WTF

Okay seriously, this pisses me off. If I want to eat a cookie or 15, I wanna be able to get in and out of the package hassle free. Can't they take a little hint from Chips Ahoy, with the open on top hassle free package? Once I can actually manage to get some cookies out of the package, the last thing I want to do is spend 5 minutes trying to get the plastic cookie holder back into the wrapper. Makes me feel like I'm beating the shit out of it. Kind of looks like I beat the shit out of it, too.

Next subject, old lady that lives downstairs. They told me prior to me signing the lease that a really old lady lives on the lower level of this house. So old that you can knock on her door as loud as you can for 5 minutes straight and she won't hear you. I thought that was pretty awesome having kids and all. Regardless, there is a 2 car garage here and I am supposed to have one of the spots, naturally. Well, since I have lived here..which was since the 21st of last month..I have not been able to park in the garage one single time because old fart parks in the fucking middle of the garage. Swell. So I just dealt with it at first..cuz you know..she's old as ballsack. But through the big snowstorms that we just had a bit ago..it would have been REAL nice to be in the garage! So today, I went on strike. Not really strike..but I talked to the owner of the house, and I told him I want my rent lowered since the garage isn't an amenity that I am capable of using. He said he completely agreed :) Woot Woot. Yay for Caitlin going on garage strike!

Molly

Tattoo time folks. This Thursday I have an appointment for my next tattoo! I'm so excited. I really have just soo many that I want and I had to take a couple years off so I feel so behind, and so anxious. Anyway, I'm going all out this time. Let me introduce you to Molly:

Isn't she beautiful? I drew her a looooooooong time ago. High school sometime. My original drawing is way battered up, I still have it..but I redid it recently because I knew she was going to be my next tattoo. I have wanted to get her for a long time, but I really wanted to wait until the perfect time in my life to do so. I think Molly will probably be my most meaningful tattoo besides the tattoos I get for my children. She has a cloud over her and it just happens to be raining. I have this quite unfortunate feeling that in my life its always fucking raining. That is NOT me saying that my life sucks. Just clarifying. It just means that even when I'm going through a positive time in my life, or experience something positive, or make a multitude positive memories..there always as to be SOMETHING that happens to make it a difficult task and/or just dampers it a bit. I really don't feel like elaborating much on that one right now, but perhaps someday. I just have terrible luck..that basically sums it up. Regardless, through this rain, Molly is still smiling, and also holding a flower that is larger than life. I say larger then life because it is larger then her, so it symbolizes to me..larger than life. I have so many goals for my lifetime, and sometimes it just seems like such an impossible daunting task list. I am currently trying to maintain a mind set to not look at the list as a whole, but take the first thing and start there. Once that one is accomplished, go to the next. Focus on each individual once vs the entire list. Ya get it? Regardless, I think setting goals for yourself is one of the most important things you can do. It can be any kind of goal...from cleaning the bathroom this week, to having a career that you love. The point is having something to work towards. Having goals makes me feel larger than life, only because it makes me feel that I have control over something. I find myself very uneasy in situations that I have no control over. My goal list? I always have control over that. With all that said, the larger than life flower symbolizes my personal list of goals that I want to always have and always be active with. The pocket watch coming off of the flower looks like shit. I realize that. The tattoo artist is re-doing it for me because I just couldn't do it. I told him I wanted it really really dainty and cute. I am not a good drawer but I tried so hard on Molly and I really do love her. The pocket watch? Looks like asshole. Anyhow, I can still tell you the meaning behind it. The clock will have a time on it that doesn't exist. I am not quite sure what I want that to be. Any ideas? It symbolizes the fact that there is no perfect time for anything...because a "perfect time" doesn't actually exist. If there was something I wanted to do, or buy..I can always think of something else that would be a smarter buy, or something else that I should spend my time doing. Etc. Etc. I decided awhile ago that I was going to kick those nasty thoughts in my head goodbye. If I want to experience something whatever it may be..I'm not letting anything hold me back..because regardless how long I wait, it's still never going to be the perfect time. Perfect example: My Molly tattoo. It is going to be expensive as h and expensive as h. But regardless what point in my life that I am in, I will ALWAYS have things that would be way smarter to spend my money on. I can't live my life that way..I want to experience and go out on limbs and do things that I find myself urging to do. I always wanted to get Molly at a time in my life where I felt I truly needed inspiration. That would be right now. Sure, I need to buy a washer and dryer..and sure I could put it away in my savings. But why the fuck not? I'm always going to have something that would be smarter to buy!!!!!!! Laundry mat? Pain in the ass..but to have Molly? WORTH IT! Anyhow, she is going on my outter left thigh. Then I am getting her framed. Something like this:

None of it is going to be in color. I think she will look soo cute on my thigh with this frame around her. With no color I think the shading of the frame will look really cool. It's going to be pretty darn large. He told me that will all her detail and such, we should do it 12 x 8. EEEK! How exciting! My appointment is on Thursday for 4 hours. It will probably take 2 sessions of 4 hours each. I, of course, will show you a pic Thursday evening. What I'm wondering is what am I supposed to wear when he's doing the tattoo????? Any ideas? Some short ass shorts? Brrrrr! Anyways, suuuuuuuuper excited for Molly!

Who done it

There is this lunatic lady nurse that works NOC shift and well..she's just kinda a raging bitch not gonna lie. Anyways, last night before the NOC shift started and I had my last 4 hours of my 12hr shift...I walk into the break room which was filled with the regular people that work NOC shift..she goes..okay so just so everyone knows there will be NO using the work computers for personal reasons, if caught on the internet it is instant grounds for termination..you can clear the history all you want but it still shows up on the main computer of the tech guy. (Then she looks right at me). WHICH ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES TOLD? Just kidding..she is talking out of her ass. If that was the case, me along with plenty of other people would have been fired a long time ago. But basically, someone did rat on me who really knows who...but they can basically keel over and shit their pants. Honestly I think it is so stupid. Do you know what we do on night shift? NOOOOOOOOOTHING. I mean we have things to do here and there but 3 hours and 45 minutes of the 4 hours I work on NOC shift we do nothing. Literally. Why the h does it matter if we would use the bajillion computers laying around? Instead I have to sit on a chair and safety pin my eyelids open. It seems rather inhuman to me. Last night I worked with a new guy named Rich and he is a real cool guy. He was telling me all about his recent milestones in life that are rather strikingly interesting. He is one to care way too much about what other people think about him, which is exactly how I used to be. So I was trying to enlighten him with my experience on how I changed that particular trait of mine. Anyways, this blog is taking me forever to write because every other sentence Axton is having me dig a car from under the couch out. So I think I'll just ace :P

Backtrack

Alright so I just got to admit some stuff. Last night after I posted the post being harshy mc harsherson about 54 year old Christian lady..I felt a little bad to be quite frank. I know I said I disagreed with her on most of it...but I just needed to clarify some stuff. Her first response..I disagreed with most of it. Her second response..I didn't disagree with mainly any of it. Yeah of course it would be "ideal" for every child to get those things, memories etc..but just because they wouldn't doesn't mean they are going to have the shittiest childhood ever. That is what was mainly the frustration to me. Her acting like the only way the kids would ever have a chance at a good childhood is if the parents were still together. Also, she said the only good reason for a couple to split is if the father is abusive..otherwise there is no other way it would be better off for them to be apart. What about if the kids are constantly observing fighting, arguing...lack of teamwork? Or if the Dad is never around anyways and the Mother is doing everything by herself anyways? Just because two people would stay together does not mean that it would be all fireworks and doughnuts. There are issues in relationships that sometimes are NOT okay for children to be around and observe. (I am not particularly meaning Cody and I because we keep our issues away from the kids to avoid such things, I am just saying in general.) I remember having this dilemma in my brain when I took a psychology class my freshman year in college. We were discussing family dynamics and how much divorce can effect children. I am not going to sit here and say that divorce doesn't effect children at all....because obviously it does...but believe it or not it can effect children in a positive manner sometimes too. Yes they have two households, and yes they have to go back and forth. But they can have two loving households, two households with a parent in each that does anything and everything for them to ensure they have a happy childhood filled with great memories. I think it really has all to do with the parents intentions on how they want to raise their children, how they want to handle the split, and not so much concentrating on specifically if the parents are together or not. As a parent I think it is important to set goals for how you want to raise your children and never space away from those in any given situation. I mean I have to admit that I can't honestly say she didn't have any effect on me on what she wrote..although I really do hate admitting that. I do now realize that I CAN try a bit harder. I can see where she would say that I am making a drastic move too soon, but in my head I guess I was just trying to protect Cody. If I didn't think it was going to work out long term why would I let him keep holding on to something that inevitably wasn't going to work out? Why put him through watching me struggle each day staying in the relationship? It just didn't seem fair to me. I don't know what the heck is going on my mind is all scattered. Danget 54 year old Christian lady..did to me exactly what she wanted to!!

Oh for PITS SACK!

Good god some people!! Alright so, I apologize for having to change my URL AGAIN! It wasn't because of dipwod of the nation commenting on my last post. (I will get to that in a sec). It was because someone...(I don't really want to say names but then again I don't give a rip rally roodles but I will be nice) lets call her....Wanda. lol Wanda. Gol out of all names I choose Wanda. Regardless, Wanda and I used to be friends...Wanda currently dates Cody's cousin. (not trying to give any hints away or anything here). Well anyhow, we used to be friends. We stopped being friends because her best friend moved back up here from Texas (again not trying to give hints or anything) and I basically fell of planet earth to her. I knew it was going to happen, that once she moved back up here that Wanda basically would go back to spending all her extra time with her best friend. I was fine with that even though it kind of felt she was using me to hang out with someone while her best friend was not around. Regardless..we just kinda lost touch but I didn't really think anything of it..it just was what it was. MONTHS later after not talking at all, I find out that the reason she stopped talking to me was because I stated all my friends live in Milwaukee. Okay? Are we in 2nd grade here? For one, I don't believe I would ever say that. I might have mentioned the fact that majority of my friends live in Milwaukee when I was saying that I kind of wanted to move back there..but I would never say ALL OF MY FRIENDS LIVE IN MILWAUKEE AND NONE OTHER THEN MILWAUKEE. Obviously because that is just not true. Regardless, I found the reasoning out through Cody who found out through his cousin who dates WANDA. This kind of really pissed me off. For one, you say I said this..but don't care enough about our friendship to talk to me about it, instead you just cut me out of your life??? Pretty sure communication is key to anything in life and this was huge MISCOMMUNICATION. If she would have just talked to me about it, things would have been just fine. So, best friend from Texas moves home, I get pushed to the curb, then completely ignored for months because of a comment I supposedly made...and once again I am the bad guy. Whatever, I never said anything to her about it because I try to avoid drama at all costs and if she couldn't even come to talk to me about it then I guess our friendship wasn't that important anyways, right? Eventually I deleted her and her best friend off of facebook along with Cody's cousin just because I know she has the password to that. I didn't want her knowing about anything in my life because why should she? So yesterday when I was at work I get a call from Cody and he is upset. Well WANDA was at work..and Cody's brother happened to be there as well. WANDA decided she would tell Cody's brother all the stuff I was writing in my blog about the Cody and my situation going on. Also, telling him that he needs to convince his brother to leave me. LET ME MAKE SOME COMMENTS HERE...if you don't want to be apart of my life WANDA, why the FUCK are you reading about it? She obviously still had the url to my blog..and kept tabs on me that way. Then had the balls to talk to Cody's brother about MY life in which she knows NOTHING about. I don't think so batman. I am not too sure if she thought she was ratting on me orrrr?? Newsflash of the century, CODY ALREADY KNOWS HOW I FEEL! Cody wasn't upset about what I wrote...necessarily.....he was just upset that I was disclosing such personal stuff to whomever. Which is understandable. So as my blood was boiling I obviously text her furious words...course didn't get a response but then again I didn't really expect one. All I gotta say is, who the hell does that? What did I ever do to her? Cuz I deleted her off facebook? Woo freaking hoo who cares you didn't think our friendship meant anything anyways if you couldn't even talk to me about something that was bothering you enough to freaking end it. So anyways, I changed the url because I'd prefer WANDA stay out of my stinking business. Thats all.

On to "Anonymous" lady commenting on my shit. I just don't even know what to say about this. For one, when she first responded she stated that she was from states away, doesn't know me, and is a 54 year old Christian who was hoping I would allow her to give some perspective on some things I wrote. Okay....1. Hoping I would allow? When did I get the opportunity to say yes or no? I think she kind of just assumed I wanted to hear what she had to say. 2. 54 year old Christian? What does her being a Christian have anything to do with anything? This is one thing that really frustrates me about SOME religious people. It's almost like it's a label. Well, if I state that I am a christian I basically am labeling myself as a good person..which HELLO is NOT always the case. Her religious status in life has no relevance to absolutely anything. It basically would be like me saying, "Hi, I'm 24, drive a red car, and I'm going to negatively criticize absolutely everything you fucking said in your last post" At least I can say that I am understanding of the fact that not everyone lives their life in the same manner and I understand that everyone has their own opinion. What was frustrating to me about what she said was that she basically made me feel like I'm some kind of terrible person, terrible mother, and I need to get my shit together. I would have to say that I certainly do have my shit together, I am far from a terrible person, and I am far from a terrible mother. I just couldn't believe half of the shit she was saying. Let me give an example. So, she was saying that "selfish is taking the kids away from their father, they should have a 24hr relationship with their father always and forever" This is the most absurd thing I have ever read in my life. One, with how Cody and my schedules are, he would actually have the kids MORE then I would...and she just assumes the opposite. So its automatically me being selfish because I'm taking them away from their father, when they would be spending more time with him then they would with me. SUCK A DICK LADY. 2nd off, Who the h has a 24hr relationship with their father always and forever? Unless you are stuck up your Dad's asshole, I just don't forsee that ever happening?? For anyone???? How can anyone honestly say that their own happiness doesn't matter just because you have kids? I, oh man, I just don't even know what more I can say. I would have to say that I was frustrated that she made me feel I had to explain myself to her..when I don't have to explain myself to anyone on planet earth, let alone a human I don't even know and doesn't even know me. I responded to her anyways, just because everything she said I basically disagreed with. I must say I handled myself well, didn't say fuck you one single time, and also was very adult about it. I really thought she would have some balls to respond to my response...but I guess she has balls. After I read her response I just said oh what the fuck ever lady c ya. Does she honestly think that her "perspective on things I wrote" would magically change how I feel and the world would be a better place because a family was kept together?? Newsflash of the century...I'm a very strong willed person, and hardly anyone would have an effect on my views on things...let alone someone who I don't even know...who decides to absolutely tear apart everything I wrote like she's some sort of bad ass that is so much better then me. What if she is reading this? LOL. Whatever. I'm over it. I think I'm done now.

P.S. Axton counted to 5 today!!!!!!!! Also he knows about 50% of the alphabet! The kid hardly talks AT ALL..but he knows his numbers and his letters!

Just shoot me!

Can you believe it? I'm actually blogging!!!! Well today I started working my 12hr shifts. I only work 3 days a week now (all 12hr shifts) but I get paid for 40 hours. Before I was only working about 56 hours a paycheck depending..(sometimes I picked up shifts)..but now I'll have 80 hours. My hours are 2pm-230am. BARF CITY. In all reality though, I get to see my kids the same amount of time because they don't even realize that I'm staying at work an extra 4 hours each time I work. Also, since my Mom got a new job and can't watch the kids anymore, it will save money for daycare. Dang I just have so much to catch up on. That is why I haven't written in forever, because I don't even know where to stinking start. Now that I am working NOC shift and don't do anything but pick my asshole, I should have plenty of time to keep up. Even though I'm not supposed to be using this computer for anything but charting. I'm on the unit by myself..with all the residents..who is going to tell on me? You sure as hell better not. I gotta do something to keep me awake for fucks sake! I think it would probably be in my best interest to take the bullet approach, no doubt. All pretty random, some more meaningful then others.





*How crazy is this shit..there is a resident here that hasn't talked or made absolutely any sounds in over a year. The other day she just started jabbering on like there is no tomorrow. Currently, everyone is sleeping..except her..she is literally singing opera style in her room. I honestly can't believe what I'm hearing.


*I moved. Again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I move waaaaay too much. It's kind of a problem. I just love new surroundings and having a new backdrop to life...I could have worse problems I think. Our lease was up mid-feb and I just really needed to figure out what I was doing. Oh man I've been so lost in life lately yet so clear minded about it at the same time. I know that doesn't make any sense but that is honestly how I feel. Things with Cody and I are so weird. I'm not even sure I want to get into it right now, although I probably should. I guess what it comes down to is that him and I are sooooo different. He would be completely fine doing the same things every single day living in the same place always, working the same job always etc etc. I just can't do that. I promised myself a long time ago that no matter what point in my life I am, I will never let myself stop growing as a person. I feel like the person you are with should make you want to be a better person, always. Should encourage you to experience new things, go different places, express diffferent ideas to different subject matters. It's been really hard because I love Cody so much, and he is such a great person, father, and significant other. But I want to be with someone who wants to grow WITH me. It is really hard to get this all into writing with out sounding like I'm saying Cody isn't good enough for me. It really isn't that..he is so great, really. We get along great, we mesh really well together..we just don't have the same goals and aspirations in life. All the things I want to accomplish in my life, I have a hard time picturing him by my side while doing so. I don't know why. It just makes me feel like I could make things work for now..but long term it just wouldn't work out. I am such a free spirit and I need to be intellectually challenged, and I periodically need change..it is just how I am. Whether its a hair color, a new place of living (seems to be my favorite these days) or whatever. I just want to do what is most fair for myself and for him. So, I got my own place :( :( I am not really too sure what this means for Cody and I??? All I know is that the space is much needed for the both of us for many reasons. I have been in a relationship since I was like freaking 14. I've always based majority of my happiness on the person I'm with and I just don't want it to be like that anymore. I want to have my own life too. I want to feel established and secure with my own life before bringing someone else into it. I have a huge committment towards my kids and I just am not sure I want anything else besides that right now. And same with Cody..I know he depends on me for sooooooo much and it just really isn't healthy at all. Being in a relationship is great, and being a strong couple is great if that is how it is..but you should still be individuals too. Also, it always seems like everything is some kind of competition between Cody and I. Who works harder, who takes care of the kids more, who is more tired, etc. etc. It really helped a lot when I went back to work and Cody had to take care of the kids on his own. I understood his perspective on being a working parent..and he understood my perspective on taking care of 2 kids all day while maintaining a household is not easy peezy lemon squeezy like he always insinuated it as. I just don't stinkin know. I LOVE Cody but I'm not IN LOVE with him. There is absolutely no passion in our relationship..it seriously feels like he's my best friend and that is the extent of it. I want to have that deep connection with the person I am with. There are way too many mediocre things in life, and love should certainly not be one of them. I mean all this was months in the making..Cody and I have been talking about all of this since shortly after Zaidyn was born. It took awhile for Cody to understand any of it..but now he finally does. Like I explained before, I am more myself now then I ever was in the past 2 and a half years. It is almost like Cody had to get to know a completely different person. Now that he is getting to know the "real" me..he realizes that the last 2 years I wasn't myself what so ever. When I first started talking to him about all of this, he really made me feel like I was being extremely selfish. Which I do feel that way sometimes. But in a situation like this, that is OKAY. I have to be selfish when it comes to MY life and MY feelings. Sure we have kids together, but that doesn't mean that I have to settle with the feeling of "settling." I read in a book once that the best gift you could ever give your child (besides breastfeeding lol) is to have a wonderful example of a loving relationship for them to observe and learn from. Sure, Cody and I have a good relationship...but not a loving one? We just recently started being very communicative with one another and that is after 2 years! My mind is just so scattered about all of this. On one hand I really want to keep my family together and make things work. I know I could make things work..but in the long run am I going to feel fulfilled and satisfied in the realtionship? Obviously not if I already don't! I would like to think that things are going to change once the kids get a little older and aren't so dependent on us and we could spend more time focusing on our relationship...but on the other hand even though we are super busy in life right now, with the kids etc..the time we do spend together should be alot more "electric" then it is that is for sure! I also started on birth control for the first time in 3 years and I think it is making me a raging bitch. No joke. I mean maybe its just because of everything going on right now but for real dude. I swear everything that comes out of my mouth to him is snotty as hell. Then 2 minutes later I'm apologizing and being all nice. It's like I'm fucking bi-polar! I don't know how he puts up with me for real. I told Cody probably 2-ish months ago that I was moving out..and him being a guy and all...didn't start looking for a place for himself until A WEEK BEFORE OUR LEASE WAS UP. Obviously he didn't find a place, DUH. So he has been staying with me..which at first I was really irritated about. 1. I moved out for a reason! 2. I had to come up w/ money for first months rent and a security deposit which was not easy at all..all while doing this 12hr shift business so I can make enough money to pay all the bills etc and make it financially on my own..while he is living with me not paying a penny and just lolly gagging about finding a place of his own. It's like just because finding him a place to live wasn't something that I could do FOR him..he just didn't do it. ANOTHER GOOD REASON WHY WE DEFINITELY NEED OUR SPACE! Newsflash of the century pal, I ain't your mom! I do not need to do everything for you! I just don't freaking even know what to say about the situation anymore. Like I've heard before "if you have something good, don't be stupid enough to let it go". Ugh. Cody is such a great guy...but there are just very important aspects to our relationship that are missing that I just can not be okay with missing!!!!!!!!! I truly feel this will be a make it or break it kind of decision on my part. It just kind of got to a point though where I realized that if SOMETHING wasn't done to either give us space or have time alone..it certainly wasn't going to get better..we were only going to become more resentful and things were only going to get worse. I could sit and question shit every day, or we could take some time apart and see what happens. At least now I'm not fucking questioning shit everyday. I'll try to keep up to date on this whole sitaution but honestly..its just so stressful and hard trying to figure out what is best.





*This blog is so lengthly that I refuse to go back and read it and check for spelling errors etc. I am the biggest spell freak of planet USA but tonight I just don't think I feel like doing it. You will forgive me for the mistakes won't you?

*So at midnight is when you do your first rounds. Well this is my first time at this NOC business. I was thinking midnight rounds would take up a good 30 minutes of my night to keep me busy and awake. Joke is on me. It took me 10 stinking minutes. FUUUUUCK. I have 2 hours left how in the h? I won't get home until 3am then I gotta get up w/ the kids and back to work for another 12 hour shift at 2. AND SAME FOR MONDAY TOO!!! I will survive this I will survive this I will survive this.

*Right now I am obsessed with The Bachelor. I hardly watch any tv and I really do mean that. But once and awhile I will start watching The Bachelor or Bachelorette and I am hooked from the start. I really really like this season of the Bachelor mainly because Ben is just such a geniune good person. One of the last 2 finalists, Courtney, is seriously stupid x 1000. If he picks her I will seriously keel over and die. But I just have this feeling he will just because that is always what happens. But for realzy he just really needs to not choose her.

*I am soooo bored that I think I will be kind enough to do all the charting for the girl that comes in at 2. The usual 12hr shift is 6am-6pm and then 6pm to 6am. It just so happenes that me and this other lady really liked the 2-230 idea..it worked best for both of us..which is completely awesome because I get to still have my mornings with my kids. The lady who does the schedules here is a complete moron (no really she is I'm not just being mean). She absolutely did not want to let us do the 2-230 business because it would make scheduling "complicated". Now how the hell is is that complicated. She is working 12 hrs and I am working the other 12 hours. It still makes up the 24 hours regardless sooo??? At first she had me scheduled 4, 12 hour shifts in a row and I told her that she was on fucking crack if she thought that was even humanly possible to do on little sleep. The administrator told her to change it so now it ends up being 3 days in a row instead of 4..which is better but still sucks anus.

Alright, well..I'm so tired that my brain really can't think of much else to say which is just odd because I never have nothing to say. I am not sure where I will be working tomorrow evening during the NOC shift so depending on that I will try to blog again. If I work anywhere besides the unit, I have no access to a computer that I can illegally use with out anybody knowing about it. I think I am going to get a sketchbook and start drawing or hit up the library to check out a book to read or something!

A little somethin somethin

I thought that maybe if I changed the background of the blog thingy, I might be apt to writing more. I guess we'll see if that is accurate or not.