1. There is someones blog that I read where she literally says ANYTHING and EVERYTHING on her mind. She does not hide any kind of anything. She says it how it is, every issue or problem in her life. Clearly, doesn't care what anybody thinks..she writes because she needs to. I love her blog. So forward, and so so so personal. Life is going by so fast and I just really sometimes like the idea of having EVERYTHING down in writing so I can read back and remember my life through my own writing. (My memory sometimes sucks)
2. I feel weird talking to anybody about it..so I think if I just write about this, I can get it off my chest and I don't have to worry about what the person I am talking to is thinking about me.
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So, I don't really know who all reads my blog, but the people I know that read my blog already are aware of the fact that Cody is not Axton's biological father. My friend Mandy has this exact same siutation with her daughter Adabelle. Once she found out she was pregnant, he jolted and has never once seen the baby he created with Mandy. She was over the other day and was using my computer to go on her fake fb account and look up her daughters biological father to see if she could get info from it for child support agency. She had asked me if I ever look Axton's biological father up? I said no, because I have him blocked therefore I can't search for him either. She asked if I would mind if she looked him up, and I said no. If it was anyone else that never has met him or seen him before..I would have said no, but she is very much the only person that can relate with me with everything emotionally that comes with this situation. She finds him and it only shows his profile picture. I get up off the couch to look and she says dude don't even look. Well, obviously I'm going to. I walked over to the computer and she just grabbed my arms so tight. I looked and it is a picture of him and his "fiance" who is very very far along in her prengnacy and he is holding her belly with a huge smile on his face. I instantly ran to the bathroom and threw up. REALLY? I was feeling so many emotions at this point I couldn't even pull myself together man. I can honestly say that I don't remember the last time I was THAT. SAD. (I just have to say before anything else...that I am 100% satisfied with how things have turned out in my life, and I would not want things to be ANY other way, Cody is Axton's father through thick and thin, always has been, always will be.) I was in shock for awhile and then I started processing my thoughts. I really do believe that I have never properly dealt with this part of my life. I definitely in every way shoved it all away hoping to never release the feelings from the jar. Well, like it or not, I was faced with something I was not prepared to think about. Once I found out I was pregnant, for one he didn't believe me and thought I was just saying it to make him want to be with me or something?? (We had a very on and off thing..never were we bf and gf just because both of us were at a point in our lives where we did not want to make that kind of commitment to each other, although I really did have "love" for him) For two, right from the get go he said he wanted NOTHING to do it, because "he had many things he wanted out of life that didn't include being a father". He made it seem that I was trying to completely fuck over his life. I was "ruining his life". He always made me feel like HE was the only one effected by this. Um HELLO, I was living in Milwaukee just about to start a radiology internship that I literally JUST got accepted for. The only program in the midwest that offers radiology as a bachelors degree. The internship in which 12 spots were open and 150 people interviewed for. A week after I got my acceptance and was soooo unbelievably on top of the world, I had to walk my ass in there and tell them I couldn't do it. Because I was pregnant. I moved home and lost most ALL of my friends. I had just signed a lease in Milwaukee at a house so after I moved home I had to continually for 11 months pay 450 a month for a house I was SUPPOSED to be living in. I went to doctors appointments, MYSELF, I dealt with all these changes MYSELF. I had to tell my whole family that I was pregnant (not that it was hard but it certainly wasn't easy) and it surely didn't help to be like, oh btw the father isn't involved! I made A LOT of sacrifices, A LOT. I changed my WHOLE LIFE, yet he told not ONE single person, family or friends..and probably not still to this day I dunno. Never once did he acknowledge that I was a person in the situation too, I had feelings too. If it wasn't for meeting Cody, I am not sure how I would have managed getting through the second half of my pregnancy. Anyways, back to Dbag. He made my life a living hell...for the ENTIRE 9 months, even though the last 2 months I had no contact w/ him. He harrassed me every. single. day. There was even a time in which he told me he was praying something would happen to me so that he didn't have to deal w/ either of us. At this point not one single thing in his life was effected by me being pregnant except supposedly his mind! He moved across country, and was engaged to some chick like 2 weeks later after me telling him I was pregnant. He was just a complete asshole. I had to change my phone number 3 times! The day after Axton was born he e-mailed my dad and stated that he was upset because I didn't let him know his son was born. REALLY? As if he deserved one ounce of gratification/acknowledgement for the beautiful baby we created. Anyways, when seeing this picture of him "posing" as Mr. Dad, it made me UPSET. Not upset because he isn't in Axton's life..because it would honestly be easier for me to be tortured to my death then see him lay one single finger on my son. I was upset because of what he did to ME. What he put ME through. Cody and I have to look our son in the face someday and tell him his biological Dad did not want to be a part of his life. I have to do that. Because of his complete selfishness, and despicable way of trying to be a human. Just think of your child and how much you absolutely LOVE them more then anything in the world..and know that they were half made by someone you absolutely HATE..have NO contact w/ what so ever, and don't even have any idea what stinkin state they live in? I am SO glad he is not in my life or Axton's life..but the fact of the matter is that it hurts my feelings. I don't really think you can feel a bigger kind of rejection then having the man you created a baby w/ turn ape shit on you and go crazy and ditch out. What is so great about THAT girl and THAT baby that he doesn't flee like a bandit and treat her like dirt?! Upon further creepation on fb, I find out they are having a boy, and naming him a name in which he told me multiple times to name Axton..which I made it very clear if he thought he had any part in deciding a name he was on CRACK. How can he even live with himself? Anyhow, last night I had a dream that he was in. We were at like a grocery store? We ran into each other and had a very decent conversation. We were talking very softly to each other..I asked him if he was happy and he said Yes. I asked him if he was more importantly content (which I say more importantly because he could never find the feeling of being content w/ all areas of his life) and he said Yes. He asked me if Axton was healthy and happy, and I said Yes. He said that he loved his Fiance very much. I then told him that Axton stands like him. Which is really weird because Axton does stand like him (with his right knee popped) but I have never vocalized that to anybody before. And the one thing I tell him when running into him (in my dream) was that Axton stood like him. Anyways, I woke up and I felt such a feeling of relief overcome me. The dream honestly felt so real to me, like we were both sleeping and met into each others worlds to just connect for that mere second to get a reading on each of our lives? Anyways, I know it may seem very odd, but this morning I was actually thinking that I am happy for him. When I was pregnant he was in no way shape or form going to have anything to do with it. He was very very much a lost soul when he was a part of my life before I got pregnant. So clearly in the last 2 years he has done some growing up and I am so glad that he is there for her like he should have been for me..because it is not fun to do it alone. He seems happy in all of his pictures, and he seems really excited for the baby, and I am really glad for that. I can honestly say that at one point in my life I cared about him in a manner that even though he has put me through a lot..I can still be happy for him. I have my life..(with out him in it) and he has his life (with out Axton in it) and I think for the both of us has turned out for the better. And to say the least, he has given me a little boy who absolutely, in every possible way, lights up my world..for that I am endlessly thankful.
You have no idea how much emotional weight I have lifted from me as a result of dealing with such a heavy burden. I probably will never talk about it ever again on here..but honestly...writing how I feel about all of this has helped immensely. I am really glad I took the time to write it.
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