Good Grief!

Alright so obviously, I'll just get it out there, I am aware I haven't written in years. My bad. My computer took a poop on me so I was outta service for awhile. Funny because literally right after I get internet on my phone, my computer crashed. Not joking. Regardless, I have it back now so I am going to do my best to cover all topics in which I have been meaning to, but unable. I'm going to take the bullet approach as far as randomness..but I will refrain from the bullets. Time for change.

So why the heck is Culvers so delicious? I was thinking about that the other day when my mouth was watering for a juicy, delicious, absolutely fabuloso cheeseburger from there. It is on the South side of town so not really a quick hop skip and a jump trip there, unlike all the other fast food places. When we hit up Culvers, you know its a good day. Alright, I'll write Culvers a letter:

Culvers,

I love your burgers. With Cheese. Ketchup, Mustard, Onions. You could lower your prices a bit though.

Love,

Caitlin

So Christmas was alright...I had to work all stinkin weekend so it didn't even feel like Christmas at all. Well sorta, but not really. I really loved watching Axton open all his presents this year. Last year he was still real little so we wrapped everything in a bag with tissue paper cuz that is pretty much all he could do. So having to wrap all his presents (which I suck at mind you) was exhausting? I mean I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that before...that wrapping presents is exhausting...but to me, IT IS. It's never freaking ending. I had to keep reminding myself that it would be worth it watching him open them. But really I am not good at wrapping presents. I think next year I'm going to put a real effort into making the presents look good. Accessories and all.

For Christmas I got a gift certificate to a hair salon..so I think now I'm finally gonna do something different. I have been dying my hair the same color for like 7 years! Pretty much the same hairstyle with slight variations here and there. Time for a change ya hear? I think I want to do somethin crazy, like vibrant bright red. I bet the old people will like that, lol.

This year the holidays have felt non-existent. I had to freaking work every single one of them! Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve, and New Years Day! What in the? Hopefully next year, I will actually get to enjoy the holidays unlike this year. The double pay was nice I suppose, but maybe not worth missing my favorite time of year.

Alright so here are some songs in my life right now: (Just trying to keep it a semi-usual thing to document):

Read My Mind - The Killers

We All Lose One Another - Jason Collett

Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls

My Only Swerving - El Ten Eleven

Mississippi-Train

Reasons to Love You - Meiko

Whatever It Is - Ben Lee

Kids- MGMT

So today is Axton's birthday..his 2nd birthday. How crazy is that business?? Two years ago today, this little boy got brought into my life and brought such a new light in my life. I admit, he tests my patience daily...but I wouldn't have it any other way :)

On to more....serious matters. Life lately has been so crazy. I have been struggling to write for multiple reasons. One being that I seriously have so much in my brain right now that even beginning to get everything down in writing seems like an impossible task. Also, I feel like everything going on in my life right now is rather personal? So I feel a tad vulnerable putting myself out there and laying my feelings out on the line. But I figure, what have I really got to lose? When Zaidyn was 6-8 weeks old...(I think around there) is when I finally started feeling like myself again..and I actually made myself a priority in my life..unlike before when I wasn't even on the priority list itself. Making time for myself has made such a difference in my life. Putting focus on myself from time to time has really changed my outlook on life as of recent. I feel like I've learned so much about myself in the last couple months then ever before. And maybe that isn't the best way of describing it. I wouldn't consider it "learning" about myself..I would more or less describe it as me facing the facts and being completely real with myself about how I am with certain things, how I want to live my life, goals I want accomplished, where I see myself, the kind of relationship I essentially want to be in...those kinds of things. Right now I am most definitely at a very serious crossroad in my life. I'm just taking in all of my surroundings and deciding what is best for me, the kids, and my family. I just want to be fair..with myself, with Cody, and my kids. I wish I could divulge a bit more...but time is not allowing me to do such things right this moment. I really will try to write again real soon.

Tattoo talk

Well, this weekend I finally got to get some ink :) It has been 3ish years since the last time I got a tattoo!!!!!!!! I have soooo many that I want to get and having that long of time go by with out any was just saddening. I was pregnant tho so there really wasn't anything I could do about it. Regardless, I finally got my gem/Jewell tattoo. Here is a pic:

I love it!!! I had drawn up a different gem, but my mind has been so flustered with trying to figure out what exactly I wanted! I have so many tatts that I know I want, but out of all of them I knew my "Jewell" tatt would be the most meaningful to me. It obviously represents family, but even more so its a permanent reminder to always stay true to myself. Which really hits home for me lately because I just really am struggling with keeping "myself" in mind when it comes to decisions that I have to make/am in the process of making. I originally planned to get it where I ended up getting it, my forearm..but I really was thinking that I wanted my gem to be in my chest piece. I have been throwing around ideas in my head for years now for my chest piece. Its the prime realty. Wabam, right there for everyone to see. So no doubt that I want it to be my most meaningful piece of work. So I believe that the gem I originally was going to get will be included in my chest piece as well as something representing my kiddos. My brother and I threw around a couple of ideas so he is going to work on drawing something up. He will be doing my whole right arm. I don't really know what ALL I want, but I do know that I will be getting a tattoo for Axton and at tattoo for Zaidyn. I know with Zaidyn I want to get some traditional flowers on the top of my forearm and I am not exactly sure yet for Axton. My brother also touched up the arm tattoo that he did with flowers and vines, adding some shading as well as green in the leaves. I am so apprehensive for color. I just don't think I really am a fan of colored tattoos so I just constantly go back and forth and back and forth thinking about if I should add color to the flowers or not. Some other tattoos that I am getting someday is a pin up girl on my leg, old school style, but with her holding a boom box. My friend, Web, from college drew me up a pin up girl holding a boom box, and I just love it. Always have wanted a pin up girl, and holding a boom box is just such a perfect way to show my love for music. Although I also want to get a different tattoo symbolizing my love for music. Anyways, I have much more I could say about what tattoos I am getting someday but I have to go to work. I work today tomorrow then 3 days off!!! What will I do with all my time off??? Oh yeah, clean and put up Christmas decorations and of course the Christmas tree!!!

Groovy Gertrude

So its official, I'm back to sucking at blogging. In my defense I'm SUPER busy lately with work and what not so forth. If it means anything, I think of something I should blog about at least every day. If only I could blog via cell phone while breastfeeding or on break at work?? So, as usual I might as well warn you now that this will be rather hefty for there are plenty of topics I will talk about, and plenty I will probably just refrain since they are pretty irrelevant.

Firstly, and most importantly, my friend Emily came to visit me for the weekend. I can't really express how much this was needed!!! I had Friday and Saturday off of work and she got here Friday afternoon. We didn't really do much, which is exactly what I prefer. We got to hang out, catch up on life, and obviously have a grand time with all the kids! She has a baby named Ray who is a monthish younger then Zaidyn. (Which is exactly why we refer to them as boyfriend and girlfriend!) It will be a lot of fun when they get a little older and can actually play with each other! She was going to leave Saturday afternoon and then we both simultaneously decided while I was taking a poop and we were texting each other that it wasn't going to happen. Yes we were texting each other while I was pooping, and yes I did just tell you that. Anyways, so we decided we would bring the kids to Mall of America to walk around and people observe and not buy anything. Anyhoots, right after we get the diaper bags packed etc..(which obviously takes a bit) it started snowing!!!!! So then we looked up info on the weather and decided we probably shouldn't. So then instead we went to Wal-Mart approximately 2 minutes from where I live and got the scraper brush things for snow. Pretty close to the same adventure, right? Anyways, so we decided to get a bit crafty Saturday night. I only have pics of what I made but she made some really cute stuff too!

I realize those pics are are extremely messed up but I don't really know what I did?? Nor am I going to try to fix it. You get the jist. I'm going to make a bunch more headbands and pins in different colors and such. I'm not really a crafty person by any means, but all Zaidyn's headbands are too small and I wanted something for my hair too.

I also just need to let everyone know that Dino Donald is no longer with us. He had lost an arm this past summer, and on the 19th of November at approximately 6:27pm, he lost his leg as well and can no longer survive.

Axton is taking things pretty good...it actually doesn't seem to phase him. To Axton, he now has 3 toys to play with instead of 1. He sometimes carries the arm around...he sometimes carries the dino with missing appendages around..and sometimes he carries around the leg. You can bet your butt though that regardless which of the 3 he is carrying around..he roars the whole time he's playing with it.

Here are some other pictures of my weekend with Emily. P.S. so dumb because her and I didn't even get a picture together. What the h!

Baby Ray and Baby Zaidyn

Baby Ray in the Jumparoo

I was seriously a mopey Mildred when Emily left Sunday morning. Honestly, I just miss living in Milwaukee so much and being able to see my friends. When I originally found out I was pregnant with Axton, I moved home because it was necessary for survival. I needed my family for support since it was a really hard time in my life with a lot of changes. As of lately, it just feels like I'm here for no reason. I don't even hang out with anyone ever. I see my Mom only for short periods of time when she watches the kids before I go to work, I never see my sister, I never see my Dad or step Mom unless they are watching the kids on the weekend when I work..I hardly ever see my friends here...ever...I never see my brother, never see my grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. Soooo why am I here again? Just wondering. I don't feel close to anyone here anymore. Hell, I don't even feel close to Cody anymore. And I'm not saying its anyone's fault..life is busy and that is just how it is. But if that is the case, I can live not in bumfuck Egypt. I guess upon moving home I never intended on it being a permanent thing, and that's kind of how it feels right now. I mean..if someone would ask where I see myself in 5 years, it certainly is not Menomonie, Wisconsin. I just don't know what the heck to do anymore. Hanging out with Emily just made me realize how much I miss being around my friends and being around people where I can be ME. I have made so many sacrifices to be "MOM" when in all reality most of them aren't necessary in order for me to be a good Mom to my kids. Our lease is up here in March, and once that arrives I really just don't know what I'm doing. With anything. Any chance we can just fast forward to April so I can see where I'm at and not have to think or decide anything right now??

Remember back in the day when I was telling you about how I was going on a serious mission to lose weight so I didn't have to feel like shit about myself? I remember stating that I would post a before and after picture once I had a reasonable after picture since the before picture was so nasty. Well, I think I'm ready for the after picture. I mean not just yet since I don't really feel like taking one..but soon I will. Before I found out I was pregnant with Axton I was 130 pounds. I really didn't plan on ever being able to get back to that, but today I stepped on the scale and it said 125. I almost keeled. I haven't weighed myself probably in over a month..but I knew I had lost more weight because I had to get different jeans since all my jeans were too big to the point where I couldn't wear them with out having my ass crack stick out ridiculously and/or have saggy ass syndrome. Being back to my original size/a little smaller makes me real upset I got rid of allllllll my pants I had before. DAAAAAANGET. Course now I don't have any money to just go raging shopping for all new clothes. I am real stinkin happy though about losing all the weight I gained with Axton and Zaidyn and then some. Doesn't really fix the stretch marks though?? On this subject, I started birth control a couple weeks ago. I really didn't have many options since I'm still breastfeeding. So I got on the pill that doesn't contain estrogen. Well it royally messed me up. For one, this particular pill makes it so you don't get a period, but you can have occasional spotting. I wasn't thrilled with that because it's not like I would know when this "spotting" would occur..so its like AWESOME let me ruin every pair of underwear I own while I'm at it. Ladies I know you know what I'm talking about. And sorry I'm not going to wear some Hanes Her-ways every day til I'm done taking the dumb pill. So this "spotting" turned into massive massive bleeding where I was going through a tampon every hour!!!! I said eff this and stopped taking the dumb pill because I didn't know how long that was going to last for. On top of the bleeding, my face was like pepperoni/high school style. I had like one million pimples everywhere when I don't remember the last time my face was even kind of bad. So to say the least, even though the birth control was short lived, it really did its job. So now I'm just not on anything again. I really don't know how much longer I'm going to be breastfeeding for...so I don't really feel like figuring something out in the meantime when I could be done breastfeeding in a couple weeks. So I'm going to take the celibacy route. (baaaaaaahahaha kind of joking not really though) Getting pregnant right now is not something that I could handle. To say the least. I'm so paranoid about getting pregnant that I feel like if I even watched a show about how babies are made, I would be paranoid about getting pregnant. Okay enough of this talk.

Next subject, Zaidyn. She is losing her hair! Her beautiful red hair!!!!!!!! She used to have tons and tons of it, it curled at the top even. In a matter of no time she just starting losing sooo much of it. She has the grandpa style now. Duh I took a picture to show you :

How sad!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean she still is cute as heck no doubt, but her beautiful hair is gone! I really hope it still comes back red or I WILL probably cry.

So Christmas is coming up and I'm getting really excited because I just LOVE Christmas spirit. I really don't care much for the presents etc etc...but dang I really do like all the Christmas lights up on people's houses, the stores all festive, and just the all round jolly feel of Christmas. I use to love driving around looking at all the lights on houses. I bet this year Axton would enjoy doing that with me. I decided that even though I love when people decorate the outside of their houses, I will never do it. I am far too lazy for that. Plus, apparently it really does increase your electric bill substantially. Who would have guessed with all the lights and gadgets, huh?

So, like I said before, I want to (try to) remember to document current songs that are my fav. You know, so if I do someday try the whole music timeline thing. With that said, my favorite songs right now are:
*All I Need by Matt Kearney
*The A Team by Birdy

*You Found Me by The Fray (Which I have always liked the Fray but have been listening to them quite extensively lately. I really really like them.)

*Constellations by Jack Johnson

*Tremolo by Lismore (Kayla check this one out I think you'd like it)

*What If by Coldplay

So today I hope to have a legit hang session with some friends. I really feel like playing board games for some odd reason so I hope I can! Ashley and Alyx are coming over, and hopefully Jamie later after she is done with work at 3. If everyone ends up coming over, it will be the first time us 4 have hung out in FORRRRRRREEEEVVVVVVVVVEEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!! I'm just in a real stinkin good mood today so I'm real glad for that.

Vroom Vroom!

Axton has an infatuation with anything that has wheels. Literally..and I mean literally..5 seconds after he is awake in the morning, he is going through his toy box getting anything that has wheels and putting it up on his table. It is the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. This kid makes the most realistic car noises, its nuts. He even does the put put put thing and sometimes a backfire. He just has such a imagination and I just love watching him "organize" his toys. However, I think he needs a little work on his parking lot, some of those cars will have a hard time getting out. ;)

Worky Shmirkey

I know I have probably said this before, but I really feel like coming up with a title for each blog post is so difficult for me. I mean, I think it is safe to say that in my blogs I ramble on about multiple different topics. Since that is the case, how the heck am I supposed to be able to choose just one topic to base the title off of? I guess I just gotta apologize for my whacky titles that probably don't make any sense. Big whoop, right?

On Wednesday I started work at the Colfax Health and Rehab facility. I have done my 3 days of training and so far everything is going great. Everything will be so much easier after I have a little more experience w/ the residents so I can know them all by name and acquire the knowledge of each of their preferences. Obviously it is NOT easy to not be able to say goodnight to Axton and Zaidyn. I always am looking at the clock around bedtime and just wish so badly I could give them kisses goodnight, and tell them how much I love them. Pumping at work is the dumbest thing on planet earth. I'm super struggling right now, but I'm really trying to stinkin kick it in gear so I can still breastfeed. I haven't had to supplement at all yet, but my freezer supply is slacker city. Besides that, I missed the elderly sooooo much. I really really loved my job at Linden Grove, and I honestly still miss some of the residents there..I know I'll never forget my favorite lady there. She seriously thought that I was from a different planet. She told me I was the weirdest person she has ever met and one time even told me to go back to my home planet. Good times, good times. Anyways, I very much enjoyed being in that environment again. Obviously there are parts of the job that aren't the awesomest, but man do I just love the elderly. They are just such a joy, even if they don't say anything. I always just think to myself when looking at them, how many memories they have stored in that brain, all the life they have lived, families they have made. I just can't imagine being that old. I wonder if at that point in your life when you have realized that you don't have that many years left..when your body starts to fail you..what exactly you think about when looking back on your life. Regrets? Favorite times? Favorite people that were once apart of your life? I am not exactly sure what I want out of my life, but I do know that I always want to try to be happy. Course, many things can occur to make that a rather difficult task..but I know with a positive outlook, positive thoughts, and uplifting surroundings, those times are easily managed. I have to admit, I don't feel I have those things right now. I can say that I have a positive outlook, I feel I always have. Positive thoughts?? Not so much. I have realized as of recent that I am a Debbie Downer man. I try not to be.. I feel like I give positive energy..and not a negative energy kind of vibe..but I just struggle w/ not thinking about the worst in every situation. Currently, I feel like I am grasping on to something soooo tight that I don't want to lose, but I am really trying to have a completely different mind set to manage it. I want to be able to find peace with anything that comes at me, good and bad. Just let go of all the worries and wonders, because everything happens as it should, even the bad stuff. The bad stuff is where you learn your lessons which makes the good stuff that much better. Currently I carry the feeling of having something missing in my life. I'm not exactly sure what that is. That was a complete lie, I know exactly what it is. (<-- that is a perfect example of this honesty business BS I've been dealing with. I didn't HAVE to admit that I know what is missing in my life, I could have easily just kept it at having you think I don't know whats missing in my life so I didn't have to tell you. I couldn't even do it. Right after I typed out the sentence I was like fuck, that's a lie. Still don't think I'm gonna tell you though. See? Don't you think it would have been better if I just lied? Gol, lose lose for me.) I am just taking everything day by day and seeing what each bring. Truly I feel like I am at a point in my life where I would really like to flourish and take in, embrace, and reflect on all the feelings coming at me. I'll let you know how it goes for me.

Anyone get the new Coldplay CD? How is it? I really wanna hear it. Keebler chips deluxe cookies are kicking my ass. Honestly, sooo delicious. I can't resist them. Can't wait to bring the kids trick or treating tomorrow. Hopefully its not dreadfully cold cuz I just hate being outside when its cold. Why do I live in Wisconsin? It's not even winter yet and I'm complaining!

Lots-o-luggage

So, I kind of screwed myself over. It has been sooo long since I have written..and lately I don't even go into my blog to read other peoples blogs because I know that I need to write, and I just have so much to say its such a daunting task. I figured that today I would MAKE myself write. The longer I put it off..the more shit I am going to have to write, right?First things first..I'm on a huge honesty kick lately. Kind of good thing, but kind of a bad thing. It's not like I lied a lot before..I just usually never shared my feelings/thoughts at all? Well hell, those days are over because I can't seem to shake this "I just GOTTA say how I feel" or "I just HAVE to share my thoughts whether you want to hear them or not." First line of business was spilling the beans to Cody. When I say spilling the beans, that seems very..not a big dealish. Let me restate: First line of business was spilling the huge fucking cement truck to Cody. The truth of the matter is, I just don't know what I want. It seems as if this ring on my finger is creating a massive amount of pressure. And not from anyone specific...just in general. Man..I don't really know if I'm the marrying kind. I know, I know..you are probably thinking..what a stinkin bitch. But guess what..when Cody and I had the many discussions of getting married etc, it IS what I wanted. In my defense, the last 2 years of my life I was just kind of numb and I was succumbing to the so called life I thought I was supposed to have. Have a kid/two kids, settle down and get married. Well I don't want "society" to decide how I have to live my life. I'm a free spirit, always have been. I can't say I don't think I ever want to get married...because I think eventually I may want to. But at 23? Daaaaaaang g, I still have a lot of life to live and that is a HUGE commitment. Things change, people change, feelings change, situations change, LIFE changes. So I just had to get that out there...no wedding.

Second line of business, I start work this week. Tomorrow actually :( I am gonna work at a nursing home in Colfax, the pm shift. I'll work 2-10:30 which is super lame..but I just wanted to do whatever to eliminate as much daycare cost as possible. Which I am in daycare search mode right now and its honestly so stupid. First off, I can't really do any "in home" day cares cuz I have 2 kids under the age of 2..so its hard enough to find someone who has an availability for ONE kid under the age of 2..but 2? Not happening. This leaves me to look at facilities (EXPENSIVE) So gotta first eliminate all the day cares that don't offer half day pricings. I will not pay one solid amount per week or per day when I only need someone to watch the kids 2 or 3 days a week from 1-6. There are TWO day cares around here that offer half day pricing..and the one has nothing available in the age groups I'm looking for. That leaves one day care. If I don't like it, I'm screwed. Not cool at all. And for 3 half days a week it is 26 dollars for each of the kids. 52 dollars to have them watch Axton and Zaidyn for 5 hours? HONESTLY!?!? What the fuck is the point of me going to work to make 40 bucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Probably 30 bucks after taxes!!!! I'm just not seeing the logic in this at all. I might have to take up another job or something I dunno. Frick!!!!

3rd line of business is the kids of course :) Zaidyn is going to be 4 months old! Holy heck! I am struggling hardcore style w/ breastfeeding and with work creeping up on me..I have the weakest milk supply in the freezer known to mankind. I am going to give it my all and try to keep up but I just realistically don't see it happening. If I am struggling to keep up with me at home..how the h am I supposed to keep up w/ me being gone? Axton is Axton...curious as ever. It is so fun watching him explore his world. He has such an imagination and does the funniest things. This kid likes hanging out in the most random places seriously. I could name plenty..but the other day he topped the cake. It got really quiet so I knew he was up to something..so I went into his room and he wasn't there..I called his name multiple times and he wasn't coming. I looked in all his normal hiding spots and I just couldn't find him anywhere. I was getting a little bit into panic mode. Anyways, I finally heard some talkin from his room so I go back in there and I still don't see him anywhere...I then realize its coming from the dresser. I open up the bottom drawer..and there he is. Laying in the bottom drawer of the dresser. Of course when I opened it he started laughing. I mean, he climbed in the dresser drawer laid down and shut himself in...didn't get scared one bit..thought it was funny. Now he does it all the time. Boy oh boy!!

4th line of business is my trip to Milwaukee. I had a reeeeeeeeeeal good time. It really made me miss living there a lot. Plus I just really miss Amber :( :( I think it was a little insane w/ both the kids not being at "home". Especially since Axton is so curious..its essential to be in a baby proof place. Although, Amber's place was more baby proof then most places you would go to w/o kids! I think it was necessary for survival to get away for awhile...Anyways, if you haven't been to the Milwaukee County Zoo you really need to. Honestly, it was amazing. It made the Como zoo and the Minnesota Zoo look TERRIBLE. It would truly be worth the 4 hour drive to go to the zoo there for the day. It is awesome.

Jinxed

I just gotta stop in and say that I did NOT forget of my blogs existence. I have  A  LOT to say and just gotta find some time to write. Possibly tomorrow night??? A lot has been happening here at the home front...and writing some thoughts down seems necessary for survival.  I also need to update about my trip to Milwaukee :) :) :)