Well, now and again I just have to throw a blog post out there about things a little more deeper than surface stuff. I feel like my brain moves so quickly that sometimes I don't even have time to process my own thoughts. They leave my head just as quick as they got there. The last couple weeks however I have been juggling around feelings that I'm unable to properly deal with. I was thinking that perhaps if I tried to get it down in writing, I may be able to conclude some of the feelings or find a solution to them. I love run on sentences.
I guess I should first start off by saying that I have always felt different. Not different in the sense of being an outcast, just different in the sense that I don't really have the feeling of belonging. In any given situation, place, or experience I just never feel satisfaction or fulfillment. It is quite frustrating because I do feel blessed with the people and things in my life, but yet I find myself unhappy a majority of the time. Sure, my kids make me happy..but not much else. And I attribute that to the lack of feeling close to anyone or anything. Anything good in my life I feel is always temporary. I believe this is because of my nature, not because things or people become not good enough. A lot of the times it's the circumstances that does this as well. Living far away from someone I could feel really close to, or becoming substantially different in where we stand in life. I just have extremely stubborn idealism that doesn't mesh readily with modern existence. I am becoming very frustrated with this because I don't know where to go from here.
I feel what makes up a person is their experiences. It attributes to the main development of ones character, helps decipher one's personal opinions and preferences, and above all is what makes personal growth attainable. Often times, especially lately, I find myself feeling extremely down because of all this. I have all these desires, but cannot fulfill them due to the responsibilities in front of me. I find myself longing for the chance to "experience." I just want to state that in no way shape or form am I saying that I don't enjoy my life with my kids and the things I do to keep us afloat. I do, and always will do anything in my might to keep them happy and do what is best for them.
Routine is not for me. I don't enjoy having a lifestyle wrapped around routine, and I definitely don't function the best under a lifestyle of constants either. I am a free spirit, always have been. I thrive on change, I thrive on the unknown ahead of me, and I thrive on the excitement of experiencing new things. My life has pretty much been the exact same every single day for the past 3 years. It is really REALLY starting to get to me. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew my life would change. I prepared myself for it, and entered the role with open arms. I changed myself completely, only later to realize that that was not the right approach either. I realized I could still be myself and be a great mother to my kids. The last year I have been on quite the emotional and spiritual journey. I have always said that I will spend each of my days creating myself instead of "finding" myself. However, in order to start creating myself I had to start acknowledging myself first. Acknowledge things about me that I didn't before. Face the things about me head on that I was trying to look past or avoid. The truth of the matter is that this is not the lifestyle that I pictured myself having. I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for love. I feel in myself a superabundance of energy in which I am finding no outlet in this quiet life of mine. But the reality of it is, I was given this life for a reason. I reeeeeally genuinely am desperate to find that reason. I don't think I ever will, I just feel like maybe I can have a peace of mind about it all.
I really hope I am not coming off like I am unhappy with my "Mom" role and I dread waking up each day with my kids. That is not the case what so ever. The love I have for my children is everlasting and makes me love waking up each day. They are the light in my life. I just have this overwhelming feeling that there is something missing in my life. Do a lot of people feel this way, like a constant void? I try not to think about it often because I have layered thoughts about it all. I often contemplate if this "huge missing piece" is a person? A place? I think that is why I have questioned so much about Cody and I because I kind of felt like the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with would fill that void for me. I still feel it. Is it my surroundings? Am I not satisfied with the background of my life? Well, not especially. I mean I live in Wisconsin for crying out loud. I always wanted to move out West when I was done with school. Would living in an area that had such a positive outburst of energy do the trick for me? I don't know. I'm in no position to give it a whirl that's for sure.
I just am such a layered individual, and I myself am still trying to put the puzzle pieces together. Not many people that have come into my life have known me well enough to get that. I usually give off the same first impression to people when they meet me, and unfortunately it doesn't really get past that. There have been 4 individuals in my life that I have been able to show the deeper side of me to and have somewhat understood me..mostly because they are very similar. 3 out of those four live far as hell away and the other one is my Dad. My relationship with my Dad should be a whole nother blog. But of course I will probably forget about it. Maybe someone could remind me if I don't write for a long time?
Story goes, I'm deciphering the appropriate way to get to the bottom of how I am feeling. I really would just like to find my path again. I would like to think that I am building my own path vs trying to find the right one..but nothing feels RIGHT anymore. I am indecisive as fuck, and when I finally make a decision about something and start moving in that direction, I always find myself questioning it. I don't want to live my life questioning everything..it really isn't my style. It is happening subconsciously, which is almost more frustrating then if it wasn't happening subconsciously. I will probably start writing more about this personal journey of mine. I think if someday I am able to find that peace of mind I'm so desperately searching for..it would be quite the adventure to read back about how I got there.
