Good Grief!

Alright so obviously, I'll just get it out there, I am aware I haven't written in years. My bad. My computer took a poop on me so I was outta service for awhile. Funny because literally right after I get internet on my phone, my computer crashed. Not joking. Regardless, I have it back now so I am going to do my best to cover all topics in which I have been meaning to, but unable. I'm going to take the bullet approach as far as randomness..but I will refrain from the bullets. Time for change.

So why the heck is Culvers so delicious? I was thinking about that the other day when my mouth was watering for a juicy, delicious, absolutely fabuloso cheeseburger from there. It is on the South side of town so not really a quick hop skip and a jump trip there, unlike all the other fast food places. When we hit up Culvers, you know its a good day. Alright, I'll write Culvers a letter:

Culvers,

I love your burgers. With Cheese. Ketchup, Mustard, Onions. You could lower your prices a bit though.

Love,

Caitlin

So Christmas was alright...I had to work all stinkin weekend so it didn't even feel like Christmas at all. Well sorta, but not really. I really loved watching Axton open all his presents this year. Last year he was still real little so we wrapped everything in a bag with tissue paper cuz that is pretty much all he could do. So having to wrap all his presents (which I suck at mind you) was exhausting? I mean I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that before...that wrapping presents is exhausting...but to me, IT IS. It's never freaking ending. I had to keep reminding myself that it would be worth it watching him open them. But really I am not good at wrapping presents. I think next year I'm going to put a real effort into making the presents look good. Accessories and all.

For Christmas I got a gift certificate to a hair salon..so I think now I'm finally gonna do something different. I have been dying my hair the same color for like 7 years! Pretty much the same hairstyle with slight variations here and there. Time for a change ya hear? I think I want to do somethin crazy, like vibrant bright red. I bet the old people will like that, lol.

This year the holidays have felt non-existent. I had to freaking work every single one of them! Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve, and New Years Day! What in the? Hopefully next year, I will actually get to enjoy the holidays unlike this year. The double pay was nice I suppose, but maybe not worth missing my favorite time of year.

Alright so here are some songs in my life right now: (Just trying to keep it a semi-usual thing to document):

Read My Mind - The Killers

We All Lose One Another - Jason Collett

Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls

My Only Swerving - El Ten Eleven

Mississippi-Train

Reasons to Love You - Meiko

Whatever It Is - Ben Lee

Kids- MGMT

So today is Axton's birthday..his 2nd birthday. How crazy is that business?? Two years ago today, this little boy got brought into my life and brought such a new light in my life. I admit, he tests my patience daily...but I wouldn't have it any other way :)

On to more....serious matters. Life lately has been so crazy. I have been struggling to write for multiple reasons. One being that I seriously have so much in my brain right now that even beginning to get everything down in writing seems like an impossible task. Also, I feel like everything going on in my life right now is rather personal? So I feel a tad vulnerable putting myself out there and laying my feelings out on the line. But I figure, what have I really got to lose? When Zaidyn was 6-8 weeks old...(I think around there) is when I finally started feeling like myself again..and I actually made myself a priority in my life..unlike before when I wasn't even on the priority list itself. Making time for myself has made such a difference in my life. Putting focus on myself from time to time has really changed my outlook on life as of recent. I feel like I've learned so much about myself in the last couple months then ever before. And maybe that isn't the best way of describing it. I wouldn't consider it "learning" about myself..I would more or less describe it as me facing the facts and being completely real with myself about how I am with certain things, how I want to live my life, goals I want accomplished, where I see myself, the kind of relationship I essentially want to be in...those kinds of things. Right now I am most definitely at a very serious crossroad in my life. I'm just taking in all of my surroundings and deciding what is best for me, the kids, and my family. I just want to be fair..with myself, with Cody, and my kids. I wish I could divulge a bit more...but time is not allowing me to do such things right this moment. I really will try to write again real soon.

Tattoo talk

Well, this weekend I finally got to get some ink :) It has been 3ish years since the last time I got a tattoo!!!!!!!! I have soooo many that I want to get and having that long of time go by with out any was just saddening. I was pregnant tho so there really wasn't anything I could do about it. Regardless, I finally got my gem/Jewell tattoo. Here is a pic:

I love it!!! I had drawn up a different gem, but my mind has been so flustered with trying to figure out what exactly I wanted! I have so many tatts that I know I want, but out of all of them I knew my "Jewell" tatt would be the most meaningful to me. It obviously represents family, but even more so its a permanent reminder to always stay true to myself. Which really hits home for me lately because I just really am struggling with keeping "myself" in mind when it comes to decisions that I have to make/am in the process of making. I originally planned to get it where I ended up getting it, my forearm..but I really was thinking that I wanted my gem to be in my chest piece. I have been throwing around ideas in my head for years now for my chest piece. Its the prime realty. Wabam, right there for everyone to see. So no doubt that I want it to be my most meaningful piece of work. So I believe that the gem I originally was going to get will be included in my chest piece as well as something representing my kiddos. My brother and I threw around a couple of ideas so he is going to work on drawing something up. He will be doing my whole right arm. I don't really know what ALL I want, but I do know that I will be getting a tattoo for Axton and at tattoo for Zaidyn. I know with Zaidyn I want to get some traditional flowers on the top of my forearm and I am not exactly sure yet for Axton. My brother also touched up the arm tattoo that he did with flowers and vines, adding some shading as well as green in the leaves. I am so apprehensive for color. I just don't think I really am a fan of colored tattoos so I just constantly go back and forth and back and forth thinking about if I should add color to the flowers or not. Some other tattoos that I am getting someday is a pin up girl on my leg, old school style, but with her holding a boom box. My friend, Web, from college drew me up a pin up girl holding a boom box, and I just love it. Always have wanted a pin up girl, and holding a boom box is just such a perfect way to show my love for music. Although I also want to get a different tattoo symbolizing my love for music. Anyways, I have much more I could say about what tattoos I am getting someday but I have to go to work. I work today tomorrow then 3 days off!!! What will I do with all my time off??? Oh yeah, clean and put up Christmas decorations and of course the Christmas tree!!!

Groovy Gertrude

So its official, I'm back to sucking at blogging. In my defense I'm SUPER busy lately with work and what not so forth. If it means anything, I think of something I should blog about at least every day. If only I could blog via cell phone while breastfeeding or on break at work?? So, as usual I might as well warn you now that this will be rather hefty for there are plenty of topics I will talk about, and plenty I will probably just refrain since they are pretty irrelevant.

Firstly, and most importantly, my friend Emily came to visit me for the weekend. I can't really express how much this was needed!!! I had Friday and Saturday off of work and she got here Friday afternoon. We didn't really do much, which is exactly what I prefer. We got to hang out, catch up on life, and obviously have a grand time with all the kids! She has a baby named Ray who is a monthish younger then Zaidyn. (Which is exactly why we refer to them as boyfriend and girlfriend!) It will be a lot of fun when they get a little older and can actually play with each other! She was going to leave Saturday afternoon and then we both simultaneously decided while I was taking a poop and we were texting each other that it wasn't going to happen. Yes we were texting each other while I was pooping, and yes I did just tell you that. Anyways, so we decided we would bring the kids to Mall of America to walk around and people observe and not buy anything. Anyhoots, right after we get the diaper bags packed etc..(which obviously takes a bit) it started snowing!!!!! So then we looked up info on the weather and decided we probably shouldn't. So then instead we went to Wal-Mart approximately 2 minutes from where I live and got the scraper brush things for snow. Pretty close to the same adventure, right? Anyways, so we decided to get a bit crafty Saturday night. I only have pics of what I made but she made some really cute stuff too!

I realize those pics are are extremely messed up but I don't really know what I did?? Nor am I going to try to fix it. You get the jist. I'm going to make a bunch more headbands and pins in different colors and such. I'm not really a crafty person by any means, but all Zaidyn's headbands are too small and I wanted something for my hair too.

I also just need to let everyone know that Dino Donald is no longer with us. He had lost an arm this past summer, and on the 19th of November at approximately 6:27pm, he lost his leg as well and can no longer survive.

Axton is taking things pretty good...it actually doesn't seem to phase him. To Axton, he now has 3 toys to play with instead of 1. He sometimes carries the arm around...he sometimes carries the dino with missing appendages around..and sometimes he carries around the leg. You can bet your butt though that regardless which of the 3 he is carrying around..he roars the whole time he's playing with it.

Here are some other pictures of my weekend with Emily. P.S. so dumb because her and I didn't even get a picture together. What the h!

Baby Ray and Baby Zaidyn

Baby Ray in the Jumparoo

I was seriously a mopey Mildred when Emily left Sunday morning. Honestly, I just miss living in Milwaukee so much and being able to see my friends. When I originally found out I was pregnant with Axton, I moved home because it was necessary for survival. I needed my family for support since it was a really hard time in my life with a lot of changes. As of lately, it just feels like I'm here for no reason. I don't even hang out with anyone ever. I see my Mom only for short periods of time when she watches the kids before I go to work, I never see my sister, I never see my Dad or step Mom unless they are watching the kids on the weekend when I work..I hardly ever see my friends here...ever...I never see my brother, never see my grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. Soooo why am I here again? Just wondering. I don't feel close to anyone here anymore. Hell, I don't even feel close to Cody anymore. And I'm not saying its anyone's fault..life is busy and that is just how it is. But if that is the case, I can live not in bumfuck Egypt. I guess upon moving home I never intended on it being a permanent thing, and that's kind of how it feels right now. I mean..if someone would ask where I see myself in 5 years, it certainly is not Menomonie, Wisconsin. I just don't know what the heck to do anymore. Hanging out with Emily just made me realize how much I miss being around my friends and being around people where I can be ME. I have made so many sacrifices to be "MOM" when in all reality most of them aren't necessary in order for me to be a good Mom to my kids. Our lease is up here in March, and once that arrives I really just don't know what I'm doing. With anything. Any chance we can just fast forward to April so I can see where I'm at and not have to think or decide anything right now??

Remember back in the day when I was telling you about how I was going on a serious mission to lose weight so I didn't have to feel like shit about myself? I remember stating that I would post a before and after picture once I had a reasonable after picture since the before picture was so nasty. Well, I think I'm ready for the after picture. I mean not just yet since I don't really feel like taking one..but soon I will. Before I found out I was pregnant with Axton I was 130 pounds. I really didn't plan on ever being able to get back to that, but today I stepped on the scale and it said 125. I almost keeled. I haven't weighed myself probably in over a month..but I knew I had lost more weight because I had to get different jeans since all my jeans were too big to the point where I couldn't wear them with out having my ass crack stick out ridiculously and/or have saggy ass syndrome. Being back to my original size/a little smaller makes me real upset I got rid of allllllll my pants I had before. DAAAAAANGET. Course now I don't have any money to just go raging shopping for all new clothes. I am real stinkin happy though about losing all the weight I gained with Axton and Zaidyn and then some. Doesn't really fix the stretch marks though?? On this subject, I started birth control a couple weeks ago. I really didn't have many options since I'm still breastfeeding. So I got on the pill that doesn't contain estrogen. Well it royally messed me up. For one, this particular pill makes it so you don't get a period, but you can have occasional spotting. I wasn't thrilled with that because it's not like I would know when this "spotting" would occur..so its like AWESOME let me ruin every pair of underwear I own while I'm at it. Ladies I know you know what I'm talking about. And sorry I'm not going to wear some Hanes Her-ways every day til I'm done taking the dumb pill. So this "spotting" turned into massive massive bleeding where I was going through a tampon every hour!!!! I said eff this and stopped taking the dumb pill because I didn't know how long that was going to last for. On top of the bleeding, my face was like pepperoni/high school style. I had like one million pimples everywhere when I don't remember the last time my face was even kind of bad. So to say the least, even though the birth control was short lived, it really did its job. So now I'm just not on anything again. I really don't know how much longer I'm going to be breastfeeding for...so I don't really feel like figuring something out in the meantime when I could be done breastfeeding in a couple weeks. So I'm going to take the celibacy route. (baaaaaaahahaha kind of joking not really though) Getting pregnant right now is not something that I could handle. To say the least. I'm so paranoid about getting pregnant that I feel like if I even watched a show about how babies are made, I would be paranoid about getting pregnant. Okay enough of this talk.

Next subject, Zaidyn. She is losing her hair! Her beautiful red hair!!!!!!!! She used to have tons and tons of it, it curled at the top even. In a matter of no time she just starting losing sooo much of it. She has the grandpa style now. Duh I took a picture to show you :

How sad!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean she still is cute as heck no doubt, but her beautiful hair is gone! I really hope it still comes back red or I WILL probably cry.

So Christmas is coming up and I'm getting really excited because I just LOVE Christmas spirit. I really don't care much for the presents etc etc...but dang I really do like all the Christmas lights up on people's houses, the stores all festive, and just the all round jolly feel of Christmas. I use to love driving around looking at all the lights on houses. I bet this year Axton would enjoy doing that with me. I decided that even though I love when people decorate the outside of their houses, I will never do it. I am far too lazy for that. Plus, apparently it really does increase your electric bill substantially. Who would have guessed with all the lights and gadgets, huh?

So, like I said before, I want to (try to) remember to document current songs that are my fav. You know, so if I do someday try the whole music timeline thing. With that said, my favorite songs right now are:
*All I Need by Matt Kearney
*The A Team by Birdy

*You Found Me by The Fray (Which I have always liked the Fray but have been listening to them quite extensively lately. I really really like them.)

*Constellations by Jack Johnson

*Tremolo by Lismore (Kayla check this one out I think you'd like it)

*What If by Coldplay

So today I hope to have a legit hang session with some friends. I really feel like playing board games for some odd reason so I hope I can! Ashley and Alyx are coming over, and hopefully Jamie later after she is done with work at 3. If everyone ends up coming over, it will be the first time us 4 have hung out in FORRRRRRREEEEVVVVVVVVVEEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!! I'm just in a real stinkin good mood today so I'm real glad for that.

Vroom Vroom!

Axton has an infatuation with anything that has wheels. Literally..and I mean literally..5 seconds after he is awake in the morning, he is going through his toy box getting anything that has wheels and putting it up on his table. It is the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. This kid makes the most realistic car noises, its nuts. He even does the put put put thing and sometimes a backfire. He just has such a imagination and I just love watching him "organize" his toys. However, I think he needs a little work on his parking lot, some of those cars will have a hard time getting out. ;)

Worky Shmirkey

I know I have probably said this before, but I really feel like coming up with a title for each blog post is so difficult for me. I mean, I think it is safe to say that in my blogs I ramble on about multiple different topics. Since that is the case, how the heck am I supposed to be able to choose just one topic to base the title off of? I guess I just gotta apologize for my whacky titles that probably don't make any sense. Big whoop, right?

On Wednesday I started work at the Colfax Health and Rehab facility. I have done my 3 days of training and so far everything is going great. Everything will be so much easier after I have a little more experience w/ the residents so I can know them all by name and acquire the knowledge of each of their preferences. Obviously it is NOT easy to not be able to say goodnight to Axton and Zaidyn. I always am looking at the clock around bedtime and just wish so badly I could give them kisses goodnight, and tell them how much I love them. Pumping at work is the dumbest thing on planet earth. I'm super struggling right now, but I'm really trying to stinkin kick it in gear so I can still breastfeed. I haven't had to supplement at all yet, but my freezer supply is slacker city. Besides that, I missed the elderly sooooo much. I really really loved my job at Linden Grove, and I honestly still miss some of the residents there..I know I'll never forget my favorite lady there. She seriously thought that I was from a different planet. She told me I was the weirdest person she has ever met and one time even told me to go back to my home planet. Good times, good times. Anyways, I very much enjoyed being in that environment again. Obviously there are parts of the job that aren't the awesomest, but man do I just love the elderly. They are just such a joy, even if they don't say anything. I always just think to myself when looking at them, how many memories they have stored in that brain, all the life they have lived, families they have made. I just can't imagine being that old. I wonder if at that point in your life when you have realized that you don't have that many years left..when your body starts to fail you..what exactly you think about when looking back on your life. Regrets? Favorite times? Favorite people that were once apart of your life? I am not exactly sure what I want out of my life, but I do know that I always want to try to be happy. Course, many things can occur to make that a rather difficult task..but I know with a positive outlook, positive thoughts, and uplifting surroundings, those times are easily managed. I have to admit, I don't feel I have those things right now. I can say that I have a positive outlook, I feel I always have. Positive thoughts?? Not so much. I have realized as of recent that I am a Debbie Downer man. I try not to be.. I feel like I give positive energy..and not a negative energy kind of vibe..but I just struggle w/ not thinking about the worst in every situation. Currently, I feel like I am grasping on to something soooo tight that I don't want to lose, but I am really trying to have a completely different mind set to manage it. I want to be able to find peace with anything that comes at me, good and bad. Just let go of all the worries and wonders, because everything happens as it should, even the bad stuff. The bad stuff is where you learn your lessons which makes the good stuff that much better. Currently I carry the feeling of having something missing in my life. I'm not exactly sure what that is. That was a complete lie, I know exactly what it is. (<-- that is a perfect example of this honesty business BS I've been dealing with. I didn't HAVE to admit that I know what is missing in my life, I could have easily just kept it at having you think I don't know whats missing in my life so I didn't have to tell you. I couldn't even do it. Right after I typed out the sentence I was like fuck, that's a lie. Still don't think I'm gonna tell you though. See? Don't you think it would have been better if I just lied? Gol, lose lose for me.) I am just taking everything day by day and seeing what each bring. Truly I feel like I am at a point in my life where I would really like to flourish and take in, embrace, and reflect on all the feelings coming at me. I'll let you know how it goes for me.

Anyone get the new Coldplay CD? How is it? I really wanna hear it. Keebler chips deluxe cookies are kicking my ass. Honestly, sooo delicious. I can't resist them. Can't wait to bring the kids trick or treating tomorrow. Hopefully its not dreadfully cold cuz I just hate being outside when its cold. Why do I live in Wisconsin? It's not even winter yet and I'm complaining!

Lots-o-luggage

So, I kind of screwed myself over. It has been sooo long since I have written..and lately I don't even go into my blog to read other peoples blogs because I know that I need to write, and I just have so much to say its such a daunting task. I figured that today I would MAKE myself write. The longer I put it off..the more shit I am going to have to write, right?First things first..I'm on a huge honesty kick lately. Kind of good thing, but kind of a bad thing. It's not like I lied a lot before..I just usually never shared my feelings/thoughts at all? Well hell, those days are over because I can't seem to shake this "I just GOTTA say how I feel" or "I just HAVE to share my thoughts whether you want to hear them or not." First line of business was spilling the beans to Cody. When I say spilling the beans, that seems very..not a big dealish. Let me restate: First line of business was spilling the huge fucking cement truck to Cody. The truth of the matter is, I just don't know what I want. It seems as if this ring on my finger is creating a massive amount of pressure. And not from anyone specific...just in general. Man..I don't really know if I'm the marrying kind. I know, I know..you are probably thinking..what a stinkin bitch. But guess what..when Cody and I had the many discussions of getting married etc, it IS what I wanted. In my defense, the last 2 years of my life I was just kind of numb and I was succumbing to the so called life I thought I was supposed to have. Have a kid/two kids, settle down and get married. Well I don't want "society" to decide how I have to live my life. I'm a free spirit, always have been. I can't say I don't think I ever want to get married...because I think eventually I may want to. But at 23? Daaaaaaang g, I still have a lot of life to live and that is a HUGE commitment. Things change, people change, feelings change, situations change, LIFE changes. So I just had to get that out there...no wedding.

Second line of business, I start work this week. Tomorrow actually :( I am gonna work at a nursing home in Colfax, the pm shift. I'll work 2-10:30 which is super lame..but I just wanted to do whatever to eliminate as much daycare cost as possible. Which I am in daycare search mode right now and its honestly so stupid. First off, I can't really do any "in home" day cares cuz I have 2 kids under the age of 2..so its hard enough to find someone who has an availability for ONE kid under the age of 2..but 2? Not happening. This leaves me to look at facilities (EXPENSIVE) So gotta first eliminate all the day cares that don't offer half day pricings. I will not pay one solid amount per week or per day when I only need someone to watch the kids 2 or 3 days a week from 1-6. There are TWO day cares around here that offer half day pricing..and the one has nothing available in the age groups I'm looking for. That leaves one day care. If I don't like it, I'm screwed. Not cool at all. And for 3 half days a week it is 26 dollars for each of the kids. 52 dollars to have them watch Axton and Zaidyn for 5 hours? HONESTLY!?!? What the fuck is the point of me going to work to make 40 bucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Probably 30 bucks after taxes!!!! I'm just not seeing the logic in this at all. I might have to take up another job or something I dunno. Frick!!!!

3rd line of business is the kids of course :) Zaidyn is going to be 4 months old! Holy heck! I am struggling hardcore style w/ breastfeeding and with work creeping up on me..I have the weakest milk supply in the freezer known to mankind. I am going to give it my all and try to keep up but I just realistically don't see it happening. If I am struggling to keep up with me at home..how the h am I supposed to keep up w/ me being gone? Axton is Axton...curious as ever. It is so fun watching him explore his world. He has such an imagination and does the funniest things. This kid likes hanging out in the most random places seriously. I could name plenty..but the other day he topped the cake. It got really quiet so I knew he was up to something..so I went into his room and he wasn't there..I called his name multiple times and he wasn't coming. I looked in all his normal hiding spots and I just couldn't find him anywhere. I was getting a little bit into panic mode. Anyways, I finally heard some talkin from his room so I go back in there and I still don't see him anywhere...I then realize its coming from the dresser. I open up the bottom drawer..and there he is. Laying in the bottom drawer of the dresser. Of course when I opened it he started laughing. I mean, he climbed in the dresser drawer laid down and shut himself in...didn't get scared one bit..thought it was funny. Now he does it all the time. Boy oh boy!!

4th line of business is my trip to Milwaukee. I had a reeeeeeeeeeal good time. It really made me miss living there a lot. Plus I just really miss Amber :( :( I think it was a little insane w/ both the kids not being at "home". Especially since Axton is so curious..its essential to be in a baby proof place. Although, Amber's place was more baby proof then most places you would go to w/o kids! I think it was necessary for survival to get away for awhile...Anyways, if you haven't been to the Milwaukee County Zoo you really need to. Honestly, it was amazing. It made the Como zoo and the Minnesota Zoo look TERRIBLE. It would truly be worth the 4 hour drive to go to the zoo there for the day. It is awesome.

Jinxed

I just gotta stop in and say that I did NOT forget of my blogs existence. I have  A  LOT to say and just gotta find some time to write. Possibly tomorrow night??? A lot has been happening here at the home front...and writing some thoughts down seems necessary for survival.  I also need to update about my trip to Milwaukee :) :) :)

So I just have to warn that this post is going to be quite an emotionally hefty one. I wasn't going to blog about it but for multiple reasons I think I want to.

1. There is someones blog that I read where she literally says ANYTHING and EVERYTHING on her mind. She does not hide any kind of anything. She says it how it is, every issue or problem in her life. Clearly, doesn't care what anybody thinks..she writes because she needs to. I love her blog. So forward, and so so so personal. Life is going by so fast and I just really sometimes like the idea of having EVERYTHING down in writing so I can read back and remember my life through my own writing. (My memory sometimes sucks)

2. I feel weird talking to anybody about it..so I think if I just write about this, I can get it off my chest and I don't have to worry about what the person I am talking to is thinking about me.

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So, I don't really know who all reads my blog, but the people I know that read my blog already are aware of the fact that Cody is not Axton's biological father. My friend Mandy has this exact same siutation with her daughter Adabelle. Once she found out she was pregnant, he jolted and has never once seen the baby he created with Mandy. She was over the other day and was using my computer to go on her fake fb account and look up her daughters biological father to see if she could get info from it for child support agency. She had asked me if I ever look Axton's biological father up? I said no, because I have him blocked therefore I can't search for him either. She asked if I would mind if she looked him up, and I said no. If it was anyone else that never has met him or seen him before..I would have said no, but she is very much the only person that can relate with me with everything emotionally that comes with this situation. She finds him and it only shows his profile picture. I get up off the couch to look and she says dude don't even look. Well, obviously I'm going to. I walked over to the computer and she just grabbed my arms so tight. I looked and it is a picture of him and his "fiance" who is very very far along in her prengnacy and he is holding her belly with a huge smile on his face. I instantly ran to the bathroom and threw up. REALLY? I was feeling so many emotions at this point I couldn't even pull myself together man. I can honestly say that I don't remember the last time I was THAT. SAD. (I just have to say before anything else...that I am 100% satisfied with how things have turned out in my life, and I would not want things to be ANY other way, Cody is Axton's father through thick and thin, always has been, always will be.) I was in shock for awhile and then I started processing my thoughts. I really do believe that I have never properly dealt with this part of my life. I definitely in every way shoved it all away hoping to never release the feelings from the jar. Well, like it or not, I was faced with something I was not prepared to think about. Once I found out I was pregnant, for one he didn't believe me and thought I was just saying it to make him want to be with me or something?? (We had a very on and off thing..never were we bf and gf just because both of us were at a point in our lives where we did not want to make that kind of commitment to each other, although I really did have "love" for him) For two, right from the get go he said he wanted NOTHING to do it, because "he had many things he wanted out of life that didn't include being a father". He made it seem that I was trying to completely fuck over his life. I was "ruining his life". He always made me feel like HE was the only one effected by this. Um HELLO, I was living in Milwaukee just about to start a radiology internship that I literally JUST got accepted for. The only program in the midwest that offers radiology as a bachelors degree. The internship in which 12 spots were open and 150 people interviewed for. A week after I got my acceptance and was soooo unbelievably on top of the world, I had to walk my ass in there and tell them I couldn't do it. Because I was pregnant. I moved home and lost most ALL of my friends. I had just signed a lease in Milwaukee at a house so after I moved home I had to continually for 11 months pay 450 a month for a house I was SUPPOSED to be living in. I went to doctors appointments, MYSELF, I dealt with all these changes MYSELF. I had to tell my whole family that I was pregnant (not that it was hard but it certainly wasn't easy) and it surely didn't help to be like, oh btw the father isn't involved! I made A LOT of sacrifices, A LOT. I changed my WHOLE LIFE, yet he told not ONE single person, family or friends..and probably not still to this day I dunno. Never once did he acknowledge that I was a person in the situation too, I had feelings too. If it wasn't for meeting Cody, I am not sure how I would have managed getting through the second half of my pregnancy. Anyways, back to Dbag. He made my life a living hell...for the ENTIRE 9 months, even though the last 2 months I had no contact w/ him. He harrassed me every. single. day. There was even a time in which he told me he was praying something would happen to me so that he didn't have to deal w/ either of us. At this point not one single thing in his life was effected by me being pregnant except supposedly his mind! He moved across country, and was engaged to some chick like 2 weeks later after me telling him I was pregnant. He was just a complete asshole. I had to change my phone number 3 times! The day after Axton was born he e-mailed my dad and stated that he was upset because I didn't let him know his son was born. REALLY? As if he deserved one ounce of gratification/acknowledgement for the beautiful baby we created. Anyways, when seeing this picture of him "posing" as Mr. Dad, it made me UPSET. Not upset because he isn't in Axton's life..because it would honestly be easier for me to be tortured to my death then see him lay one single finger on my son. I was upset because of what he did to ME. What he put ME through. Cody and I have to look our son in the face someday and tell him his biological Dad did not want to be a part of his life. I have to do that. Because of his complete selfishness, and despicable way of trying to be a human. Just think of your child and how much you absolutely LOVE them more then anything in the world..and know that they were half made by someone you absolutely HATE..have NO contact w/ what so ever, and don't even have any idea what stinkin state they live in? I am SO glad he is not in my life or Axton's life..but the fact of the matter is that it hurts my feelings. I don't really think you can feel a bigger kind of rejection then having the man you created a baby w/ turn ape shit on you and go crazy and ditch out. What is so great about THAT girl and THAT baby that he doesn't flee like a bandit and treat her like dirt?! Upon further creepation on fb, I find out they are having a boy, and naming him a name in which he told me multiple times to name Axton..which I made it very clear if he thought he had any part in deciding a name he was on CRACK. How can he even live with himself? Anyhow, last night I had a dream that he was in. We were at like a grocery store? We ran into each other and had a very decent conversation. We were talking very softly to each other..I asked him if he was happy and he said Yes. I asked him if he was more importantly content (which I say more importantly because he could never find the feeling of being content w/ all areas of his life) and he said Yes. He asked me if Axton was healthy and happy, and I said Yes. He said that he loved his Fiance very much. I then told him that Axton stands like him. Which is really weird because Axton does stand like him (with his right knee popped) but I have never vocalized that to anybody before. And the one thing I tell him when running into him (in my dream) was that Axton stood like him. Anyways, I woke up and I felt such a feeling of relief overcome me. The dream honestly felt so real to me, like we were both sleeping and met into each others worlds to just connect for that mere second to get a reading on each of our lives? Anyways, I know it may seem very odd, but this morning I was actually thinking that I am happy for him. When I was pregnant he was in no way shape or form going to have anything to do with it. He was very very much a lost soul when he was a part of my life before I got pregnant. So clearly in the last 2 years he has done some growing up and I am so glad that he is there for her like he should have been for me..because it is not fun to do it alone. He seems happy in all of his pictures, and he seems really excited for the baby, and I am really glad for that. I can honestly say that at one point in my life I cared about him in a manner that even though he has put me through a lot..I can still be happy for him. I have my life..(with out him in it) and he has his life (with out Axton in it) and I think for the both of us has turned out for the better. And to say the least, he has given me a little boy who absolutely, in every possible way, lights up my world..for that I am endlessly thankful.

You have no idea how much emotional weight I have lifted from me as a result of dealing with such a heavy burden. I probably will never talk about it ever again on here..but honestly...writing how I feel about all of this has helped immensely. I am really glad I took the time to write it.

Who really knows?

Well, I know you won't be surprised by this, but I think I'm gonna have to whip out the bullets today.

*Cody's boat is ruining my life. Just kidding, its not ruining my life....but I will say this, if given the opportunity..I would burn it.

*Man oh man is music rockin my world right now dude foooor real. Music has always always been something I hold dear, and I actually listen to quite a variety. I really believe I could make a soundtrack to my life thus far. I like to discover new bands and it seems like when I find someone/something I really like, I listen to it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. And over again. So, later in time...when I come back to listen to that band it reminds of that exact time in my life and what was going on. Maybe someday I should blog about it. Nah, sounds like too much work. Anyways, right now I'm on a Blue Foundation kick. (If interested look up the song ghost or this is goodbye) WOW! I think next I'm going to whip out the big guns and get on a Coldplay kick again. Man oh man, Coldplay gets ya at the core. LOVE them. So to conclude this segment, I will leave with saying that I am jamming my brains out lately.

*It has come to my attention that some people really..just really suck at life. Not that I didn't know that before...I just thought it was kind of mean to say. But I just have to say it. Really. Suck. At. Life.

*My friend Mandy and I have been hanging out quite a bit lately. She has little Adabelle who is going to be 3 in March and Brielle who is 5 weeks younger then Zaidyn. There is never a dull moment when we hang out..thats for sure. If we can get one full conversation in with out getting interrupted it is a damn good day. Adabelle seriously says the funniest things I have ever heard in my life. It makes me soooo giddy for when Axton starts talking. Anyways, since I'm on a kick I might as well tell you some of the things Adabelle has said to make me laugh real good.

-Adabelle is sitting on the toilet and Axton walks in. Adabelle tells Axton to get out, so of course Axton had to wait right outside the door because god forbid he go all the way to the living room and wait for her to get done doing her business. All of a sudden we hear in her sweet, high pitched, full of love voice, angelic voice "AAAXTON! Come in here and look at my big dump!"

-Adabelle and Axton were wrestling (no really, they wrestle..I got a video tonight I maybe should post it sometime. Nah, that seems like too much work.) and Adabelle says, "Pew what is that stink mommy?" Obviously Axton crapped his pants...and Adabelle says, "Oh my goodness sweetie you really should ask your mom to change your diaper" <-- How. Stinking. Great.

-Kids are playing in the living room w/ toys and Adabelle walks up to Mandy and says, "Show me the carfax wouldya?"

*I kind of wish I could tell you some jokes right now. I mean I don't really have any good ones, mostly because I think most jokes are really dumb. But the ones that do make me laugh...are top notch jokes. I, however, can never stinking remember them to save my life. But as some people say, "Its the thought that counts". So just know..that if I could I would tell you some good jokes.

*Yesterday I went grocery shopping, and I saved 25 dollars with coupons. I know 25 dollars seems like nothing compared to those extreme couponing ladies..but for real, 25 bucks is still pretty darn good compared to not saving 25 bucks at all. I actually get excited for the Sunday paper so I can cut out coupons. How Mom is that? I have to say, my worst mom quality. Anyways, I just gotta say that I don't really cut the coupons that straight. It's so dumb..not that I can't cut straight but I just can't cut straight really fast so my coupons tend to look like trapezoids. that is extreme. Whatever, I'm so over talking about coupons.

*I miss my nephew. I used to see Dexter once a week and for all day since I watched him. Now I see him like once every 2 weeks and not for much time. I miss that little/not so little guy. Seriously, I love that kid. Is it asking too much to have my sister drive him a half hour each way to let me see him every. single. day so I can kiss on those cheeks every. single. day? Gollllll. I can't believe, no really, I can NOT believe he is going to be ONE YEAR OLD. This past year of my life definitely wouldn't have been as great w/ out this little/not so little guy. AUNTIE LOVES YOU DEXTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheeseball

Seriously, Axton is such a cheeseball.

Whenever I whip the camera out, he never seizes to amaze me.

Animal Cracker?

Is it me or does this animal cracker have a ding dong for a face?

Me

I am happy to report that for the first time in 2 years I finally feel like "me" again. Wooofta. I thought I had really lost myself in all of the changes I was encountering but in fact, I am still here. I may be a lot different, but attribute those differences to the amount of growing I have done as a person. I honestly can't really explain this "back to me" feeling...but let me just say that it is wonderful. I seriously think having Zaidyn knocked my brain back right or something. For the last two years I had the hardest time putting my thoughts and feelings into actual words..and now I can't stop. It is like everything is pouring out of me at once. As great as all this feels..I also feel like I am being very analytical of everything in my life. With good there is always bad I suppose. I do admit, my brain is on fire and I am very very very confused. But..I also am sooooooooo happy that I feel like I am busting at the seams of my own skin. <-- I really don't think I have ever made such a true statement. If I could..(which I guess I could) I would run and dance and jump and groove down the streets screaming at the top of my lungs with joy. I can't even sleep at night because I have so much going on in my brain..so much that I can't even hardly sort it all out. Anyway, busy day for me today so tootles!

Man!

Hate it when this happens! Good thing I glanced in the mirror before leaving the house!

yyyyyyyyellow

Greetings! I don't know about you folks but I don't really know how I am liking this new interface business. I am giving it a try, but if I had to give my opinion right now I'd say..I HATE IT. Just kidding I don't hate it, it will just take some getting used to. 
I thought I would write a novel for you about random stuff..with bullets. MY FAV!


* Last week I had to go to the dentist and I effing hate the dentist. I would honestly rather go to the vag doctor then the dentist. One time when I went to the dentist and they were filling a cavity, they were drilling and I all of a sudden could feel it intensely. I am scarred ever since then. Anyways, I had to get 2 cavities filled since it had been..oh you know..6 or 7 years since I had been to the dentist. I was deathly afraid. I was begging them to put me under, but that just isn't an option with just getting cavities filled. So instead I just spent that hour wishing I was dead. No biggie. After it was FINALLY over, he tells me I can't have ICE CREAM for 6 WEEKS! Get over yourself dude, you just made me sit in this chair even though I was deathly afraid and now you have the balls to tell me I can't have ice cream for 6 weeks? I DEFINITELY hate going to the dentist. 


* Thursday, Cody and I hit up a Brewers game for our anniversary. It was super fun! The 4 hour car ride to Milwaukee went by sooo much faster with him then it did the umpteen million times I had to do it by myself. We went to go visit my friend Emily who just had a baby a little over a month ago. I got to meet her little guy Ray. Zaidyn is a month older but he honestly is like the same size! Well, Zaidyn has much chunkier legs and such, but he's just a solid little guy. Kinda like Dexter except Dexter is a solid big guy. I <3 Dexter. It was really cool being at the game instead of just watching it on our TV. For the first hour of the game we were literally in direct sunlight which kind of sucked balls, but I just kept telling myself I could maybe actually get some color. Which I did. WOO HOO!


*  Every single stinking morning the storage closet in our apartment smells like shit. Well not really like shit but a mixture between shit and rotting animal. I have NOOO idea why. Yes I do, I think. There are washer dryer hook ups in there but we don't have a washer and dryer so I think it has something to do with whenever the people downstairs do laundry? Ok, you are right that doesn't sound right. It is JUST in the morning. By afternoon it smells like nothing in there. It has never been as bad as it has been the last 3 days. Gag-O-Ramaville. Get me out of this place. Just kidding sort of. We move waaaaaay too much for our own good. March is the end of our lease, and I think we will be looking for something else. Don't worry, this is only the 3rd place we have lived in 2 years. No biggie baggie boogie, I love packing for 3 people, now 4, and then unpacking for 3 people, now 4. <-- Complete sarcasm. I really don't mind this place except for the fact that we live on the second floor and it is getting kind of old. Also, I would really like some sort of patio. Also, I would like some sort of yard for Axton to play in when he gets massively full of energy..which is all the time. 


*Cody had quite a lot of time off between Thursday and Tuesday. It was really nice to be able to spend time with him again. It made me realize a lot of stuff about our relationship. Good and Bad. I'm not complaining because I don't mind discovering bad stuff so we can work on it to make it part of the good stuff. 


*Zaidyn is now 2 months old. Honestly, where has the time been going? Look at this little peanut. Could she get any cuter?!!!! 

* This girl needs to start looking for a part time job. I have one lined up that I have already been hired for but I'm having my doubts about it lately. I need to keep my eye out for other options so I can find something that will work best for our family. 


*People have been asking questions about our wedding plans lately. It has come to my attention that it is less than a year away (duh!) but that year will go by super fast. Especially with 2 kids, especially with 2 birthday parties between then, especially with the holidays between then, etc. It is a good thing I am NOOO wedding planning kind of gal and want a super super simple simple wedding. Reception shmee-shmeption. Lets just party. 


*I got a haircut yesterday for the first time in a loooooooooooong time. I tried out a new lady and I'm not too sure how I feel about her.  I remember back in the day when you would go get your hair cut and you would leave feeling like a million bucks. I felt like negative a million bucks leaving after I got my hair cut yesterday. It isn't like I did anything extreme because I can't really get a groovy haircut until after my perm is gone, and after our wedding since I want my hair to be long for that. However, I went there with my hair wet..no product because then it would be crunchy. She trimmed up my hair and then I wanted some sort of bangs in the front. So she cut my bang things and straightened them with the straightener. I really like them, but then she was like okay do you like it and took the shirt cover thing off. So I had bang things in the front that were straightened...and then the whole rest of my head was frizz fest america with no product in it, dried and in poodle status. Ummm??? Like how can I for real tell if I even like my hair when it looks like this? I'm not saying she should have straightened it all, or styled it even. But maybe offer to let me get my hair wet again and put some product in it so I wouldn't be embarrassed as hell walking out the doors. Not to mention I had to go to wal-mart to get juice since Axton ran out. How dumb! I object to this madness!!!


No more bullets, I'm done talking about what I needed to talk about. Adios until next time!! 

Holy Guacamole

I just realized today that I have not blogged in quite some time. Almost a month! This is ridiculous! What has been going on in the life of Caitloin Steak? Let me think...not much! The last two weeks I have been on a massive exercise kick. Let me define massive.... I am 23 years old and I hate to exercise. My freshman year in college I gained some weight so I went on a exercise bender for a month or so and lost the extra lbs. That is the extent of my exercising. After I had Axton it was the middle of winter so I didn't do much to try to lose the baby weight. In fact I did nothing. I was not pleased with my bod thats for sure..but I knew Cody and I were going to be trying for another baybay so it would be dumb to lose the weight just to gain it right back. Since we are not having another baby for a looooooooong time if ever..I have kicked it in high gear and I am ready to get back to the way I was before I was ever pregnant. (Minus the wide hips that won't go away..which I'm actually not bothered by my new curvaciousness) Each morning after Axton is awake and has breakfast and after Zaidyn eats we go for a nice loooooong walk. Honestly pushing the double stroller with Axton and Zaidyn in the car seat is rough stuff. My first time out I got like 2 blocks and I was like what the h? TURN AROUND! We walk for a good hour and a half now. Zaidyn sleeps through the whole thing and Axton just loves pointing to things and having me tell him what it is, which is super fun. Walking first thing in the morning has given me a lot more energy through out the day! Once I get home if the kiddos allow I do little work outs to help my oh so desperate stomach region. I have been trying to eat a lot better, but I have such a stinking sweet tooth. Besides the NEED to have something sweet after dinner, I have been doing surprising really well. So with the exercise, slightly watching what I am eating, and breastfeeding...the weight is coming off quite nicely and it's only been 2 weeks. Beginning of this I took a picture which I SO am not going to share until I have a fan-tas-tic after picture. I had a pair of jean capris that I aimed for my first goal of fitting into since I was wearing them right before I found out I was pregnant with Zaidyn. 2 weeks ago I couldn't get them buttoned and today I am wearing them :) It feels good to be getting results! I have NO motivation what so ever when it comes to exercising but I am SO ready to not be ashamed of my body anymore. Stretch marks will never go away but I'm over it. I just want to feel good about myself again. I'm not doing a lot, but the little that I am seems to be working so I am going to try my best to keep it up.

Thursday is mine and Cody's anniversary. He took the day off work so I am very excited to be able to spend some time with him. The last time he had a day off was when he was off work the couple days after Zaidyn was born. I don't even know what it's like hanging out with him anymore!!!!!!!! I miss my Cody!!!!!!!!! I think soon here he will be going down to just one job. He works his second job for his extra money to either spend on whatever or to save. He has been saving and just bought a fishing boat last week. Hopefully this weekend we can take it out if my sister is able to watch the kids for a couple hours!

Things are going great with the kids! Axton is learning new words everyday, I just LOVE it. It's one thing to know that they comprehend what you are saying..but for him to actually start saying words is just awesome. Zaidyn is getting so big! I can't believe how fast they grow honestly. Breastfeeding is going wonderfully. I had to take a break on pumping because my freezer has no more room for milk since I am home all the time and don't ever need to use it. The children are sleeping currently, which is why I am actually blogging. When they are sleeping at the same time I don't even know what to do with myself. It's been about an hour and a half and I am going crazy. I took a shower, cleaned up a bit..now I'm blogging. I HATE being away from my kids, even their nap times drive me nutso. I get that I should want a break from being "mom" sometimes but quite frankly I would just rather be with them then doing anything else. I am rather scared about when I start work again, whenever that will be. Couple weeks? Two months? Not sure, but either way I am terrified.

I will post again after this weekend to HOPEFULLY share with you events from my day with Cody thursday, and this weekend where he has 2 days off!

Too Cute

I came across this picture online and thought it was rather cute. Don't you think so? I just imagined the owners of these dogs walking into the room and seeing this. Such a random moment creating such a funny/good feeling inside. Life obviously isn't all fireworks and rainbows. However, it's the random moments like these that come along and bring a smile to your face. I am happy to say that I have many of these moments every day with my children. I'm sure if you are a parent you know exactly what I mean. Sure, my life is completely different then it used to be..and sure I don't have nearly as many people in my life as I used to. Going from having tons of friends to not very many at all used to affect me in a way that was very hard to deal with. As time has gone on, I have realized that the people that no longer talk to me, care to know what is going on in my life or how I am doing..are the people that never cared to begin with. I'm not going to apologize for getting pregnant and having everything change because it was the best thing that ever happened to me.. even if it did come along with a losing relationships that I thought meant something. At the end of the day, I count my blessings. The other night while Cody and I were laying in bed, we had a 20 minute conversation about how much we love our children. At that moment in time, just thinking about the unconditional love that I have for my children and family made me feel so fulfilled. I can honestly say that my heart has never ever...EVER...been so overfilling with love and happiness. I have everything that I need.

Woot Woot

It has been awhile since I have written, but I really don't have anything rad to say to be quite frank. Life is going great! Zaidyn is going to be a month old already tomorrow which is just so hard to believe! Time is flying by! Since it has been a month, it is safe to say that I am now comfortably adjusted to life with 2 kids. Zaidyn enjoys being held ALL. THE. TIME. which makes some things a bit tricky. She wasn't like that at first but in the last week it just seems that if she is awake then she wants to be held and/or eating. I would really enjoy finding some time to actually manage taking a shower??? Zaidyn sleeps so long at night that during the day she takes cat naps..20 minutes at absolute most. When Axton goes down for a nap and she is sleeping I know I have a short limited amount of time to get something worthy accomplished. It seems as if lately I've had to choose between a shower or some sort of cleaning task. I've opted for the cleaning task because when my place is messy it drives me nuts. A lot more nuts then me not taking a shower. Today, for instance, I have chosen to write a blog instead of shower. But I may still try to fit a shower in. I'm desperate for one! I think it is about time to write a post and spill my guts about some feelings deep inside in a jar with the lid nicely and tightly closed. Not today of course..but relatively soon. I find my mind so jumbled these days anyways that it is kinda hard to sort my even on the surface feelings out let alone the real deep ones. Getting them out in writing seems to help figure them out so I'm looking forward to that free time to be able to do so. All in all, life is so good, and I am really happy with how things are going right now!

Life as 4

Well, I've managed to find some time to write a post and update on how things are going/the transition from 1 to 2 kids. The first week when Cody was home, it went a lot smoother then it is going now with just me home during the day. Cody could keep Axton busy and have him feel like he wasn't getting any less attention. Now that Cody is back at work, Axton is really starting to act out due to the fact that I am constantly taking care of Zaidyn. Anytime I start nursing her, or changing her..he does something he KNOWS he is not supposed to just to get me to rectify the situation. I mean seriously, he will look right at me as he is doing whichever naughty thing he decides to do. It is getting a little frustrating but I have to keep telling myself that it is also an adjustment for him. It just gets a little much having to stop nursing Zaidyn, put her down just so I can discipline Axton for something he already knows he isn't supposed to do. Then I wonder if I am actually making things worse because he clearly knows that by acting out while I am nursing or busy with Zaidyn, he can get me to put her down to give him the attention he is clearly trying to get. When Zaidyn is napping during the day, I make sure to spend the extra time with Axton so he doesn't feel so left out...but the amount of time a day I spend nursing Zaidyn is just so much that regardless he is going to feel a lack of love from me and it is just saddening :(. I am still a little intimidated by the thought of going out and about with the two kids. My mom came with me to bring Axton to the park to get him outside. He really liked that. I will enjoy when I can do that myself so it can happen more often but right now 99% of my day consists of nursing so...if I'm at the park..and she wants to nurse..what is Axton going to do? I certainly can not chase Axton around a playground with Zaidyn attached to my boob. I have a sling that I have used with her multiple times but I'm not exactly sure how to breastfeed while using it although I guess there is a way. Still, don't think I'd be able to assist him in climbing the playground, going down the slide etc with a baby attached to my boob. I need to get some lessons on how to be super mom. Anyway, Zaidyn is a great baby. She is super super easy just like Axton was. She hardly ever EVER cries unless I take too long to get to her to feed her when she is hungry if I am in the middle of something. It is nice to have a newborn that doesn't have their days and nights mixed up like Axton did. She usually gets up twice during the night to nurse for half hour or so and then she goes back to sleep. Occasionally she will want to have a 7 course meal lasting 2 hours in the middle of the night which is a little rough for me to keep alive for. It is a lot different not being able to just nap when she naps. Today, however, I got to take my first nap during the day since she came home from the hospital. Whenever Axton goes down for a nap seems to be when she will wake up...or she will wake up 15 minutes after I lay down. Cody has been a great help around the house. He will get home from work and after dinner he will clean up the kitchen and also takes full responsibility of getting Axton ready at night for bed and such. I don't even have to ask him which is the best part. At first I had to constantly ask for his help (which he was happy to help but I always had to direct him) but then I told him that it just makes me feel really bossy to constantly be like.."will you do this, and this and this?" So now that we have a nightly routine, he is just great. Axton has really gotten more attached to him since he has been the one at night giving him a bath and getting him ready for bed etc. I think Axton would prefer him over me now..not sure how I feel about that but it makes me really happy to see Axton and Cody so much closer now. They have always been close..but Axton was always really really attached to me and now he's really really attached to Cody. All in all, things are going great! I can't imagine my little Zaidyn not in my life, and I am just so glad she is finally here. I feel blessed to have 2 wonderful children and a fiance that I love so very much.

Miss Zaidyn Tory

I really did mean to write awhile ago but life has been a bit hectic since returning home from the hospital, forgive me! I'd like to share the story of Zaidyn's arrival just like I did with Axton. I will try not to forget anything...but it has been almost a week! I wrote Axton's RIGHT when I got home so I wouldn't forget anything and I should have taken that approach again. Ah well. Also, this is going to be quite a hefty post, WARNING.

Wednesday, June 29th.

This is the day that my Braxton hix started going crazy. Not regular, but often, and VERY uncomfortable. At LEAST two an hour. Some of my BH felt like nothing and some felt really crampy. This is what happened with Axton a week or so before he was born so I had my suspicions something was going to happen soon considering I was 3cm dilated and 50% effaced at the doctor that Monday. Anyway..that afternoon my mom came over to visit with Axton while I went to the chiropractor. At the chiropractor he did the usual adjusting and afterwards I went to Wal-Mart to pick up some stuff. While I was at Wal-Mart my braxton hix turned into really extermely crampy contractions that were catching me off guard and forcing me to walk slow as a grandma because the pressure on my cervix/vag was insane. As I got to my car and put my groceries in, I got another contraction and it was soooooo painful, I had no idea what the hell was going on. It didn't feel like a normal "contraction" but it was really crampy and the pressure felt like she was going to fall right out of me. The drive home (which was 2 minutes) felt like an eternity because it is all construction and every little bump made me wince in pain from the extra added pressure down there. I have a very high pain tolerance and these weird contraction things were bringing tears to my eyes. Once I got inside I told my mom what was going on and she instantly noted that I had dropped since I left for the chiro. I called Cody to let him know what was going on..but he was going to be on his way home from work anyways so its not like he was going to come home right that second. I sat on my exercise ball which made the contractions and pressure so much worse. We didn't really time because they weren't regular at all..but when one would come it would suck so bad. Again, not a regular contraction feeling but intense crampy pressure-ness. Mom and I decided to bring Axton for a walk to see if it would get things going. It was blazing hot outside..literally blazing. The sun was scorching us. Mom had on a dark outfit which consisted of a heavy fabric shirt and capris. We both had flip flops on which was so stupid especially on my part since I was preg and going for a walk. Cody and I had been taking regular long walks at night and we had a particular route we would take that consisted of a giant..and I mean GIANT hill. We even had a nickname for it but now that I'm trying to think of it I can't. Regardless, I told my mom we were going to go up this giant hill and we managed to do so. Maybe not in the classiest fashion, but we made it to the top which only brought us that much closer to the sun and I literally felt like I was going to melt. Anyhow, my mother and I totally thought I was going to go into labor from all the "contractions" I was having and what not but she totally jinxed it by calling my sister and telling her she was 90% sure I was in labor and also calling her work. In my defense, I told her NOT to because I def had my doubts..but she did anyways. Once we got home my contractions completely stopped. Again I say my mother jinxed it.

Thursday, June 30th.

Well, this is the day I really wanted baby Zaidyn to come. 6/30. Two even numbers. I am such a stickler about even numbers and so I was really hoping she was going to come June 30th. I woke up that morning from contractions that woke me from a dead sleep. It was probably 6 in the morning or so? I dunno. Regardless, Cody went to work because I was NOT convinced I was in labor and I didn't want to jinx anything again. This particular morning is when I lost my mucous plug as well. I revolved my day around the clock timing contractions. Some were quite painful, some felt like period cramps, and some felt like nothing. All regular though from 6am until 3ish that afternoon. I was getting quite aggravated because there would be an hour where they would be 5 minutes apart and all coming with discomfort/pain. Then the next hour they would be 8 minutes part, then the next hour they would be 6 minutes apart. Never really getting anymore painful, or obviously closer together. That night we went over to Cody's cousins house for a birthday gathering where the kids could play and what not. At that point my contractions/BH (since I have no idea what to actually call them) had completely stopped and while we were there I maybe had 2 that were of some discomfort but nothing really. Once we got home they started again. I started timing again. I began to get pretty annoyed looking at a clock and timing so I decided to just go to bed and obviously if it was going to get worse and I would go into labor then that would happen regardless of if I went to bed or not.

Friday, July 1st

Woke up at 3 or 4 am with contractions that caught me off guard and I had to get up because it was too painful to sleep through. Again, revolved the next couple hours looking at a clock and timing just for them to completely go away after 3 hours. That group of contractions were about 7 minutes apart each, but never getting closer together. At this point I was actually getting mad because having groups of hours of contractions that were painful throughout the day just for them to stop was really annoying..and making me REALLY cranky. (ask Cody). It was the same thing all day, on and off groups of contractions that were painful but would just STOP after a couple hours.

Saturday, July 2nd

This day is a little fuzzy for me. I can remember being at my wits end as far as mood goes, and I was bored allllll day long. I was desperate to get out of the house but couldn't because my Mom had Axton's car seat since we had no idea what was going on w/ my body. (she was taking Axton while I was in hospital so we didn't wanna mess w/ car seat when actually going to hospital etc) At this point multiple people kept texting me/calling asking how I was doing/what was going on which was only adding to my deep frustration because it was the SAME thing that was happening the last couple days. I can't even really recall my contractions for this day. I think I had a couple hours worth in the morning but they went completely away in the afternoon. Cody got home from work at 7:30 and I really wanted to go for a walk because I had been having regular contractions and I was DESPERATE to get her out. The brewers game was on..so I had to do quite a lot of convincing to get him to go for a walk with me. While we were on a walk I obviously couldn't time my contractions but they felt different then the rest. It wasn't just really super crampy on my cervix but it was moving up my abdomen as they were happening. The hill absolutely almost killed me because the pressure felt like someone put a dang brick in my vagina and resting it on my cervix. We got home..I got Axton ready for bed and we just hung out for a bit. My contractions were still there and feeling different so I text my sister to tell her that I was having regular contractions YET AGAIN but they felt differently then all the rest. She didn't reply. At this point I felt like the girl that cried wolf and my mom and sis were sick of me saying I was having regular contractions. Big whoop right? They will just go away. Which is exactly how I felt too so I didn't really give a shit that neither of them responded to me. Cody and I went to bed at 11:15ish? As I was laying there I had a contraction that was more painful then the rest. I looked at the clock to see what time it occured. I waited for the next one which was 7 minutes later also feeling the same intensity wise. I waited for the next one which was 14 minutes later so at that point I probably mumbled some words under my breath that weren't pleasant and just went to bed because I was so sick of dealing with that. I even told Zaidyn...if you want to come out GREAT! COME OUT! But if you don't want to...then stop making me deal with all this!

Sunday, July 3rd.

I was awoken from a dead sleep at 12:43am to the SOUND of my water breaking. It was like a giant balloon popped and there was a 2 second massive amount of pressure on my cervix. I didn't really know what the heck it was so I stood up right away. The more I thought of it the more I thought it might have been my water breaking. I went to the bathroom and had a tiny bit of trickle and instantly my contractions were SUPER bad and about 2-3 minutes apart. Each contraction would stop me in my tracks and I could barely think straight during them. I yelled, CODY!! He woke up suddenly and I yelled MY WATER BROKE! He jumped out of bed so fast that he got dizzy and he asked if I was serious or not. I told him I was serious and my contractions were very close and VERY painful. I called my Mom to see what she wanted to do since it was the middle of the night. She could either come to Menomonie and stay at our place to watch Axton or I could call Shawna (Cody's sister) and have her come watch Axton. She said she wanted to come and she would be as fast as she could. I called my sister and told her my water broke and she asked if I was serious or not which I explained I was serious. She was in a dead sleep and she told me to call her once I got to the hospital. Cody got together our things since I really couldn't even concentrate on anything. I called the hospital and told them I was coming in. They made it clear they were super super packed with people and had to make some room for me. After waiting awhile it was so unbearable that I started panicking. I called my Mom to see where she was and she said she was coming, but she was in Hudson and had to stop and get gas. I said FORGET THAT! I CAN'T WAIT AROUND ANY LONGER! I called Missy (Cody's Mom) and told her to get Shawna over here ASAP because I needed to get to hospital I was in so much pain. I called my sister and told her that she better start heading this way, and she was already getting ready to leave. I called the hospital back asking if they could have some type of pain intervention lined up for me when I got there because I was in so much pain. They said they couldn't do anything or call anybody until I was there, admitted, hooked up, and checked. After I got off the phone I went into Axton's room and just started crying. I was so sad to leave him. I was dreading when I had to go to the hospital anyways just because it would be the longest I was away from him..but to not even be able to give him a hug and kiss and tell him goodbye made me sooooo sad. I was literally balling. As much as I wanted to get to the damn hospital, I just didn't want to leave my Axton. Missy got there with Shawna and we were off to the hospital. I was not looking forward to the car ride since my contractions were already unbearable and each bump would make it so much worse. Cody was driving so fast and of course a cop spots us and starts following us. When we got to the hospital the cop just passed on by. Cody dropped me off at the emergency room entrance where we were told to go in. As I walked in and Cody parked the car, there was an old man sitting there as well as a lady. I was clearly in a lot of pain and having contraction after contraction right on top of each other. There was NO ONE at the desk. NO ONE. I was like "IS THERE HONESTLY NOT A HUMAN BEHIND THAT DESK RIGHT NOW!?" The old guy literally started freaking out and couldn't even talk, he just didn't have any idea what to do. Which looking back is kind of funny. He was probably sitting there in peace and all of a sudden a pregnant lady in labor comes in freaking out. The lady got me a wheelchair to sit in and finally someone showed up to wheel me to the birthing suites. I got to the birthing suites and got into a gown so they could get the monitor on her and check to see where I was at. I was at 8cm. 8 stinking cm upon arrival at the hospital. I think it is safe to say that quite possibly the 3 days of on and off contractions probably did some work, which is why when my water broke it was instant amount of ridiculous pain. Cody called my sister to see where she was since obviously things were going to move insanely fast as predicted. She was JUST leaving Baldwin. I told the nurses I wanted some pain meds immediately and they informed me the anesthesiologist wasn't even at the hospital currently. Awesomeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. With Axton I was actually very calm throughout the labor portion, this time around was very much the opposite. I asked if they could give me the nubain shot ANYTHING...but my doctor said no because I was too far along. I can't really describe what I was feeling at that point. My contractions were worse then any I felt with Axton because with Axton my water never broke...they broke it for me at 10cm right before I started pushing. It is a whole different ball game when you have contractions with out having that nice cushion to work with. Also, with Axton I chose to go all natural and knew early on in my pregnancy that is what I wanted. I had plenty of time to mentally prepare myself for it. This time around I did NOT want to go all natural so I had it in my head that it was going to be a heck of a lot less painful this time around. The nurses put in an IV and got everything set up for the anesthesiologist so all she had to do was show up. I was not patient what so ever, in fact, I was getting MAD. There was literally a 20 minute window where I could still receive the epidural from when they first checked me. I guess an epidural takes 20 minutesish to kick in and the idea of that also made me extremely mad. They said they could do an intrathecal epidural where they just inject a shot into your spinal cord instead of the tube thing. It lasts about an hour or two which would be just enough time for me, and it kicks in immediately. My sister showed up but not after calling and saying that she got pulled over AND her car was overheating. I was scared she wasn't going to make it but I'm glad she did! She got let off with a warning too! The lady FINALLY showed up and they had me sit on the bed. The doctor wanted me to get checked one more time and I was 9cm. The anesthesiologist said it was up to the doctor if he would still give me the okay to get the pain meds. He was very VERY hesitant but said yes. I was SO relieved. I had to sign a piece of paper which was a joke and a half of a signature. Then the anesthesiolgist said, "oh I grabbed the wrong size needle, I will have to run over to med surge real quick to get it." ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME! I really do believe I probably said that along with some other things. I was beyond upset, as were the nurses there as well. What a joke seriously. I literally thought I was dying....at least I wanted to die. With Axton I was able to keep in the zone and remain calm. This time around I was almost frantic and just unaware of how to control myself or make myself calm down. I think I screamed mulitple times "WHERE IS THAT LADY!" I think Cody was a little perturbed by my rudeness..but he obviously wasn't going to say anything. Well he did say something once..he told me to shhh when I was talking mad shit about the anesthesiologist. I told him that he had to shut up because he had no idea what it felt like. She finally comes in and instantly I had the urge to push, which I voiced. The nurse told me that if I felt the urge to push it was too late so I told her I was just joking which I wasn't but I was desperate. So the doc told the nurse to check me again and I was 9 1/2 cm. The doctor then said that I couldn't get the pain medication anymore. The anesthesiologist from hell then said..and I kid you not.. "sorry kid, you're on your own". What a completely wrong thing to say to a woman in labor that was not getting pain medication because she is a complete idiot. If she would have had her shit together and didn't move slow as a grandma then I would have been able to get the pain medication. Getting told that I HAD to go all natural again... regardless of the fact that I was already so progressed in labor..felt like I was hearing the worst news of my life. (Looking back I'm like, eh, get over it...but at the time I was heartbroken). Anyways, it was then go time to start pushing. Again I'm going to state differences. With Axton, I'd feel a contraction coming on and start pushing...and while I was pushing I no longer felt the contraction so it was actually relieving. With Zaidyn I wasn't blessed enough to have the contraction feeling go away. After my first push I asked the doctor if she had hair and he said he couldn't tell yet. After my second push I asked again and he said she didn't have much hair. I then proceeded to yell that the whole heartburn thing is a myth. I don't really know how many times I had to push, but I know it wasn't many. Probably 4 or 5 times and she was here! She was born at 2:30 am. I don't even remember what time I actually got to the hospital..but I know that my water broke at 12:45 so regardless it was an hour and 45 minutes from the time my water broke to the time she was in my arms. I told her happy birthday, and was SO happy to finally meet her. I couldn't believe how much hair she had...clearly the doc didn't know what he was talking about when he said she didn't have much hair. She has tons..and its red! Instantly I could tell she looked JUST like Cody..which I figured was going to be the case anyways. I felt relieved that it was all over with..or so I thought it was anyways. After the placenta came out (which seriously felt like a million pounds lost), the doc proceeded to give me the stitches I needed. My uterus wasn't contracting down like it should have been and some intervention needed to take place. They gave me a pitocin shot in my leg. I wasn't very happy about this because that was going to trigger contractions to contract my uterus down. Why the hell would I want to feel MORE contractions. I wouldn't. Regardless...it didn't work. So the doc told me what would have to take place..which was sticking 8 pills up my butt. I'm not joking. I was like...for one, why 8? For two, why the heck up my butt, honestly? But it was for quick absorption I guess. Either way it was the cherry on the top of the cake. Why WOULDN'T my anesthesiologist suck so I couldn't get pain meds..why WOULDN'T I tear and have to get stitches..why WOULDN'T I need 8 pills up my butt? It really doesn't surprise me, this kind of stuff happens to me all the time. Anyhow...enough of the bad stuff and back to the good stuff. Zaidyn was hungry right out of the chute. She latched on perfectly and ate for about a half an hour. Even before they weighed her! After she was done eating and my nipples turned into battle zones, they weighed her and she was 7 pounds 13 oz 19 inches long. Remember when I was saying I am a stickler about even numbers? Serves me right..there isn't one even number in any of it. She was born on 07/03/11 and she was 7 pounds 13 oz 19 inches long. Totally jinxed myself on that one eh? After the excitement of everything calmed down and my sister, Cody's mom and Cody's dad left...Cody passed out right away. I, of course, had massive adrenalin goin on, still was having mild contractions from the damn pills in my ass..and there was NO way I was going to sleep anytime soon. The rest of the hospital stay went really well. Zaidyn was doing so good breastfeeding! I had such a hard time with Axton latching but Zaidyn was such a champ right from the get go. The first 4 or 5 days of breastfeeding are such a challenge. Ugh, it hurts so bad! I am happy to say I busted through those days and am finally over that stage. I'm producing milk like a mad man. Zaidyn seems to do nothing BUT eat..and I seem to do nothing BUT feed her and make milk. I already have 5 bags stored in the freezer. Its seems by the time she is done nursing, my body has already made up for it. My tots of course got extremely large and in charge which isn't too shab of a deal. Having a baby when having small boobs is kind of like getting the chance to see what it would look like to get a boob job. Not too bad not too bad. Anyhow...the first couple days home have been great. Axton isn't jealous and is handling things REALLY well. Tonight he went up to hear and gave her a kiss and smiled so big. I think at that point I melted to a big pile of mush on the ground. I just love my kids so much...I still can't believe I have 2 children! I am SO glad that Zaidyn is finally here and now that she is, I can't imagine my life with out her! I am SO blessed!

Anyhow, I am probably going to suck big one at keeping up with my blog now that I'm going to be busy as all get out while I adjust from one child to two. I will try my best though!

Who needs it anyways?

When I ask..."who needs it anyways" I am referring to sleep. The amount of sleep..or lack there of lately, is just getting unbearable. I know I know that once she comes I will be shorted sleeping time as well..but at least in the time that I CAN sleep..I will. Right now I'm just not sleeping AT ALL. I am so exhausted mentally and physically. I can't think straight to save my stinkin life! The other night I was literally WIDE awake from 1am to 6am. I couldn't even just lay there and try to sleep. Impossible. My braxton hicks are so intense that laying in bed just hurts because its like my stomach is stinkin concrete every 5 minutes. Last night was a little better because I was actually able to fall asleep...but I was up every hour to take a whiz. EVERY HOUR. For some reason after Cody leaves for work in the morning is when I can get some serious sleep in. Meaning...for 2 hours straight with out waking up. Then of course I get woken up from my "deep sleep" with a little guy making something like dinosaur noises? Regardless of how tired I am in the morning and how much I do not want to get out of bed..I still love seeing my little guy first thing in the morning. He's just so stinkin cute I tell ya. Anyhow, my next doctors appointment is tomorrow and it will be a week and a day since my last cervical check. I am HOPING, PRAYING, PLEADING that I have made some progress. Any progress. Even 1cms worth of progress. It gives me hope. Even if it really, in all reality, means nothing.

PUPPP SHMUPPP

I just wanted to say, in case anyone was unaware, that I am SO ready to get this baby out of me! The PUPPPS rash has returned and I am livid. It is so highly unlikely to even get it your first pregnancy..and the odds are non existent for getting it your second. Not to mention, it usually occurs when you are having a boy. I have defied all odds here people. My doctor said it is literally crazy to him that I have gotten it once again. I think with Axton I got it at 32 weeks...so I am thankful that I started getting it at 36 weeks this time around. It is just on my stomach for now..but I am dreading..and I mean DREADING it to spread any further on my body. By the time Axton was born it was from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. It was TERRIBLE. When I went to the doctor on Monday I told him I didn't need the steroid cream quite yet just because putting regular lotion on it when it got super itchy was working well enough. Two days later I regret what I said. During the day it isn't so bad. Once and awhile it will start itching like crazy and I feel like I could just bust out of my skin from the intense urge to itch it like crazy. At night it is the worst, only because I can't really control myself. It will start itching while I'm sleeping..and I'll start itching it half sleeping and not realize that I'm doing it. Once you start itching..it really is quite impossible to stop, literally. When I'm going crazy itching it..it feels SOOOOOOO good..and the second I stop it is just an overwhelming hot burning crazy ass itching feeling that is unbearable...so I start itching again and it goes away and I am feeling bliss. The problem with this is that itching it is what causes it to spread. Having it contained on my belly is enough problem in itself. I do not need it on my arms and legs and feet and back again. NO I DO NOT. I called my doctor this morning and said Just kidding I would like the steroid cream! The problem with the steroid cream vs regular lotion is that you have to use very sparingly because the steroids soak into the skin and are absorbed..therefore baby can be exposed to it as well. I just want it for nighttime so I don't make it much much worse unknowingly. Friday will mark me full term and then she better come out ASAP before this rash gets out of control! I know that I can't decide that...but it would be mighty swell if she would do that for me. Cervical check on Monday showed 1cm dilated, 25% effaced and fully softened so lets get this stinkin show on the road eh?