Can you believe it? I'm actually blogging!!!! Well today I started working my 12hr shifts. I only work 3 days a week now (all 12hr shifts) but I get paid for 40 hours. Before I was only working about 56 hours a paycheck depending..(sometimes I picked up shifts)..but now I'll have 80 hours. My hours are 2pm-230am. BARF CITY. In all reality though, I get to see my kids the same amount of time because they don't even realize that I'm staying at work an extra 4 hours each time I work. Also, since my Mom got a new job and can't watch the kids anymore, it will save money for daycare. Dang I just have so much to catch up on. That is why I haven't written in forever, because I don't even know where to stinking start. Now that I am working NOC shift and don't do anything but pick my asshole, I should have plenty of time to keep up. Even though I'm not supposed to be using this computer for anything but charting. I'm on the unit by myself..with all the residents..who is going to tell on me? You sure as hell better not. I gotta do something to keep me awake for fucks sake! I think it would probably be in my best interest to take the bullet approach, no doubt. All pretty random, some more meaningful then others.
*How crazy is this shit..there is a resident here that hasn't talked or made absolutely any sounds in over a year. The other day she just started jabbering on like there is no tomorrow. Currently, everyone is sleeping..except her..she is literally singing opera style in her room. I honestly can't believe what I'm hearing.
*I moved. Again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I move waaaaay too much. It's kind of a problem. I just love new surroundings and having a new backdrop to life...I could have worse problems I think. Our lease was up mid-feb and I just really needed to figure out what I was doing. Oh man I've been so lost in life lately yet so clear minded about it at the same time. I know that doesn't make any sense but that is honestly how I feel. Things with Cody and I are so weird. I'm not even sure I want to get into it right now, although I probably should. I guess what it comes down to is that him and I are sooooo different. He would be completely fine doing the same things every single day living in the same place always, working the same job always etc etc. I just can't do that. I promised myself a long time ago that no matter what point in my life I am, I will never let myself stop growing as a person. I feel like the person you are with should make you want to be a better person, always. Should encourage you to experience new things, go different places, express diffferent ideas to different subject matters. It's been really hard because I love Cody so much, and he is such a great person, father, and significant other. But I want to be with someone who wants to grow WITH me. It is really hard to get this all into writing with out sounding like I'm saying Cody isn't good enough for me. It really isn't that..he is so great, really. We get along great, we mesh really well together..we just don't have the same goals and aspirations in life. All the things I want to accomplish in my life, I have a hard time picturing him by my side while doing so. I don't know why. It just makes me feel like I could make things work for now..but long term it just wouldn't work out. I am such a free spirit and I need to be intellectually challenged, and I periodically need change..it is just how I am. Whether its a hair color, a new place of living (seems to be my favorite these days) or whatever. I just want to do what is most fair for myself and for him. So, I got my own place :( :( I am not really too sure what this means for Cody and I??? All I know is that the space is much needed for the both of us for many reasons. I have been in a relationship since I was like freaking 14. I've always based majority of my happiness on the person I'm with and I just don't want it to be like that anymore. I want to have my own life too. I want to feel established and secure with my own life before bringing someone else into it. I have a huge committment towards my kids and I just am not sure I want anything else besides that right now. And same with Cody..I know he depends on me for sooooooo much and it just really isn't healthy at all. Being in a relationship is great, and being a strong couple is great if that is how it is..but you should still be individuals too. Also, it always seems like everything is some kind of competition between Cody and I. Who works harder, who takes care of the kids more, who is more tired, etc. etc. It really helped a lot when I went back to work and Cody had to take care of the kids on his own. I understood his perspective on being a working parent..and he understood my perspective on taking care of 2 kids all day while maintaining a household is not easy peezy lemon squeezy like he always insinuated it as. I just don't stinkin know. I LOVE Cody but I'm not IN LOVE with him. There is absolutely no passion in our relationship..it seriously feels like he's my best friend and that is the extent of it. I want to have that deep connection with the person I am with. There are way too many mediocre things in life, and love should certainly not be one of them. I mean all this was months in the making..Cody and I have been talking about all of this since shortly after Zaidyn was born. It took awhile for Cody to understand any of it..but now he finally does. Like I explained before, I am more myself now then I ever was in the past 2 and a half years. It is almost like Cody had to get to know a completely different person. Now that he is getting to know the "real" me..he realizes that the last 2 years I wasn't myself what so ever. When I first started talking to him about all of this, he really made me feel like I was being extremely selfish. Which I do feel that way sometimes. But in a situation like this, that is OKAY. I have to be selfish when it comes to MY life and MY feelings. Sure we have kids together, but that doesn't mean that I have to settle with the feeling of "settling." I read in a book once that the best gift you could ever give your child (besides breastfeeding lol) is to have a wonderful example of a loving relationship for them to observe and learn from. Sure, Cody and I have a good relationship...but not a loving one? We just recently started being very communicative with one another and that is after 2 years! My mind is just so scattered about all of this. On one hand I really want to keep my family together and make things work. I know I could make things work..but in the long run am I going to feel fulfilled and satisfied in the realtionship? Obviously not if I already don't! I would like to think that things are going to change once the kids get a little older and aren't so dependent on us and we could spend more time focusing on our relationship...but on the other hand even though we are super busy in life right now, with the kids etc..the time we do spend together should be alot more "electric" then it is that is for sure! I also started on birth control for the first time in 3 years and I think it is making me a raging bitch. No joke. I mean maybe its just because of everything going on right now but for real dude. I swear everything that comes out of my mouth to him is snotty as hell. Then 2 minutes later I'm apologizing and being all nice. It's like I'm fucking bi-polar! I don't know how he puts up with me for real. I told Cody probably 2-ish months ago that I was moving out..and him being a guy and all...didn't start looking for a place for himself until A WEEK BEFORE OUR LEASE WAS UP. Obviously he didn't find a place, DUH. So he has been staying with me..which at first I was really irritated about. 1. I moved out for a reason! 2. I had to come up w/ money for first months rent and a security deposit which was not easy at all..all while doing this 12hr shift business so I can make enough money to pay all the bills etc and make it financially on my own..while he is living with me not paying a penny and just lolly gagging about finding a place of his own. It's like just because finding him a place to live wasn't something that I could do FOR him..he just didn't do it. ANOTHER GOOD REASON WHY WE DEFINITELY NEED OUR SPACE! Newsflash of the century pal, I ain't your mom! I do not need to do everything for you! I just don't freaking even know what to say about the situation anymore. Like I've heard before "if you have something good, don't be stupid enough to let it go". Ugh. Cody is such a great guy...but there are just very important aspects to our relationship that are missing that I just can not be okay with missing!!!!!!!!! I truly feel this will be a make it or break it kind of decision on my part. It just kind of got to a point though where I realized that if SOMETHING wasn't done to either give us space or have time alone..it certainly wasn't going to get better..we were only going to become more resentful and things were only going to get worse. I could sit and question shit every day, or we could take some time apart and see what happens. At least now I'm not fucking questioning shit everyday. I'll try to keep up to date on this whole sitaution but honestly..its just so stressful and hard trying to figure out what is best.
*This blog is so lengthly that I refuse to go back and read it and check for spelling errors etc. I am the biggest spell freak of planet USA but tonight I just don't think I feel like doing it. You will forgive me for the mistakes won't you?
*So at midnight is when you do your first rounds. Well this is my first time at this NOC business. I was thinking midnight rounds would take up a good 30 minutes of my night to keep me busy and awake. Joke is on me. It took me 10 stinking minutes. FUUUUUCK. I have 2 hours left how in the h? I won't get home until 3am then I gotta get up w/ the kids and back to work for another 12 hour shift at 2. AND SAME FOR MONDAY TOO!!! I will survive this I will survive this I will survive this.
*Right now I am obsessed with The Bachelor. I hardly watch any tv and I really do mean that. But once and awhile I will start watching The Bachelor or Bachelorette and I am hooked from the start. I really really like this season of the Bachelor mainly because Ben is just such a geniune good person. One of the last 2 finalists, Courtney, is seriously stupid x 1000. If he picks her I will seriously keel over and die. But I just have this feeling he will just because that is always what happens. But for realzy he just really needs to not choose her.
*I am soooo bored that I think I will be kind enough to do all the charting for the girl that comes in at 2. The usual 12hr shift is 6am-6pm and then 6pm to 6am. It just so happenes that me and this other lady really liked the 2-230 idea..it worked best for both of us..which is completely awesome because I get to still have my mornings with my kids. The lady who does the schedules here is a complete moron (no really she is I'm not just being mean). She absolutely did not want to let us do the 2-230 business because it would make scheduling "complicated". Now how the hell is is that complicated. She is working 12 hrs and I am working the other 12 hours. It still makes up the 24 hours regardless sooo??? At first she had me scheduled 4, 12 hour shifts in a row and I told her that she was on fucking crack if she thought that was even humanly possible to do on little sleep. The administrator told her to change it so now it ends up being 3 days in a row instead of 4..which is better but still sucks anus.
Alright, well..I'm so tired that my brain really can't think of much else to say which is just odd because I never have nothing to say. I am not sure where I will be working tomorrow evening during the NOC shift so depending on that I will try to blog again. If I work anywhere besides the unit, I have no access to a computer that I can illegally use with out anybody knowing about it. I think I am going to get a sketchbook and start drawing or hit up the library to check out a book to read or something!
7 comments:
I wonder by your blog occasionally, from another blog I read. I don't know you and live states away from you. As a 54 year old christian woman, I hope you will allow me to offer some perspective on some of the things you have written here.
'Sure we have kids together, but that doesn't mean that I have to settle with the feeling of "settling."'
Your first responsibility is, surprisingly, not to yourself. You gave that right up when you became a mother. Your responsibility now is to your children. They deserve to live a life of security, safety and peace. That will come from a home where their mom and dad are there, both caring for them, both loving them, both discipling them. both having fun with them. It takes a great deal of time and energy to raise kids. Being a single parent is not fair to your kids.
I have a huge committment towards my kids and I just am not sure I want anything else besides that right now.
Again you gave that up when you decided to have kids. It is not your choice or right to deprive your children of a 24 hour a day relationship with their father.
I LOVE Cody but I'm not IN LOVE with him. There is absolutely no passion in our relationship..it seriously feels like he's my best friend and that is the extent of it.
Love has many seasons and many patterns. If you LOVE Cody, that should be enough. If you didn't love Cody enough from the beginning to stick with him through good times and bad, then having HIS children (because they ARE HIS too) was probably a selfish move on your part. Passion ebbs a flows. I am sure Cody is not different than he was when you met and feel in love with him. As we get more comfortable in relationships, many of the things we fell in love with become the very things that bug us, but that is where TRUE LOVE comes in to play - recognizing we are all human, we all have things that are difficult to live with at times (in fact you alluded to your bitchiness is this post - that is not a personality trait that is hard to live with easier.)
When I first started talking to him about all of this, he really made me feel like I was being extremely selfish. Which I do feel that way sometimes. But in a situation like this, that is OKAY. I have to be selfish when it comes to MY life and MY feelings. Sure we have kids together, but that doesn't mean that I have to settle with the feeling of "settling."
The reason Cody thought you were being selfish is because you are. Selfish separates kids from their father, and the father from their kids, just because you are not happy. There are mature ways to deal with the restlessness you are feeling (which is normal by the way). Your actions are way too drastic, way to soon. If you started feeling this way after Zadyn was born, you were probably under the influences or hormones that were in flux. You only 'settle' if you decide in your mind that is what you are doing. You could look at your situation as a challenge to be met. I would suggest 90% of what is going on is your attitude. Changing your attitude seems like the least you could do for your kids. They need their dad in their life everyday, forever.....
Well hello there anonymous.. glad you can stop by and read from time to time. I appreciate your perspective on my life, but I am not sure I agree with you on all of it.
You are correct, my children are a huge responsibility, but I feel like it is just as important to keep my self as a responsibility too. Essentially, if I am not happy, my kids are going to definitely notice that. Having a relationship with Cody that consists of nothing but essentially a friendship is not the kind of example that I want to set for my children. I respect your opinion, but not everyone lives their life in the same manner. Regardless of if Cody and I are together, him and I will always always ALWAYS do what we can to make sure they have a life of security, safety, and peace. These things are not obtained solely on him and I being together, I assure you of that. My parents got divored when I was in 4th grade and it was nothing but a significant positive change in all of our lives..my siblings and my parents. Not all situations are the same, and not always can an accurate opinion be obtained without actually being there to observe it. If Cody and I are not together, we both will still be caring for them, loving them, discipling them, and having fun with them. It is not likely that those things are just going to come to a hault just because our relationship did.
Your statement, "being a single parent is not fair to your kids" is one I would have to completely disagree with. Again, using my parents as an example. My parents separating did a number of positive changes in our life. In fact, them separating was the MOST fair thing for them to do. Cody and I both will be wonderful parents regardless our relationship status. We can love, nurture, and care for them exactly how they deserve with out being together. We both in every way plan on raising our kids to be open minded individuals, and I can assure you that my decision to not be together if it comes to that will be one they will understand in the long run. I do not have a 24hr relationship with my father, I never have and I probably never will. It does not mean that our relationship would have been so much better if it would have been a 24hr one. Cody and I would have the kids an equal amount of time and we also would incorporate time as a family. I would not be depriving them of absolutely anything. You stated that "selfish is depriving kids from their father" Since him and I would have equal time with the children, I would not be "DEPRIVING" them of their father any more then I would be "DEPRIVING" them of myself. If time apart is what it will take for us to make things work between us and have a loving relationship that we should have, I don't quite understand why that is a durastic move.
I don't quite understand why any body would choose to just remain unhappy and learn to find "peace" with that. You only have ONE life, and I truly feel with how Cody and I are as people, that our children would not understand why we would stay together if we didn't feel passionate about each other and our relationship. What kind of example is that setting to my children? That decisions are made in life and are completely irreversible and you are stuck with them or else you are considered selfish and essentially a terrible parent? I'm sorry, but I would never want to set that kind of example to my children. I believe there is one goal in life, and that is to be happy. If you can't be happy then I can guarantee that every other aspect in your life will suffer from that. I want to be the best parent to my children that I can be, and in order to do that it is rather important that I am in a happy state of mind. Trying to convince myself for 18 years that I am happy does not seem like a life that I want to live nor is a life that I want my children to observe on a daily basis and have as their main example of "partnership" in life. The beauty of being alive is that you can make your own choices and you can pave your own way through life. Again, I appreciate your perspective and taking the time to state such. Even though we do have quite differing opinions about this particular situation, I an assure you that I love my children more then anything in the world, and their best interest will ALWAYS be of utmost importance
It is interesting that your parents were/are divorced. That is what was role modeled for you when you were an impressionable young child. I can't believe that you can truly say, as a child, that your life was better without your mom and dad together. (If you happened to grow up in a home where your father was abusive, then that is a unique situation. It doesn't sound like Cody is abusive.)
What will your children miss if their dad isn't living in the same home with them?
First and foremost they will miss the role modeling of a healthy family dynamics. They will miss having a mom and dad who role model love, commitment, conflict resolution and teamwork. What will be role modeled is: love isn't forever; your dad and I could not work out our issues; you were not important enough for me to work harder at making my relationship with your dad work.
They will miss getting excited when daddy/mommy comes home from work, having dinner as a family each night and having dad around to help with bath time, tuck them in and read them a bedtime story, and again, having the security having a mom AND dad. Dad won't be there in the morning when they wake up, won't be there to eat breakfast with, won't be there to answer questions, wrestle with them, chase them around the table. There won't be dad and the kids sneaking up on mom to see if they can scare her. Or playing hide and go seek. Or dad taking them shopping to bring home flowers for you for Valentine's day. Chances are there will be no family vacations ,Saturdays spent together cleaning house and then going our together for a treat for a job well done.Those are the things of childhood. Those are the memories your children deserve to have.
The freedom that comes from having one home, one place where everything happens. They will be spared having to pack up to go to mom's or dad' house. They won't be disappointment when they are young about having to go to one parent's house when they would rather be at the other. When they are older, they won't have to decide where to spend Christmas or Thanksgiving.
The future is unknowable, and who's to say you or cody won't get a job opportunity that moves one of you far enough away that seeing the children regularly actually becomes impossible? What happens then?
And by staying together, the resources you and Cody do have will go further. One rent, one electric bill, one gas bill, one grocery bill, etc. Children raised by one parent have a significantly higher chance of being raised in poverty, because the parents spend so much on duplicating living expenses in support of the same kids. You have no idea how expensive it is going to get having to raise kids. A team is always better than doing it alone.
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Because you and Cody appear to be in your mid-to-late 20s, chances are both of you will become involved with other people. With that comes the inevitable problems of step-parenthood. I do not know one person whose parents are divorced who doesn't wish it weren't so. Like you, they understand the reasons their parents are no longer together, but the little kid in each of them longs to have an intact family. Children deal with a lot when their parents don't stay together. Should you both go on to have other children, that will put the two you do have now as the odd men out. Your children with another man will become the children of the parents of that relationship, with you two you have now only having one parent in the relationship. The same with Cody. Having children with another woman will mean when they are at his house they also only have one parent in that family. Your children are suddenly the "stepchildren" no matter where they are at.
This choice is your hands. You hold the future of your family and your children firmly in your grip. You have indicated this isn't what Cody wants. I can tell you if your kids could voice their opinion, it would not be what they want. Again, I would say to you, you are making a very selfish decision, too soon, too fast. You and Cody should seek counseling. You should do everything you can to preserve the relationship you have with Cody.
God's plan for children is to grow up in a home with both parent present. Since you and Cody are not married, you have already put the horse before the cart. It doesn't sound like you have done the rigorous work of becoming a couple. Believe me, I know that relationships take hard work. Ask anyone who has been married for a while. You have 'tired' of the relationship and things in Cody's personality that you don't feel is a mesh with who you are. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. every relationship has trial and problems. I can tell you that if you change the way you think about Cody, you can change the way you feel about him. I would challenge you each day for two weeks to think of three things you appreciate about Cody and then to say a one-sentence prayer asking God to bless him in some way and then a one sentence prayer asking God to change your heart. You might be surprised at how you feel at the end of the two weeks.
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