Backtrack

Alright so I just got to admit some stuff. Last night after I posted the post being harshy mc harsherson about 54 year old Christian lady..I felt a little bad to be quite frank. I know I said I disagreed with her on most of it...but I just needed to clarify some stuff. Her first response..I disagreed with most of it. Her second response..I didn't disagree with mainly any of it. Yeah of course it would be "ideal" for every child to get those things, memories etc..but just because they wouldn't doesn't mean they are going to have the shittiest childhood ever. That is what was mainly the frustration to me. Her acting like the only way the kids would ever have a chance at a good childhood is if the parents were still together. Also, she said the only good reason for a couple to split is if the father is abusive..otherwise there is no other way it would be better off for them to be apart. What about if the kids are constantly observing fighting, arguing...lack of teamwork? Or if the Dad is never around anyways and the Mother is doing everything by herself anyways? Just because two people would stay together does not mean that it would be all fireworks and doughnuts. There are issues in relationships that sometimes are NOT okay for children to be around and observe. (I am not particularly meaning Cody and I because we keep our issues away from the kids to avoid such things, I am just saying in general.) I remember having this dilemma in my brain when I took a psychology class my freshman year in college. We were discussing family dynamics and how much divorce can effect children. I am not going to sit here and say that divorce doesn't effect children at all....because obviously it does...but believe it or not it can effect children in a positive manner sometimes too. Yes they have two households, and yes they have to go back and forth. But they can have two loving households, two households with a parent in each that does anything and everything for them to ensure they have a happy childhood filled with great memories. I think it really has all to do with the parents intentions on how they want to raise their children, how they want to handle the split, and not so much concentrating on specifically if the parents are together or not. As a parent I think it is important to set goals for how you want to raise your children and never space away from those in any given situation. I mean I have to admit that I can't honestly say she didn't have any effect on me on what she wrote..although I really do hate admitting that. I do now realize that I CAN try a bit harder. I can see where she would say that I am making a drastic move too soon, but in my head I guess I was just trying to protect Cody. If I didn't think it was going to work out long term why would I let him keep holding on to something that inevitably wasn't going to work out? Why put him through watching me struggle each day staying in the relationship? It just didn't seem fair to me. I don't know what the heck is going on my mind is all scattered. Danget 54 year old Christian lady..did to me exactly what she wanted to!!

Oh for PITS SACK!

Good god some people!! Alright so, I apologize for having to change my URL AGAIN! It wasn't because of dipwod of the nation commenting on my last post. (I will get to that in a sec). It was because someone...(I don't really want to say names but then again I don't give a rip rally roodles but I will be nice) lets call her....Wanda. lol Wanda. Gol out of all names I choose Wanda. Regardless, Wanda and I used to be friends...Wanda currently dates Cody's cousin. (not trying to give any hints away or anything here). Well anyhow, we used to be friends. We stopped being friends because her best friend moved back up here from Texas (again not trying to give hints or anything) and I basically fell of planet earth to her. I knew it was going to happen, that once she moved back up here that Wanda basically would go back to spending all her extra time with her best friend. I was fine with that even though it kind of felt she was using me to hang out with someone while her best friend was not around. Regardless..we just kinda lost touch but I didn't really think anything of it..it just was what it was. MONTHS later after not talking at all, I find out that the reason she stopped talking to me was because I stated all my friends live in Milwaukee. Okay? Are we in 2nd grade here? For one, I don't believe I would ever say that. I might have mentioned the fact that majority of my friends live in Milwaukee when I was saying that I kind of wanted to move back there..but I would never say ALL OF MY FRIENDS LIVE IN MILWAUKEE AND NONE OTHER THEN MILWAUKEE. Obviously because that is just not true. Regardless, I found the reasoning out through Cody who found out through his cousin who dates WANDA. This kind of really pissed me off. For one, you say I said this..but don't care enough about our friendship to talk to me about it, instead you just cut me out of your life??? Pretty sure communication is key to anything in life and this was huge MISCOMMUNICATION. If she would have just talked to me about it, things would have been just fine. So, best friend from Texas moves home, I get pushed to the curb, then completely ignored for months because of a comment I supposedly made...and once again I am the bad guy. Whatever, I never said anything to her about it because I try to avoid drama at all costs and if she couldn't even come to talk to me about it then I guess our friendship wasn't that important anyways, right? Eventually I deleted her and her best friend off of facebook along with Cody's cousin just because I know she has the password to that. I didn't want her knowing about anything in my life because why should she? So yesterday when I was at work I get a call from Cody and he is upset. Well WANDA was at work..and Cody's brother happened to be there as well. WANDA decided she would tell Cody's brother all the stuff I was writing in my blog about the Cody and my situation going on. Also, telling him that he needs to convince his brother to leave me. LET ME MAKE SOME COMMENTS HERE...if you don't want to be apart of my life WANDA, why the FUCK are you reading about it? She obviously still had the url to my blog..and kept tabs on me that way. Then had the balls to talk to Cody's brother about MY life in which she knows NOTHING about. I don't think so batman. I am not too sure if she thought she was ratting on me orrrr?? Newsflash of the century, CODY ALREADY KNOWS HOW I FEEL! Cody wasn't upset about what I wrote...necessarily.....he was just upset that I was disclosing such personal stuff to whomever. Which is understandable. So as my blood was boiling I obviously text her furious words...course didn't get a response but then again I didn't really expect one. All I gotta say is, who the hell does that? What did I ever do to her? Cuz I deleted her off facebook? Woo freaking hoo who cares you didn't think our friendship meant anything anyways if you couldn't even talk to me about something that was bothering you enough to freaking end it. So anyways, I changed the url because I'd prefer WANDA stay out of my stinking business. Thats all.

On to "Anonymous" lady commenting on my shit. I just don't even know what to say about this. For one, when she first responded she stated that she was from states away, doesn't know me, and is a 54 year old Christian who was hoping I would allow her to give some perspective on some things I wrote. Okay....1. Hoping I would allow? When did I get the opportunity to say yes or no? I think she kind of just assumed I wanted to hear what she had to say. 2. 54 year old Christian? What does her being a Christian have anything to do with anything? This is one thing that really frustrates me about SOME religious people. It's almost like it's a label. Well, if I state that I am a christian I basically am labeling myself as a good person..which HELLO is NOT always the case. Her religious status in life has no relevance to absolutely anything. It basically would be like me saying, "Hi, I'm 24, drive a red car, and I'm going to negatively criticize absolutely everything you fucking said in your last post" At least I can say that I am understanding of the fact that not everyone lives their life in the same manner and I understand that everyone has their own opinion. What was frustrating to me about what she said was that she basically made me feel like I'm some kind of terrible person, terrible mother, and I need to get my shit together. I would have to say that I certainly do have my shit together, I am far from a terrible person, and I am far from a terrible mother. I just couldn't believe half of the shit she was saying. Let me give an example. So, she was saying that "selfish is taking the kids away from their father, they should have a 24hr relationship with their father always and forever" This is the most absurd thing I have ever read in my life. One, with how Cody and my schedules are, he would actually have the kids MORE then I would...and she just assumes the opposite. So its automatically me being selfish because I'm taking them away from their father, when they would be spending more time with him then they would with me. SUCK A DICK LADY. 2nd off, Who the h has a 24hr relationship with their father always and forever? Unless you are stuck up your Dad's asshole, I just don't forsee that ever happening?? For anyone???? How can anyone honestly say that their own happiness doesn't matter just because you have kids? I, oh man, I just don't even know what more I can say. I would have to say that I was frustrated that she made me feel I had to explain myself to her..when I don't have to explain myself to anyone on planet earth, let alone a human I don't even know and doesn't even know me. I responded to her anyways, just because everything she said I basically disagreed with. I must say I handled myself well, didn't say fuck you one single time, and also was very adult about it. I really thought she would have some balls to respond to my response...but I guess she has balls. After I read her response I just said oh what the fuck ever lady c ya. Does she honestly think that her "perspective on things I wrote" would magically change how I feel and the world would be a better place because a family was kept together?? Newsflash of the century...I'm a very strong willed person, and hardly anyone would have an effect on my views on things...let alone someone who I don't even know...who decides to absolutely tear apart everything I wrote like she's some sort of bad ass that is so much better then me. What if she is reading this? LOL. Whatever. I'm over it. I think I'm done now.

P.S. Axton counted to 5 today!!!!!!!! Also he knows about 50% of the alphabet! The kid hardly talks AT ALL..but he knows his numbers and his letters!

Just shoot me!

Can you believe it? I'm actually blogging!!!! Well today I started working my 12hr shifts. I only work 3 days a week now (all 12hr shifts) but I get paid for 40 hours. Before I was only working about 56 hours a paycheck depending..(sometimes I picked up shifts)..but now I'll have 80 hours. My hours are 2pm-230am. BARF CITY. In all reality though, I get to see my kids the same amount of time because they don't even realize that I'm staying at work an extra 4 hours each time I work. Also, since my Mom got a new job and can't watch the kids anymore, it will save money for daycare. Dang I just have so much to catch up on. That is why I haven't written in forever, because I don't even know where to stinking start. Now that I am working NOC shift and don't do anything but pick my asshole, I should have plenty of time to keep up. Even though I'm not supposed to be using this computer for anything but charting. I'm on the unit by myself..with all the residents..who is going to tell on me? You sure as hell better not. I gotta do something to keep me awake for fucks sake! I think it would probably be in my best interest to take the bullet approach, no doubt. All pretty random, some more meaningful then others.





*How crazy is this shit..there is a resident here that hasn't talked or made absolutely any sounds in over a year. The other day she just started jabbering on like there is no tomorrow. Currently, everyone is sleeping..except her..she is literally singing opera style in her room. I honestly can't believe what I'm hearing.


*I moved. Again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I move waaaaay too much. It's kind of a problem. I just love new surroundings and having a new backdrop to life...I could have worse problems I think. Our lease was up mid-feb and I just really needed to figure out what I was doing. Oh man I've been so lost in life lately yet so clear minded about it at the same time. I know that doesn't make any sense but that is honestly how I feel. Things with Cody and I are so weird. I'm not even sure I want to get into it right now, although I probably should. I guess what it comes down to is that him and I are sooooo different. He would be completely fine doing the same things every single day living in the same place always, working the same job always etc etc. I just can't do that. I promised myself a long time ago that no matter what point in my life I am, I will never let myself stop growing as a person. I feel like the person you are with should make you want to be a better person, always. Should encourage you to experience new things, go different places, express diffferent ideas to different subject matters. It's been really hard because I love Cody so much, and he is such a great person, father, and significant other. But I want to be with someone who wants to grow WITH me. It is really hard to get this all into writing with out sounding like I'm saying Cody isn't good enough for me. It really isn't that..he is so great, really. We get along great, we mesh really well together..we just don't have the same goals and aspirations in life. All the things I want to accomplish in my life, I have a hard time picturing him by my side while doing so. I don't know why. It just makes me feel like I could make things work for now..but long term it just wouldn't work out. I am such a free spirit and I need to be intellectually challenged, and I periodically need change..it is just how I am. Whether its a hair color, a new place of living (seems to be my favorite these days) or whatever. I just want to do what is most fair for myself and for him. So, I got my own place :( :( I am not really too sure what this means for Cody and I??? All I know is that the space is much needed for the both of us for many reasons. I have been in a relationship since I was like freaking 14. I've always based majority of my happiness on the person I'm with and I just don't want it to be like that anymore. I want to have my own life too. I want to feel established and secure with my own life before bringing someone else into it. I have a huge committment towards my kids and I just am not sure I want anything else besides that right now. And same with Cody..I know he depends on me for sooooooo much and it just really isn't healthy at all. Being in a relationship is great, and being a strong couple is great if that is how it is..but you should still be individuals too. Also, it always seems like everything is some kind of competition between Cody and I. Who works harder, who takes care of the kids more, who is more tired, etc. etc. It really helped a lot when I went back to work and Cody had to take care of the kids on his own. I understood his perspective on being a working parent..and he understood my perspective on taking care of 2 kids all day while maintaining a household is not easy peezy lemon squeezy like he always insinuated it as. I just don't stinkin know. I LOVE Cody but I'm not IN LOVE with him. There is absolutely no passion in our relationship..it seriously feels like he's my best friend and that is the extent of it. I want to have that deep connection with the person I am with. There are way too many mediocre things in life, and love should certainly not be one of them. I mean all this was months in the making..Cody and I have been talking about all of this since shortly after Zaidyn was born. It took awhile for Cody to understand any of it..but now he finally does. Like I explained before, I am more myself now then I ever was in the past 2 and a half years. It is almost like Cody had to get to know a completely different person. Now that he is getting to know the "real" me..he realizes that the last 2 years I wasn't myself what so ever. When I first started talking to him about all of this, he really made me feel like I was being extremely selfish. Which I do feel that way sometimes. But in a situation like this, that is OKAY. I have to be selfish when it comes to MY life and MY feelings. Sure we have kids together, but that doesn't mean that I have to settle with the feeling of "settling." I read in a book once that the best gift you could ever give your child (besides breastfeeding lol) is to have a wonderful example of a loving relationship for them to observe and learn from. Sure, Cody and I have a good relationship...but not a loving one? We just recently started being very communicative with one another and that is after 2 years! My mind is just so scattered about all of this. On one hand I really want to keep my family together and make things work. I know I could make things work..but in the long run am I going to feel fulfilled and satisfied in the realtionship? Obviously not if I already don't! I would like to think that things are going to change once the kids get a little older and aren't so dependent on us and we could spend more time focusing on our relationship...but on the other hand even though we are super busy in life right now, with the kids etc..the time we do spend together should be alot more "electric" then it is that is for sure! I also started on birth control for the first time in 3 years and I think it is making me a raging bitch. No joke. I mean maybe its just because of everything going on right now but for real dude. I swear everything that comes out of my mouth to him is snotty as hell. Then 2 minutes later I'm apologizing and being all nice. It's like I'm fucking bi-polar! I don't know how he puts up with me for real. I told Cody probably 2-ish months ago that I was moving out..and him being a guy and all...didn't start looking for a place for himself until A WEEK BEFORE OUR LEASE WAS UP. Obviously he didn't find a place, DUH. So he has been staying with me..which at first I was really irritated about. 1. I moved out for a reason! 2. I had to come up w/ money for first months rent and a security deposit which was not easy at all..all while doing this 12hr shift business so I can make enough money to pay all the bills etc and make it financially on my own..while he is living with me not paying a penny and just lolly gagging about finding a place of his own. It's like just because finding him a place to live wasn't something that I could do FOR him..he just didn't do it. ANOTHER GOOD REASON WHY WE DEFINITELY NEED OUR SPACE! Newsflash of the century pal, I ain't your mom! I do not need to do everything for you! I just don't freaking even know what to say about the situation anymore. Like I've heard before "if you have something good, don't be stupid enough to let it go". Ugh. Cody is such a great guy...but there are just very important aspects to our relationship that are missing that I just can not be okay with missing!!!!!!!!! I truly feel this will be a make it or break it kind of decision on my part. It just kind of got to a point though where I realized that if SOMETHING wasn't done to either give us space or have time alone..it certainly wasn't going to get better..we were only going to become more resentful and things were only going to get worse. I could sit and question shit every day, or we could take some time apart and see what happens. At least now I'm not fucking questioning shit everyday. I'll try to keep up to date on this whole sitaution but honestly..its just so stressful and hard trying to figure out what is best.





*This blog is so lengthly that I refuse to go back and read it and check for spelling errors etc. I am the biggest spell freak of planet USA but tonight I just don't think I feel like doing it. You will forgive me for the mistakes won't you?

*So at midnight is when you do your first rounds. Well this is my first time at this NOC business. I was thinking midnight rounds would take up a good 30 minutes of my night to keep me busy and awake. Joke is on me. It took me 10 stinking minutes. FUUUUUCK. I have 2 hours left how in the h? I won't get home until 3am then I gotta get up w/ the kids and back to work for another 12 hour shift at 2. AND SAME FOR MONDAY TOO!!! I will survive this I will survive this I will survive this.

*Right now I am obsessed with The Bachelor. I hardly watch any tv and I really do mean that. But once and awhile I will start watching The Bachelor or Bachelorette and I am hooked from the start. I really really like this season of the Bachelor mainly because Ben is just such a geniune good person. One of the last 2 finalists, Courtney, is seriously stupid x 1000. If he picks her I will seriously keel over and die. But I just have this feeling he will just because that is always what happens. But for realzy he just really needs to not choose her.

*I am soooo bored that I think I will be kind enough to do all the charting for the girl that comes in at 2. The usual 12hr shift is 6am-6pm and then 6pm to 6am. It just so happenes that me and this other lady really liked the 2-230 idea..it worked best for both of us..which is completely awesome because I get to still have my mornings with my kids. The lady who does the schedules here is a complete moron (no really she is I'm not just being mean). She absolutely did not want to let us do the 2-230 business because it would make scheduling "complicated". Now how the hell is is that complicated. She is working 12 hrs and I am working the other 12 hours. It still makes up the 24 hours regardless sooo??? At first she had me scheduled 4, 12 hour shifts in a row and I told her that she was on fucking crack if she thought that was even humanly possible to do on little sleep. The administrator told her to change it so now it ends up being 3 days in a row instead of 4..which is better but still sucks anus.

Alright, well..I'm so tired that my brain really can't think of much else to say which is just odd because I never have nothing to say. I am not sure where I will be working tomorrow evening during the NOC shift so depending on that I will try to blog again. If I work anywhere besides the unit, I have no access to a computer that I can illegally use with out anybody knowing about it. I think I am going to get a sketchbook and start drawing or hit up the library to check out a book to read or something!

A little somethin somethin

I thought that maybe if I changed the background of the blog thingy, I might be apt to writing more. I guess we'll see if that is accurate or not.

Good Grief!

Alright so obviously, I'll just get it out there, I am aware I haven't written in years. My bad. My computer took a poop on me so I was outta service for awhile. Funny because literally right after I get internet on my phone, my computer crashed. Not joking. Regardless, I have it back now so I am going to do my best to cover all topics in which I have been meaning to, but unable. I'm going to take the bullet approach as far as randomness..but I will refrain from the bullets. Time for change.

So why the heck is Culvers so delicious? I was thinking about that the other day when my mouth was watering for a juicy, delicious, absolutely fabuloso cheeseburger from there. It is on the South side of town so not really a quick hop skip and a jump trip there, unlike all the other fast food places. When we hit up Culvers, you know its a good day. Alright, I'll write Culvers a letter:

Culvers,

I love your burgers. With Cheese. Ketchup, Mustard, Onions. You could lower your prices a bit though.

Love,

Caitlin

So Christmas was alright...I had to work all stinkin weekend so it didn't even feel like Christmas at all. Well sorta, but not really. I really loved watching Axton open all his presents this year. Last year he was still real little so we wrapped everything in a bag with tissue paper cuz that is pretty much all he could do. So having to wrap all his presents (which I suck at mind you) was exhausting? I mean I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that before...that wrapping presents is exhausting...but to me, IT IS. It's never freaking ending. I had to keep reminding myself that it would be worth it watching him open them. But really I am not good at wrapping presents. I think next year I'm going to put a real effort into making the presents look good. Accessories and all.

For Christmas I got a gift certificate to a hair salon..so I think now I'm finally gonna do something different. I have been dying my hair the same color for like 7 years! Pretty much the same hairstyle with slight variations here and there. Time for a change ya hear? I think I want to do somethin crazy, like vibrant bright red. I bet the old people will like that, lol.

This year the holidays have felt non-existent. I had to freaking work every single one of them! Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve, and New Years Day! What in the? Hopefully next year, I will actually get to enjoy the holidays unlike this year. The double pay was nice I suppose, but maybe not worth missing my favorite time of year.

Alright so here are some songs in my life right now: (Just trying to keep it a semi-usual thing to document):

Read My Mind - The Killers

We All Lose One Another - Jason Collett

Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls

My Only Swerving - El Ten Eleven

Mississippi-Train

Reasons to Love You - Meiko

Whatever It Is - Ben Lee

Kids- MGMT

So today is Axton's birthday..his 2nd birthday. How crazy is that business?? Two years ago today, this little boy got brought into my life and brought such a new light in my life. I admit, he tests my patience daily...but I wouldn't have it any other way :)

On to more....serious matters. Life lately has been so crazy. I have been struggling to write for multiple reasons. One being that I seriously have so much in my brain right now that even beginning to get everything down in writing seems like an impossible task. Also, I feel like everything going on in my life right now is rather personal? So I feel a tad vulnerable putting myself out there and laying my feelings out on the line. But I figure, what have I really got to lose? When Zaidyn was 6-8 weeks old...(I think around there) is when I finally started feeling like myself again..and I actually made myself a priority in my life..unlike before when I wasn't even on the priority list itself. Making time for myself has made such a difference in my life. Putting focus on myself from time to time has really changed my outlook on life as of recent. I feel like I've learned so much about myself in the last couple months then ever before. And maybe that isn't the best way of describing it. I wouldn't consider it "learning" about myself..I would more or less describe it as me facing the facts and being completely real with myself about how I am with certain things, how I want to live my life, goals I want accomplished, where I see myself, the kind of relationship I essentially want to be in...those kinds of things. Right now I am most definitely at a very serious crossroad in my life. I'm just taking in all of my surroundings and deciding what is best for me, the kids, and my family. I just want to be fair..with myself, with Cody, and my kids. I wish I could divulge a bit more...but time is not allowing me to do such things right this moment. I really will try to write again real soon.

Tattoo talk

Well, this weekend I finally got to get some ink :) It has been 3ish years since the last time I got a tattoo!!!!!!!! I have soooo many that I want to get and having that long of time go by with out any was just saddening. I was pregnant tho so there really wasn't anything I could do about it. Regardless, I finally got my gem/Jewell tattoo. Here is a pic:

I love it!!! I had drawn up a different gem, but my mind has been so flustered with trying to figure out what exactly I wanted! I have so many tatts that I know I want, but out of all of them I knew my "Jewell" tatt would be the most meaningful to me. It obviously represents family, but even more so its a permanent reminder to always stay true to myself. Which really hits home for me lately because I just really am struggling with keeping "myself" in mind when it comes to decisions that I have to make/am in the process of making. I originally planned to get it where I ended up getting it, my forearm..but I really was thinking that I wanted my gem to be in my chest piece. I have been throwing around ideas in my head for years now for my chest piece. Its the prime realty. Wabam, right there for everyone to see. So no doubt that I want it to be my most meaningful piece of work. So I believe that the gem I originally was going to get will be included in my chest piece as well as something representing my kiddos. My brother and I threw around a couple of ideas so he is going to work on drawing something up. He will be doing my whole right arm. I don't really know what ALL I want, but I do know that I will be getting a tattoo for Axton and at tattoo for Zaidyn. I know with Zaidyn I want to get some traditional flowers on the top of my forearm and I am not exactly sure yet for Axton. My brother also touched up the arm tattoo that he did with flowers and vines, adding some shading as well as green in the leaves. I am so apprehensive for color. I just don't think I really am a fan of colored tattoos so I just constantly go back and forth and back and forth thinking about if I should add color to the flowers or not. Some other tattoos that I am getting someday is a pin up girl on my leg, old school style, but with her holding a boom box. My friend, Web, from college drew me up a pin up girl holding a boom box, and I just love it. Always have wanted a pin up girl, and holding a boom box is just such a perfect way to show my love for music. Although I also want to get a different tattoo symbolizing my love for music. Anyways, I have much more I could say about what tattoos I am getting someday but I have to go to work. I work today tomorrow then 3 days off!!! What will I do with all my time off??? Oh yeah, clean and put up Christmas decorations and of course the Christmas tree!!!

Groovy Gertrude

So its official, I'm back to sucking at blogging. In my defense I'm SUPER busy lately with work and what not so forth. If it means anything, I think of something I should blog about at least every day. If only I could blog via cell phone while breastfeeding or on break at work?? So, as usual I might as well warn you now that this will be rather hefty for there are plenty of topics I will talk about, and plenty I will probably just refrain since they are pretty irrelevant.

Firstly, and most importantly, my friend Emily came to visit me for the weekend. I can't really express how much this was needed!!! I had Friday and Saturday off of work and she got here Friday afternoon. We didn't really do much, which is exactly what I prefer. We got to hang out, catch up on life, and obviously have a grand time with all the kids! She has a baby named Ray who is a monthish younger then Zaidyn. (Which is exactly why we refer to them as boyfriend and girlfriend!) It will be a lot of fun when they get a little older and can actually play with each other! She was going to leave Saturday afternoon and then we both simultaneously decided while I was taking a poop and we were texting each other that it wasn't going to happen. Yes we were texting each other while I was pooping, and yes I did just tell you that. Anyways, so we decided we would bring the kids to Mall of America to walk around and people observe and not buy anything. Anyhoots, right after we get the diaper bags packed etc..(which obviously takes a bit) it started snowing!!!!! So then we looked up info on the weather and decided we probably shouldn't. So then instead we went to Wal-Mart approximately 2 minutes from where I live and got the scraper brush things for snow. Pretty close to the same adventure, right? Anyways, so we decided to get a bit crafty Saturday night. I only have pics of what I made but she made some really cute stuff too!

I realize those pics are are extremely messed up but I don't really know what I did?? Nor am I going to try to fix it. You get the jist. I'm going to make a bunch more headbands and pins in different colors and such. I'm not really a crafty person by any means, but all Zaidyn's headbands are too small and I wanted something for my hair too.

I also just need to let everyone know that Dino Donald is no longer with us. He had lost an arm this past summer, and on the 19th of November at approximately 6:27pm, he lost his leg as well and can no longer survive.

Axton is taking things pretty good...it actually doesn't seem to phase him. To Axton, he now has 3 toys to play with instead of 1. He sometimes carries the arm around...he sometimes carries the dino with missing appendages around..and sometimes he carries around the leg. You can bet your butt though that regardless which of the 3 he is carrying around..he roars the whole time he's playing with it.

Here are some other pictures of my weekend with Emily. P.S. so dumb because her and I didn't even get a picture together. What the h!

Baby Ray and Baby Zaidyn

Baby Ray in the Jumparoo

I was seriously a mopey Mildred when Emily left Sunday morning. Honestly, I just miss living in Milwaukee so much and being able to see my friends. When I originally found out I was pregnant with Axton, I moved home because it was necessary for survival. I needed my family for support since it was a really hard time in my life with a lot of changes. As of lately, it just feels like I'm here for no reason. I don't even hang out with anyone ever. I see my Mom only for short periods of time when she watches the kids before I go to work, I never see my sister, I never see my Dad or step Mom unless they are watching the kids on the weekend when I work..I hardly ever see my friends here...ever...I never see my brother, never see my grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. Soooo why am I here again? Just wondering. I don't feel close to anyone here anymore. Hell, I don't even feel close to Cody anymore. And I'm not saying its anyone's fault..life is busy and that is just how it is. But if that is the case, I can live not in bumfuck Egypt. I guess upon moving home I never intended on it being a permanent thing, and that's kind of how it feels right now. I mean..if someone would ask where I see myself in 5 years, it certainly is not Menomonie, Wisconsin. I just don't know what the heck to do anymore. Hanging out with Emily just made me realize how much I miss being around my friends and being around people where I can be ME. I have made so many sacrifices to be "MOM" when in all reality most of them aren't necessary in order for me to be a good Mom to my kids. Our lease is up here in March, and once that arrives I really just don't know what I'm doing. With anything. Any chance we can just fast forward to April so I can see where I'm at and not have to think or decide anything right now??

Remember back in the day when I was telling you about how I was going on a serious mission to lose weight so I didn't have to feel like shit about myself? I remember stating that I would post a before and after picture once I had a reasonable after picture since the before picture was so nasty. Well, I think I'm ready for the after picture. I mean not just yet since I don't really feel like taking one..but soon I will. Before I found out I was pregnant with Axton I was 130 pounds. I really didn't plan on ever being able to get back to that, but today I stepped on the scale and it said 125. I almost keeled. I haven't weighed myself probably in over a month..but I knew I had lost more weight because I had to get different jeans since all my jeans were too big to the point where I couldn't wear them with out having my ass crack stick out ridiculously and/or have saggy ass syndrome. Being back to my original size/a little smaller makes me real upset I got rid of allllllll my pants I had before. DAAAAAANGET. Course now I don't have any money to just go raging shopping for all new clothes. I am real stinkin happy though about losing all the weight I gained with Axton and Zaidyn and then some. Doesn't really fix the stretch marks though?? On this subject, I started birth control a couple weeks ago. I really didn't have many options since I'm still breastfeeding. So I got on the pill that doesn't contain estrogen. Well it royally messed me up. For one, this particular pill makes it so you don't get a period, but you can have occasional spotting. I wasn't thrilled with that because it's not like I would know when this "spotting" would occur..so its like AWESOME let me ruin every pair of underwear I own while I'm at it. Ladies I know you know what I'm talking about. And sorry I'm not going to wear some Hanes Her-ways every day til I'm done taking the dumb pill. So this "spotting" turned into massive massive bleeding where I was going through a tampon every hour!!!! I said eff this and stopped taking the dumb pill because I didn't know how long that was going to last for. On top of the bleeding, my face was like pepperoni/high school style. I had like one million pimples everywhere when I don't remember the last time my face was even kind of bad. So to say the least, even though the birth control was short lived, it really did its job. So now I'm just not on anything again. I really don't know how much longer I'm going to be breastfeeding for...so I don't really feel like figuring something out in the meantime when I could be done breastfeeding in a couple weeks. So I'm going to take the celibacy route. (baaaaaaahahaha kind of joking not really though) Getting pregnant right now is not something that I could handle. To say the least. I'm so paranoid about getting pregnant that I feel like if I even watched a show about how babies are made, I would be paranoid about getting pregnant. Okay enough of this talk.

Next subject, Zaidyn. She is losing her hair! Her beautiful red hair!!!!!!!! She used to have tons and tons of it, it curled at the top even. In a matter of no time she just starting losing sooo much of it. She has the grandpa style now. Duh I took a picture to show you :

How sad!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean she still is cute as heck no doubt, but her beautiful hair is gone! I really hope it still comes back red or I WILL probably cry.

So Christmas is coming up and I'm getting really excited because I just LOVE Christmas spirit. I really don't care much for the presents etc etc...but dang I really do like all the Christmas lights up on people's houses, the stores all festive, and just the all round jolly feel of Christmas. I use to love driving around looking at all the lights on houses. I bet this year Axton would enjoy doing that with me. I decided that even though I love when people decorate the outside of their houses, I will never do it. I am far too lazy for that. Plus, apparently it really does increase your electric bill substantially. Who would have guessed with all the lights and gadgets, huh?

So, like I said before, I want to (try to) remember to document current songs that are my fav. You know, so if I do someday try the whole music timeline thing. With that said, my favorite songs right now are:
*All I Need by Matt Kearney
*The A Team by Birdy

*You Found Me by The Fray (Which I have always liked the Fray but have been listening to them quite extensively lately. I really really like them.)

*Constellations by Jack Johnson

*Tremolo by Lismore (Kayla check this one out I think you'd like it)

*What If by Coldplay

So today I hope to have a legit hang session with some friends. I really feel like playing board games for some odd reason so I hope I can! Ashley and Alyx are coming over, and hopefully Jamie later after she is done with work at 3. If everyone ends up coming over, it will be the first time us 4 have hung out in FORRRRRRREEEEVVVVVVVVVEEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!! I'm just in a real stinkin good mood today so I'm real glad for that.