Lots-o-luggage

So, I kind of screwed myself over. It has been sooo long since I have written..and lately I don't even go into my blog to read other peoples blogs because I know that I need to write, and I just have so much to say its such a daunting task. I figured that today I would MAKE myself write. The longer I put it off..the more shit I am going to have to write, right?First things first..I'm on a huge honesty kick lately. Kind of good thing, but kind of a bad thing. It's not like I lied a lot before..I just usually never shared my feelings/thoughts at all? Well hell, those days are over because I can't seem to shake this "I just GOTTA say how I feel" or "I just HAVE to share my thoughts whether you want to hear them or not." First line of business was spilling the beans to Cody. When I say spilling the beans, that seems very..not a big dealish. Let me restate: First line of business was spilling the huge fucking cement truck to Cody. The truth of the matter is, I just don't know what I want. It seems as if this ring on my finger is creating a massive amount of pressure. And not from anyone specific...just in general. Man..I don't really know if I'm the marrying kind. I know, I know..you are probably thinking..what a stinkin bitch. But guess what..when Cody and I had the many discussions of getting married etc, it IS what I wanted. In my defense, the last 2 years of my life I was just kind of numb and I was succumbing to the so called life I thought I was supposed to have. Have a kid/two kids, settle down and get married. Well I don't want "society" to decide how I have to live my life. I'm a free spirit, always have been. I can't say I don't think I ever want to get married...because I think eventually I may want to. But at 23? Daaaaaaang g, I still have a lot of life to live and that is a HUGE commitment. Things change, people change, feelings change, situations change, LIFE changes. So I just had to get that out there...no wedding.

Second line of business, I start work this week. Tomorrow actually :( I am gonna work at a nursing home in Colfax, the pm shift. I'll work 2-10:30 which is super lame..but I just wanted to do whatever to eliminate as much daycare cost as possible. Which I am in daycare search mode right now and its honestly so stupid. First off, I can't really do any "in home" day cares cuz I have 2 kids under the age of 2..so its hard enough to find someone who has an availability for ONE kid under the age of 2..but 2? Not happening. This leaves me to look at facilities (EXPENSIVE) So gotta first eliminate all the day cares that don't offer half day pricings. I will not pay one solid amount per week or per day when I only need someone to watch the kids 2 or 3 days a week from 1-6. There are TWO day cares around here that offer half day pricing..and the one has nothing available in the age groups I'm looking for. That leaves one day care. If I don't like it, I'm screwed. Not cool at all. And for 3 half days a week it is 26 dollars for each of the kids. 52 dollars to have them watch Axton and Zaidyn for 5 hours? HONESTLY!?!? What the fuck is the point of me going to work to make 40 bucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Probably 30 bucks after taxes!!!! I'm just not seeing the logic in this at all. I might have to take up another job or something I dunno. Frick!!!!

3rd line of business is the kids of course :) Zaidyn is going to be 4 months old! Holy heck! I am struggling hardcore style w/ breastfeeding and with work creeping up on me..I have the weakest milk supply in the freezer known to mankind. I am going to give it my all and try to keep up but I just realistically don't see it happening. If I am struggling to keep up with me at home..how the h am I supposed to keep up w/ me being gone? Axton is Axton...curious as ever. It is so fun watching him explore his world. He has such an imagination and does the funniest things. This kid likes hanging out in the most random places seriously. I could name plenty..but the other day he topped the cake. It got really quiet so I knew he was up to something..so I went into his room and he wasn't there..I called his name multiple times and he wasn't coming. I looked in all his normal hiding spots and I just couldn't find him anywhere. I was getting a little bit into panic mode. Anyways, I finally heard some talkin from his room so I go back in there and I still don't see him anywhere...I then realize its coming from the dresser. I open up the bottom drawer..and there he is. Laying in the bottom drawer of the dresser. Of course when I opened it he started laughing. I mean, he climbed in the dresser drawer laid down and shut himself in...didn't get scared one bit..thought it was funny. Now he does it all the time. Boy oh boy!!

4th line of business is my trip to Milwaukee. I had a reeeeeeeeeeal good time. It really made me miss living there a lot. Plus I just really miss Amber :( :( I think it was a little insane w/ both the kids not being at "home". Especially since Axton is so curious..its essential to be in a baby proof place. Although, Amber's place was more baby proof then most places you would go to w/o kids! I think it was necessary for survival to get away for awhile...Anyways, if you haven't been to the Milwaukee County Zoo you really need to. Honestly, it was amazing. It made the Como zoo and the Minnesota Zoo look TERRIBLE. It would truly be worth the 4 hour drive to go to the zoo there for the day. It is awesome.

Jinxed

I just gotta stop in and say that I did NOT forget of my blogs existence. I have  A  LOT to say and just gotta find some time to write. Possibly tomorrow night??? A lot has been happening here at the home front...and writing some thoughts down seems necessary for survival.  I also need to update about my trip to Milwaukee :) :) :)

So I just have to warn that this post is going to be quite an emotionally hefty one. I wasn't going to blog about it but for multiple reasons I think I want to.

1. There is someones blog that I read where she literally says ANYTHING and EVERYTHING on her mind. She does not hide any kind of anything. She says it how it is, every issue or problem in her life. Clearly, doesn't care what anybody thinks..she writes because she needs to. I love her blog. So forward, and so so so personal. Life is going by so fast and I just really sometimes like the idea of having EVERYTHING down in writing so I can read back and remember my life through my own writing. (My memory sometimes sucks)

2. I feel weird talking to anybody about it..so I think if I just write about this, I can get it off my chest and I don't have to worry about what the person I am talking to is thinking about me.

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So, I don't really know who all reads my blog, but the people I know that read my blog already are aware of the fact that Cody is not Axton's biological father. My friend Mandy has this exact same siutation with her daughter Adabelle. Once she found out she was pregnant, he jolted and has never once seen the baby he created with Mandy. She was over the other day and was using my computer to go on her fake fb account and look up her daughters biological father to see if she could get info from it for child support agency. She had asked me if I ever look Axton's biological father up? I said no, because I have him blocked therefore I can't search for him either. She asked if I would mind if she looked him up, and I said no. If it was anyone else that never has met him or seen him before..I would have said no, but she is very much the only person that can relate with me with everything emotionally that comes with this situation. She finds him and it only shows his profile picture. I get up off the couch to look and she says dude don't even look. Well, obviously I'm going to. I walked over to the computer and she just grabbed my arms so tight. I looked and it is a picture of him and his "fiance" who is very very far along in her prengnacy and he is holding her belly with a huge smile on his face. I instantly ran to the bathroom and threw up. REALLY? I was feeling so many emotions at this point I couldn't even pull myself together man. I can honestly say that I don't remember the last time I was THAT. SAD. (I just have to say before anything else...that I am 100% satisfied with how things have turned out in my life, and I would not want things to be ANY other way, Cody is Axton's father through thick and thin, always has been, always will be.) I was in shock for awhile and then I started processing my thoughts. I really do believe that I have never properly dealt with this part of my life. I definitely in every way shoved it all away hoping to never release the feelings from the jar. Well, like it or not, I was faced with something I was not prepared to think about. Once I found out I was pregnant, for one he didn't believe me and thought I was just saying it to make him want to be with me or something?? (We had a very on and off thing..never were we bf and gf just because both of us were at a point in our lives where we did not want to make that kind of commitment to each other, although I really did have "love" for him) For two, right from the get go he said he wanted NOTHING to do it, because "he had many things he wanted out of life that didn't include being a father". He made it seem that I was trying to completely fuck over his life. I was "ruining his life". He always made me feel like HE was the only one effected by this. Um HELLO, I was living in Milwaukee just about to start a radiology internship that I literally JUST got accepted for. The only program in the midwest that offers radiology as a bachelors degree. The internship in which 12 spots were open and 150 people interviewed for. A week after I got my acceptance and was soooo unbelievably on top of the world, I had to walk my ass in there and tell them I couldn't do it. Because I was pregnant. I moved home and lost most ALL of my friends. I had just signed a lease in Milwaukee at a house so after I moved home I had to continually for 11 months pay 450 a month for a house I was SUPPOSED to be living in. I went to doctors appointments, MYSELF, I dealt with all these changes MYSELF. I had to tell my whole family that I was pregnant (not that it was hard but it certainly wasn't easy) and it surely didn't help to be like, oh btw the father isn't involved! I made A LOT of sacrifices, A LOT. I changed my WHOLE LIFE, yet he told not ONE single person, family or friends..and probably not still to this day I dunno. Never once did he acknowledge that I was a person in the situation too, I had feelings too. If it wasn't for meeting Cody, I am not sure how I would have managed getting through the second half of my pregnancy. Anyways, back to Dbag. He made my life a living hell...for the ENTIRE 9 months, even though the last 2 months I had no contact w/ him. He harrassed me every. single. day. There was even a time in which he told me he was praying something would happen to me so that he didn't have to deal w/ either of us. At this point not one single thing in his life was effected by me being pregnant except supposedly his mind! He moved across country, and was engaged to some chick like 2 weeks later after me telling him I was pregnant. He was just a complete asshole. I had to change my phone number 3 times! The day after Axton was born he e-mailed my dad and stated that he was upset because I didn't let him know his son was born. REALLY? As if he deserved one ounce of gratification/acknowledgement for the beautiful baby we created. Anyways, when seeing this picture of him "posing" as Mr. Dad, it made me UPSET. Not upset because he isn't in Axton's life..because it would honestly be easier for me to be tortured to my death then see him lay one single finger on my son. I was upset because of what he did to ME. What he put ME through. Cody and I have to look our son in the face someday and tell him his biological Dad did not want to be a part of his life. I have to do that. Because of his complete selfishness, and despicable way of trying to be a human. Just think of your child and how much you absolutely LOVE them more then anything in the world..and know that they were half made by someone you absolutely HATE..have NO contact w/ what so ever, and don't even have any idea what stinkin state they live in? I am SO glad he is not in my life or Axton's life..but the fact of the matter is that it hurts my feelings. I don't really think you can feel a bigger kind of rejection then having the man you created a baby w/ turn ape shit on you and go crazy and ditch out. What is so great about THAT girl and THAT baby that he doesn't flee like a bandit and treat her like dirt?! Upon further creepation on fb, I find out they are having a boy, and naming him a name in which he told me multiple times to name Axton..which I made it very clear if he thought he had any part in deciding a name he was on CRACK. How can he even live with himself? Anyhow, last night I had a dream that he was in. We were at like a grocery store? We ran into each other and had a very decent conversation. We were talking very softly to each other..I asked him if he was happy and he said Yes. I asked him if he was more importantly content (which I say more importantly because he could never find the feeling of being content w/ all areas of his life) and he said Yes. He asked me if Axton was healthy and happy, and I said Yes. He said that he loved his Fiance very much. I then told him that Axton stands like him. Which is really weird because Axton does stand like him (with his right knee popped) but I have never vocalized that to anybody before. And the one thing I tell him when running into him (in my dream) was that Axton stood like him. Anyways, I woke up and I felt such a feeling of relief overcome me. The dream honestly felt so real to me, like we were both sleeping and met into each others worlds to just connect for that mere second to get a reading on each of our lives? Anyways, I know it may seem very odd, but this morning I was actually thinking that I am happy for him. When I was pregnant he was in no way shape or form going to have anything to do with it. He was very very much a lost soul when he was a part of my life before I got pregnant. So clearly in the last 2 years he has done some growing up and I am so glad that he is there for her like he should have been for me..because it is not fun to do it alone. He seems happy in all of his pictures, and he seems really excited for the baby, and I am really glad for that. I can honestly say that at one point in my life I cared about him in a manner that even though he has put me through a lot..I can still be happy for him. I have my life..(with out him in it) and he has his life (with out Axton in it) and I think for the both of us has turned out for the better. And to say the least, he has given me a little boy who absolutely, in every possible way, lights up my world..for that I am endlessly thankful.

You have no idea how much emotional weight I have lifted from me as a result of dealing with such a heavy burden. I probably will never talk about it ever again on here..but honestly...writing how I feel about all of this has helped immensely. I am really glad I took the time to write it.

Who really knows?

Well, I know you won't be surprised by this, but I think I'm gonna have to whip out the bullets today.

*Cody's boat is ruining my life. Just kidding, its not ruining my life....but I will say this, if given the opportunity..I would burn it.

*Man oh man is music rockin my world right now dude foooor real. Music has always always been something I hold dear, and I actually listen to quite a variety. I really believe I could make a soundtrack to my life thus far. I like to discover new bands and it seems like when I find someone/something I really like, I listen to it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. And over again. So, later in time...when I come back to listen to that band it reminds of that exact time in my life and what was going on. Maybe someday I should blog about it. Nah, sounds like too much work. Anyways, right now I'm on a Blue Foundation kick. (If interested look up the song ghost or this is goodbye) WOW! I think next I'm going to whip out the big guns and get on a Coldplay kick again. Man oh man, Coldplay gets ya at the core. LOVE them. So to conclude this segment, I will leave with saying that I am jamming my brains out lately.

*It has come to my attention that some people really..just really suck at life. Not that I didn't know that before...I just thought it was kind of mean to say. But I just have to say it. Really. Suck. At. Life.

*My friend Mandy and I have been hanging out quite a bit lately. She has little Adabelle who is going to be 3 in March and Brielle who is 5 weeks younger then Zaidyn. There is never a dull moment when we hang out..thats for sure. If we can get one full conversation in with out getting interrupted it is a damn good day. Adabelle seriously says the funniest things I have ever heard in my life. It makes me soooo giddy for when Axton starts talking. Anyways, since I'm on a kick I might as well tell you some of the things Adabelle has said to make me laugh real good.

-Adabelle is sitting on the toilet and Axton walks in. Adabelle tells Axton to get out, so of course Axton had to wait right outside the door because god forbid he go all the way to the living room and wait for her to get done doing her business. All of a sudden we hear in her sweet, high pitched, full of love voice, angelic voice "AAAXTON! Come in here and look at my big dump!"

-Adabelle and Axton were wrestling (no really, they wrestle..I got a video tonight I maybe should post it sometime. Nah, that seems like too much work.) and Adabelle says, "Pew what is that stink mommy?" Obviously Axton crapped his pants...and Adabelle says, "Oh my goodness sweetie you really should ask your mom to change your diaper" <-- How. Stinking. Great.

-Kids are playing in the living room w/ toys and Adabelle walks up to Mandy and says, "Show me the carfax wouldya?"

*I kind of wish I could tell you some jokes right now. I mean I don't really have any good ones, mostly because I think most jokes are really dumb. But the ones that do make me laugh...are top notch jokes. I, however, can never stinking remember them to save my life. But as some people say, "Its the thought that counts". So just know..that if I could I would tell you some good jokes.

*Yesterday I went grocery shopping, and I saved 25 dollars with coupons. I know 25 dollars seems like nothing compared to those extreme couponing ladies..but for real, 25 bucks is still pretty darn good compared to not saving 25 bucks at all. I actually get excited for the Sunday paper so I can cut out coupons. How Mom is that? I have to say, my worst mom quality. Anyways, I just gotta say that I don't really cut the coupons that straight. It's so dumb..not that I can't cut straight but I just can't cut straight really fast so my coupons tend to look like trapezoids. that is extreme. Whatever, I'm so over talking about coupons.

*I miss my nephew. I used to see Dexter once a week and for all day since I watched him. Now I see him like once every 2 weeks and not for much time. I miss that little/not so little guy. Seriously, I love that kid. Is it asking too much to have my sister drive him a half hour each way to let me see him every. single. day so I can kiss on those cheeks every. single. day? Gollllll. I can't believe, no really, I can NOT believe he is going to be ONE YEAR OLD. This past year of my life definitely wouldn't have been as great w/ out this little/not so little guy. AUNTIE LOVES YOU DEXTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheeseball

Seriously, Axton is such a cheeseball.

Whenever I whip the camera out, he never seizes to amaze me.

Animal Cracker?

Is it me or does this animal cracker have a ding dong for a face?

Me

I am happy to report that for the first time in 2 years I finally feel like "me" again. Wooofta. I thought I had really lost myself in all of the changes I was encountering but in fact, I am still here. I may be a lot different, but attribute those differences to the amount of growing I have done as a person. I honestly can't really explain this "back to me" feeling...but let me just say that it is wonderful. I seriously think having Zaidyn knocked my brain back right or something. For the last two years I had the hardest time putting my thoughts and feelings into actual words..and now I can't stop. It is like everything is pouring out of me at once. As great as all this feels..I also feel like I am being very analytical of everything in my life. With good there is always bad I suppose. I do admit, my brain is on fire and I am very very very confused. But..I also am sooooooooo happy that I feel like I am busting at the seams of my own skin. <-- I really don't think I have ever made such a true statement. If I could..(which I guess I could) I would run and dance and jump and groove down the streets screaming at the top of my lungs with joy. I can't even sleep at night because I have so much going on in my brain..so much that I can't even hardly sort it all out. Anyway, busy day for me today so tootles!