Worky Shmirkey

I know I have probably said this before, but I really feel like coming up with a title for each blog post is so difficult for me. I mean, I think it is safe to say that in my blogs I ramble on about multiple different topics. Since that is the case, how the heck am I supposed to be able to choose just one topic to base the title off of? I guess I just gotta apologize for my whacky titles that probably don't make any sense. Big whoop, right?

On Wednesday I started work at the Colfax Health and Rehab facility. I have done my 3 days of training and so far everything is going great. Everything will be so much easier after I have a little more experience w/ the residents so I can know them all by name and acquire the knowledge of each of their preferences. Obviously it is NOT easy to not be able to say goodnight to Axton and Zaidyn. I always am looking at the clock around bedtime and just wish so badly I could give them kisses goodnight, and tell them how much I love them. Pumping at work is the dumbest thing on planet earth. I'm super struggling right now, but I'm really trying to stinkin kick it in gear so I can still breastfeed. I haven't had to supplement at all yet, but my freezer supply is slacker city. Besides that, I missed the elderly sooooo much. I really really loved my job at Linden Grove, and I honestly still miss some of the residents there..I know I'll never forget my favorite lady there. She seriously thought that I was from a different planet. She told me I was the weirdest person she has ever met and one time even told me to go back to my home planet. Good times, good times. Anyways, I very much enjoyed being in that environment again. Obviously there are parts of the job that aren't the awesomest, but man do I just love the elderly. They are just such a joy, even if they don't say anything. I always just think to myself when looking at them, how many memories they have stored in that brain, all the life they have lived, families they have made. I just can't imagine being that old. I wonder if at that point in your life when you have realized that you don't have that many years left..when your body starts to fail you..what exactly you think about when looking back on your life. Regrets? Favorite times? Favorite people that were once apart of your life? I am not exactly sure what I want out of my life, but I do know that I always want to try to be happy. Course, many things can occur to make that a rather difficult task..but I know with a positive outlook, positive thoughts, and uplifting surroundings, those times are easily managed. I have to admit, I don't feel I have those things right now. I can say that I have a positive outlook, I feel I always have. Positive thoughts?? Not so much. I have realized as of recent that I am a Debbie Downer man. I try not to be.. I feel like I give positive energy..and not a negative energy kind of vibe..but I just struggle w/ not thinking about the worst in every situation. Currently, I feel like I am grasping on to something soooo tight that I don't want to lose, but I am really trying to have a completely different mind set to manage it. I want to be able to find peace with anything that comes at me, good and bad. Just let go of all the worries and wonders, because everything happens as it should, even the bad stuff. The bad stuff is where you learn your lessons which makes the good stuff that much better. Currently I carry the feeling of having something missing in my life. I'm not exactly sure what that is. That was a complete lie, I know exactly what it is. (<-- that is a perfect example of this honesty business BS I've been dealing with. I didn't HAVE to admit that I know what is missing in my life, I could have easily just kept it at having you think I don't know whats missing in my life so I didn't have to tell you. I couldn't even do it. Right after I typed out the sentence I was like fuck, that's a lie. Still don't think I'm gonna tell you though. See? Don't you think it would have been better if I just lied? Gol, lose lose for me.) I am just taking everything day by day and seeing what each bring. Truly I feel like I am at a point in my life where I would really like to flourish and take in, embrace, and reflect on all the feelings coming at me. I'll let you know how it goes for me.

Anyone get the new Coldplay CD? How is it? I really wanna hear it. Keebler chips deluxe cookies are kicking my ass. Honestly, sooo delicious. I can't resist them. Can't wait to bring the kids trick or treating tomorrow. Hopefully its not dreadfully cold cuz I just hate being outside when its cold. Why do I live in Wisconsin? It's not even winter yet and I'm complaining!

Lots-o-luggage

So, I kind of screwed myself over. It has been sooo long since I have written..and lately I don't even go into my blog to read other peoples blogs because I know that I need to write, and I just have so much to say its such a daunting task. I figured that today I would MAKE myself write. The longer I put it off..the more shit I am going to have to write, right?First things first..I'm on a huge honesty kick lately. Kind of good thing, but kind of a bad thing. It's not like I lied a lot before..I just usually never shared my feelings/thoughts at all? Well hell, those days are over because I can't seem to shake this "I just GOTTA say how I feel" or "I just HAVE to share my thoughts whether you want to hear them or not." First line of business was spilling the beans to Cody. When I say spilling the beans, that seems very..not a big dealish. Let me restate: First line of business was spilling the huge fucking cement truck to Cody. The truth of the matter is, I just don't know what I want. It seems as if this ring on my finger is creating a massive amount of pressure. And not from anyone specific...just in general. Man..I don't really know if I'm the marrying kind. I know, I know..you are probably thinking..what a stinkin bitch. But guess what..when Cody and I had the many discussions of getting married etc, it IS what I wanted. In my defense, the last 2 years of my life I was just kind of numb and I was succumbing to the so called life I thought I was supposed to have. Have a kid/two kids, settle down and get married. Well I don't want "society" to decide how I have to live my life. I'm a free spirit, always have been. I can't say I don't think I ever want to get married...because I think eventually I may want to. But at 23? Daaaaaaang g, I still have a lot of life to live and that is a HUGE commitment. Things change, people change, feelings change, situations change, LIFE changes. So I just had to get that out there...no wedding.

Second line of business, I start work this week. Tomorrow actually :( I am gonna work at a nursing home in Colfax, the pm shift. I'll work 2-10:30 which is super lame..but I just wanted to do whatever to eliminate as much daycare cost as possible. Which I am in daycare search mode right now and its honestly so stupid. First off, I can't really do any "in home" day cares cuz I have 2 kids under the age of 2..so its hard enough to find someone who has an availability for ONE kid under the age of 2..but 2? Not happening. This leaves me to look at facilities (EXPENSIVE) So gotta first eliminate all the day cares that don't offer half day pricings. I will not pay one solid amount per week or per day when I only need someone to watch the kids 2 or 3 days a week from 1-6. There are TWO day cares around here that offer half day pricing..and the one has nothing available in the age groups I'm looking for. That leaves one day care. If I don't like it, I'm screwed. Not cool at all. And for 3 half days a week it is 26 dollars for each of the kids. 52 dollars to have them watch Axton and Zaidyn for 5 hours? HONESTLY!?!? What the fuck is the point of me going to work to make 40 bucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Probably 30 bucks after taxes!!!! I'm just not seeing the logic in this at all. I might have to take up another job or something I dunno. Frick!!!!

3rd line of business is the kids of course :) Zaidyn is going to be 4 months old! Holy heck! I am struggling hardcore style w/ breastfeeding and with work creeping up on me..I have the weakest milk supply in the freezer known to mankind. I am going to give it my all and try to keep up but I just realistically don't see it happening. If I am struggling to keep up with me at home..how the h am I supposed to keep up w/ me being gone? Axton is Axton...curious as ever. It is so fun watching him explore his world. He has such an imagination and does the funniest things. This kid likes hanging out in the most random places seriously. I could name plenty..but the other day he topped the cake. It got really quiet so I knew he was up to something..so I went into his room and he wasn't there..I called his name multiple times and he wasn't coming. I looked in all his normal hiding spots and I just couldn't find him anywhere. I was getting a little bit into panic mode. Anyways, I finally heard some talkin from his room so I go back in there and I still don't see him anywhere...I then realize its coming from the dresser. I open up the bottom drawer..and there he is. Laying in the bottom drawer of the dresser. Of course when I opened it he started laughing. I mean, he climbed in the dresser drawer laid down and shut himself in...didn't get scared one bit..thought it was funny. Now he does it all the time. Boy oh boy!!

4th line of business is my trip to Milwaukee. I had a reeeeeeeeeeal good time. It really made me miss living there a lot. Plus I just really miss Amber :( :( I think it was a little insane w/ both the kids not being at "home". Especially since Axton is so curious..its essential to be in a baby proof place. Although, Amber's place was more baby proof then most places you would go to w/o kids! I think it was necessary for survival to get away for awhile...Anyways, if you haven't been to the Milwaukee County Zoo you really need to. Honestly, it was amazing. It made the Como zoo and the Minnesota Zoo look TERRIBLE. It would truly be worth the 4 hour drive to go to the zoo there for the day. It is awesome.

Jinxed

I just gotta stop in and say that I did NOT forget of my blogs existence. I have  A  LOT to say and just gotta find some time to write. Possibly tomorrow night??? A lot has been happening here at the home front...and writing some thoughts down seems necessary for survival.  I also need to update about my trip to Milwaukee :) :) :)