Lots-o-luggage

So, I kind of screwed myself over. It has been sooo long since I have written..and lately I don't even go into my blog to read other peoples blogs because I know that I need to write, and I just have so much to say its such a daunting task. I figured that today I would MAKE myself write. The longer I put it off..the more shit I am going to have to write, right?First things first..I'm on a huge honesty kick lately. Kind of good thing, but kind of a bad thing. It's not like I lied a lot before..I just usually never shared my feelings/thoughts at all? Well hell, those days are over because I can't seem to shake this "I just GOTTA say how I feel" or "I just HAVE to share my thoughts whether you want to hear them or not." First line of business was spilling the beans to Cody. When I say spilling the beans, that seems very..not a big dealish. Let me restate: First line of business was spilling the huge fucking cement truck to Cody. The truth of the matter is, I just don't know what I want. It seems as if this ring on my finger is creating a massive amount of pressure. And not from anyone specific...just in general. Man..I don't really know if I'm the marrying kind. I know, I know..you are probably thinking..what a stinkin bitch. But guess what..when Cody and I had the many discussions of getting married etc, it IS what I wanted. In my defense, the last 2 years of my life I was just kind of numb and I was succumbing to the so called life I thought I was supposed to have. Have a kid/two kids, settle down and get married. Well I don't want "society" to decide how I have to live my life. I'm a free spirit, always have been. I can't say I don't think I ever want to get married...because I think eventually I may want to. But at 23? Daaaaaaang g, I still have a lot of life to live and that is a HUGE commitment. Things change, people change, feelings change, situations change, LIFE changes. So I just had to get that out there...no wedding.

Second line of business, I start work this week. Tomorrow actually :( I am gonna work at a nursing home in Colfax, the pm shift. I'll work 2-10:30 which is super lame..but I just wanted to do whatever to eliminate as much daycare cost as possible. Which I am in daycare search mode right now and its honestly so stupid. First off, I can't really do any "in home" day cares cuz I have 2 kids under the age of 2..so its hard enough to find someone who has an availability for ONE kid under the age of 2..but 2? Not happening. This leaves me to look at facilities (EXPENSIVE) So gotta first eliminate all the day cares that don't offer half day pricings. I will not pay one solid amount per week or per day when I only need someone to watch the kids 2 or 3 days a week from 1-6. There are TWO day cares around here that offer half day pricing..and the one has nothing available in the age groups I'm looking for. That leaves one day care. If I don't like it, I'm screwed. Not cool at all. And for 3 half days a week it is 26 dollars for each of the kids. 52 dollars to have them watch Axton and Zaidyn for 5 hours? HONESTLY!?!? What the fuck is the point of me going to work to make 40 bucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Probably 30 bucks after taxes!!!! I'm just not seeing the logic in this at all. I might have to take up another job or something I dunno. Frick!!!!

3rd line of business is the kids of course :) Zaidyn is going to be 4 months old! Holy heck! I am struggling hardcore style w/ breastfeeding and with work creeping up on me..I have the weakest milk supply in the freezer known to mankind. I am going to give it my all and try to keep up but I just realistically don't see it happening. If I am struggling to keep up with me at home..how the h am I supposed to keep up w/ me being gone? Axton is Axton...curious as ever. It is so fun watching him explore his world. He has such an imagination and does the funniest things. This kid likes hanging out in the most random places seriously. I could name plenty..but the other day he topped the cake. It got really quiet so I knew he was up to something..so I went into his room and he wasn't there..I called his name multiple times and he wasn't coming. I looked in all his normal hiding spots and I just couldn't find him anywhere. I was getting a little bit into panic mode. Anyways, I finally heard some talkin from his room so I go back in there and I still don't see him anywhere...I then realize its coming from the dresser. I open up the bottom drawer..and there he is. Laying in the bottom drawer of the dresser. Of course when I opened it he started laughing. I mean, he climbed in the dresser drawer laid down and shut himself in...didn't get scared one bit..thought it was funny. Now he does it all the time. Boy oh boy!!

4th line of business is my trip to Milwaukee. I had a reeeeeeeeeeal good time. It really made me miss living there a lot. Plus I just really miss Amber :( :( I think it was a little insane w/ both the kids not being at "home". Especially since Axton is so curious..its essential to be in a baby proof place. Although, Amber's place was more baby proof then most places you would go to w/o kids! I think it was necessary for survival to get away for awhile...Anyways, if you haven't been to the Milwaukee County Zoo you really need to. Honestly, it was amazing. It made the Como zoo and the Minnesota Zoo look TERRIBLE. It would truly be worth the 4 hour drive to go to the zoo there for the day. It is awesome.