oh...you know.

Since the last time I wrote, I have surprisingly have found many answers to many of the questions I have been having. I know it seems crazy, but this shit is for real!  It is almost like a ray of sunlight just beamed through to my life and I just feel so rejuvenated.

First off, 2 weeks ago I had breakfast with my dad. These breakfasts usually consist of us throwing ideas back and forth to each other about how we feel about life in general, our particular lives, or just random ass shit. After discussing with him some of the issues I've been having it was quite clear that I am spending way too much of my time dwelling on the past and spending way too much of my time trying to make decisions. He said that it is absolutely irrelevant to dwell on the past..because that is all it is, is the past. I disagreed to a degree because if you didn't dwell on things that happened in your past, how are you supposed to learn from your experiences? I mean technically 2 minutes ago was the past. Things happen in your life and sometimes you have to allow yourself time to reflect on them and gain from them everything you possibly can. BOOM, I'm okay with that. It would be impossible for me to go from dwelling major to dwelling not at all. So with that being said:

*Note to self: It is OKAY to dwell on things for the mere reason to benefit completely from the circumstances at hand. It is NOT okay to dwell if you are just battling with what you should or could have done to make things different. 

As far as the decision making thing? BAAAAA, save me. I have always been really indecisive. It is a rather annoying attribute of mine. At first it just seemed like an annoying girl thing, that I could never make up my mind. Then I thought that perhaps I just cared too much about what people thought so I was having troubles making up my mind because what other people would think was always in the back of my head. Now I just realize both of those are invalid and I take the littlest of decisions and biggest of decisions and try to envision the effect each will have in future time. LAME! All of the above are lame actually. Anyways, I need to take a step back from this and just kind of find the stem of it. Maybe I am so indecisive because I realize that any and every decision you make matters, and since I dwell so fucking much on the past, I just have a hard time deciding what I am going to be dwelling on in the future LOL. Kidding. Sort of. Fack. It's something I'm working on alright? It is just a little crazy to think that every decision you make impacts the rest of your days. You can't ever go back and change that decision. If you make the wrong one, it can be considered a mistake. But thereafter, if you make that same decision again it just becomes a choice. I think a lot of times I make decisions based on not what I feel is best for me, but what is easiest and less harming for others. Very frustrating.

^ That was all written a couple weeks ago er somethin. I dunno. I will write and then not finish and save it. Then take forever to come back on here and finish it. Ohhh the things I do I tell you! I think I might just babble right now. So, Axton was in his big boy underwear all weekend! It was a pretty successful weekend minus of course a few accidents here and there. When he wakes up in the morning he doesn't want anything to do with his underwear..he says NO I WANT DIAPER. Then I tell him big boys wear underwear and then of course he says how he's a big boy and wants underwear. He also doesn't think he can poop anywhere but in a diaper. So that has been fun. Anyway, enough of the potty training talk..I'm just saying that my little buddy is getting big and soon will be completely diaper free. YIPPEEEE! Two kids in diapers isn't exactly my....ideal situation. Zaidyn is so damn spunky I just can't believe it. That girl holy buckets. She just sprouts everyday, and I love every minute of it. She is really into lions right now and carries one around with her and roars constantly. If Axton starts playing with any of her 3 lions, she goes up to him and points in the other direction and yells GO!! Very sternly..which is seriously...way too damn cute. She looooves to give hugs and will just walk up to me grab my leg and say Momma and hug my leg. So cute! Tell her to dance, and she dances, tell her to sing and she babbles, tell her its time to change her diaper and she runs to her room and stands by the changing table, tell her it's time to eat and she stands next to her high chair. Just way too damn cute that girl!!!!!!!!!!! She will literally come up to me and say Momma Ni night when she is ready for a nap. I just can't believe how fast time has gone by...my kids are getting so big what the heck!!!!!!!!!!

On that note, my life is just so crazy busy. I feel like I don't even have time to stinking balance my checkbook, or check my mail pile that gets bigger by the day. I need to sweep and mop my kitchen but how the suzanna am I supposed to do that with 2 hooligans running around all the time? Seriously!!! Kids are so much work!!!! Not that any of you don't know that because I'm pretty positive majority of people that read my blog are mothers. Regardless, I'm just saying. That is why I could never do a daycare as a job. Props to my sis because I just could not do it. I can take care of my own kids..babysit once and awhile..but to do that for a job..nooooo way. That takes some serious patience, physical energy, and emotional energy. Holy buckets. Anyway, I'm gonna buzz outta this joint :)

Up in my head

Well, now and again I just have to throw a blog post out there about things a little more deeper than surface stuff. I feel like my brain moves so quickly that sometimes I don't even have time to process my own thoughts. They leave my head just as quick as they got there. The last couple weeks however I have been juggling around feelings that I'm unable to properly deal with. I was thinking that perhaps if I tried to get it down in writing, I may be able to conclude some of the feelings or find a solution to them. I love run on sentences.

I guess I should first start off by saying that I have always felt different. Not different in the sense of being an outcast, just different in the sense that I don't really have the feeling of belonging. In any given situation, place, or experience I just never feel satisfaction or fulfillment. It is quite frustrating because I do feel blessed with the people and things in my life, but yet I find myself unhappy a majority of the time. Sure, my kids make me happy..but not much else. And I attribute that to the lack of feeling close to anyone or anything. Anything good in my life I feel is always temporary. I believe this is because of my nature, not because things or people become not good enough. A lot of the times it's the circumstances that does this as well. Living far away from someone I could feel really close to, or becoming substantially different in where we stand in life. I just have extremely stubborn idealism that doesn't mesh readily with modern existence. I am becoming very frustrated with this because I don't know where to go from here.

I feel what makes up a person is their experiences. It attributes to the main development of ones character, helps decipher one's personal opinions and preferences, and above all is what makes personal growth attainable. Often times, especially lately, I find myself feeling extremely down because of all this. I have all these desires, but cannot fulfill them due to the responsibilities in front of me. I find myself longing for the chance to "experience." I just want to state that in no way shape or form am I saying that I don't enjoy my life with my kids and the things I do to keep us afloat. I do, and always will do anything in my might to keep them happy and do what is best for them.

Routine is not for me. I don't enjoy having a lifestyle wrapped around routine, and I definitely don't function the best under a lifestyle of constants either. I am a free spirit, always have been. I thrive on change, I thrive on the unknown ahead of me, and I thrive on the excitement of experiencing new things. My life has pretty much been the exact same every single day for the past 3 years. It is really REALLY starting to get to me. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew my life would change. I prepared myself for it, and entered the role with open arms. I changed myself completely, only later to realize that that was not the right approach either. I realized I could still be myself and be a great mother to my kids. The last year I have been on quite the emotional and spiritual journey. I have always said that I will spend each of my days creating myself instead of "finding" myself. However, in order to start creating myself I had to start acknowledging myself first. Acknowledge things about me that I didn't before. Face the things about me head on that I was trying to look past or avoid. The truth of the matter is that this is not the lifestyle that I pictured myself having. I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for love. I feel in myself a superabundance of energy in which I am finding no outlet in this quiet life of mine. But the reality of it is, I was given this life for a reason. I reeeeeally genuinely am desperate to find that reason. I don't think I ever will, I just feel like maybe I can have a peace of mind about it all.

I really hope I am not coming off like I am unhappy with my "Mom" role and I dread waking up each day with my kids. That is not the case what so ever. The love I have for my children is everlasting and makes me love waking up each day. They are the light in my life. I just have this overwhelming feeling that there is something missing in my life. Do a lot of people feel this way, like a constant void? I try not to think about it often because I have layered thoughts about it all. I often contemplate if this "huge missing piece" is a person? A place? I think that is why I have questioned so much about Cody and I because I kind of felt like the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with would fill that void for me. I still feel it. Is it my surroundings? Am I not satisfied with the background of my life? Well, not especially. I mean I live in Wisconsin for crying out loud. I always wanted to move out West when I was done with school. Would living in an area that had such a positive outburst of energy do the trick for me? I don't know. I'm in no position to give it a whirl that's for sure.

I just am such a layered individual, and I myself am still trying to put the puzzle pieces together. Not many people that have come into my life have known me well enough to get that. I usually give off the same first impression to people when they meet me, and unfortunately it doesn't really get past that. There have been 4 individuals in my life that I have been able to show the deeper side of me to and have somewhat understood me..mostly because they are very similar. 3 out of those four live far as hell away and the other one is my Dad.  My relationship with my Dad should be a whole nother blog. But of course I will probably forget about it. Maybe someone could remind me if I don't write for a long time?

Story goes, I'm deciphering the appropriate way to get to the bottom of how I am feeling. I really would just like to find my path again. I would like to think that I am building my own path vs trying to find the right one..but nothing feels RIGHT anymore. I am indecisive as fuck, and when I finally make a decision about something and start moving in that direction, I always find myself questioning it. I don't want to live my life questioning everything..it really isn't my style. It is happening subconsciously, which is almost more frustrating then if it wasn't happening subconsciously. I will probably start writing more about this personal journey of mine. I think if someday I am able to find that peace of mind I'm so desperately searching for..it would be quite the adventure to read back about how I got there.

I'm thinkin not

*I am an instagramaholic. I love it. I go on it ten times more than I do facebook even. I hardly ever go on facebook. Okay that is a lie, I do daily. But maybe just once. Instagram all freaking day. Majority of the people I follow on there/follow me on there are complete strangers...so it is fun to get in on peoples fun adventurous lives! You could say I vicariously live through them hahaha! And I kinda like it because I can post a crap ton of pictures and not give a shit cuz the people I don't really even know...whereas facebook I have family etc etc. Not that I should even care??? Whateves.
*So the other day my mother and I went furniture shopping. She used to work at the facility that I do as of current but got a new job in the Twin Cities. Being as she is working in the Twin Cities she wanted to live closer. I told her she really needed to get on getting her house on the market because it would take awhile to sell with things being how they are in the economy etc etc. She was hesitant at first because she needed to still find a place to live but I assured her she would have plenty of time to look. She puts her house on the market. It sells in 10 days. WTF! Just my luck! Anyways, so we went furniture shopping for her new apartment. She wanted to get alllll new stuff. Totally fun right? So we went to Ashley Furniture first. I can't believe this actually happened. We were just browsing in the showroom as were a couple of other people that had gotten there after us and were behind us a bit. A representative from there walked literally right past my Mom and I and asked the ritzy ditzy looking couple behind us if they needed any help..then proceeded to ask the gentleman in a suit behind them if he needed any assistance...walked past us AGAIN and sat down at her desk. I couldn't believe it!!!I guess we didn't look rich enough to be worth her time since she works on commission. My mom was on the market for an entire bedroom set, living room furniture, kitchen table and chairs,and a new mattress and boxspring. Serves that bitch right! So when someone finally did come up to us I couldn't keep my mouth shut about it! My mom was like, girl why you gotta embarrass me!? But fuck that shit dude, who does that? NOT OKAY! I still can't believe it! Some people I tell you.
*Currently I'm sitting in a wheelchair. That's right, a wheelchair. And not by choice believe it or not. I am in the charting room at work and they don't even provide us with legit computer chairs up next to the table with computers on them. We have two wheelchairs in this room. It never crossed my mind until this evening. I looked across the room and saw Rich in a wheel chair and thought to myself, what the fuck is happening right now, we are sitting in wheelchairs. And on top of the wheelchair bizz, my wheelchair that I'm currently residing in has an oxygen tank on the back. A light just turned on all the way at the end of the mile long hallway. I totally rally raced down the hall in the wheelchair to answer it. Don't tell. Was kind of fun, not super fun but okay. My arms kinda burn a little not gonna lie. Grampa told me tonight that I am spoiling his life. I almost cried. All because I told him I had to give him a bath. Once that all got taken care of  and I got him snuggled into bed he told me he was sorry if he hurt my feelings, and I'm the best. WOO HOO! Back on good terms with Grampa. Jackpot.
*Do you understand the extent of what I have to do to blog while I am at work. You don't? Well that is okay because I will tell you. First off, I just do my thang and write my stuff. After the fact, I have to clear the history, which is no big deal. Then I have to go into the control panal to then go into internet connections to go into internet options to go into delete history to select all of the above 72 options to then hit delete to then wait for it to all get deleted so they can't find out that I'm blogging about how I hide that I'm blogging while I'm at work. WINNING
*Dude. It seems as if lately I am abbreviating everything into letters when I talk and then get peeved when people don't get what I'm saying. Ex. ICD. Obv means I Can't Deal.
*I'm just curious when I can get a bunch of money handed to me?
*I'm getting a little weery of the brisk season approaching. I got a decent summer supply of clothing stocked up over the last couple months since I have lost weight but come winter I.am.screwed. I MIGHT have one pair of jeans that fit me. I MIGHT have one long sleeved shirt but maybe even not? Ugh, I could cry thinking about it. Really though, it just kind of hit me the other day how much weight I have lost when I was browsing through old pictures of when Axton was a baby and when Zaidyn was first born. I mean, I don't really quite understand how I lost so much weight. Yes I do. First off, I was a stay at home Mom for awhile and didn't get as much activity in as when I was out and about working. Once I started work again here at the facility I lost 30ish pounds in the first 3 months. Also, I walked a croipton right after Zaidyn was born. Also, I've been stressed out as H about everything in my life so...I think all of the above might have something to do with it? But no joke people, I'm smaller then I was in high school even. It's a little crazy if you think about it. Plus, my boobs are smaller then they were before I had kids. That is at least 35 pounds right there since my tots were DDD's before I had kids. Just kidding, they were still in mosquito bite status...just now they are in smaller saggy stretched mark mosquito bite status.

That is all.

Titles are for the birds, I'm telling you!

*I know I have said this before but SERIOUSLY!!! Coming up with a title is so dumb, I can't even stand it. Yes I can, I lied. I just don't like it. For awhile I went with the no title approach but then it's annoying on the side because it doesn't show up as a post.
*Next matter of business, my favorite old guy at work. I call him "Grampa". Let me just clarify, my favorite old lady is "Cupcake" and my favorite old guy is "Grampa." Since I obviously can't use their real names. Not that I actually use their real names anyway that is what I call them. Anyways, I was gettin Grampa ready for bed tonight as I usually do. He is very VERY particular about how he likes things done. A lot of people don't have enough patience for Grampa, but I just love him to pieces.  Anyways, Grampa somedays is aware of what is going on and really with it, but other days his dimentia is really extreme. It just depends. Sometimes he can be with it, take a nap, wake up and be out of it. Today he was on and off. I was getting him ready for bed (maybe I should tell you that I was getting him ready for bed ONE more time), and he asked me why I have stuff all over my arms. I said, I like it Grampa, don't you like it? And he said, well I think you are a very pretty girl and I just think you don't need that stuff. This is what he says to me everytime he is with it. Then he says, are you married? I said no. He asked how old I was and I told him 24. Then I asked him how old he was. He couldn't remember and was getting really frustrated with himself. He says, "ohhh gol I just can't seem to put my finger on it". I said Grampa it's okay, we all forget things sometimes. Are you over 80? (I know he's 92). He says, I know it's over 1000 but that is all I know, he said! LOL. Emily, don't talk shit about my lack of " and ". Forget that bizz I was too lazy so lets not get all technical and shit alright.

I was going to write more but I ran out of time!! I'm sure I'll write again on Friday. I picked up a shift tomorrow from 6-10p but I won't have time to diddle on this bizz. Friday I'll try though :)

Nah Mean?

For those of you who know me..you know that I come up with the most random shit to say. Not always super weird stuff, but I always seem to have a new "thing" that comes out of my mouth frequently on a weekly basis. This week..its balls. I'm not kidding around here people. I guess it's better then saying the F word. Anything bad/accidental/whatever that happens..balls with other words sometimes surrounding it comes out of my mouth. Tonight at work I was helping one of my two favorite residents..(I call her Cupcake)..anyhow..she wanted me to move a box of crap in her room that her family dropped off that she wanted nothing to do with. Well the box must have been ancient because when I grabbed the handle it lasted approx .2 seconds until it ripped and the box landed on my foot. Unintentially 'BALLS' came out of my mouth with a face of extreme pain. Cupcake says, "What kind, basket-balls, base-balls, saggy-balls?" I said..all the above Cupcake, all the above.

Speaking of ancient, the old lady who lives under me moved out. I think she went to the nursing home/assisted living. I would see her outside from time to time and wonder how the heck she was managing living on her own but whateves. It is her nephew that owns the house I live in. Regardless..I am a huge fan of old people..obviously..but she was one old person I was not a fan of. Seriously not a nice old lady. Remember like a month ago when we had a hot spell where everyday was approx 120 degrees? Well I got home from Cody's house one morning and I had a letter sticking in my door. This is what the letter said:

Dear Tenant:

This letter is regarding your garbage. Mrs. Howe came home and it was very stinky. It was stinking up the garage and she could barely stand it. This needs to be addressed right away.

The Landlord

Okay for one, it was written in extremely old lady handwriting. For two, her nephew that owns the house has a property management company that deals with all the business..so if the "landlord" was writing me a letter, she certainly wouldn't have it hand written and signed "the landlord"...I am on "texting terms" with the landlord so it was VERY evident it was old lady. I was really quite aggrevated by this letter. When summer first approached she wrote me a letter saying that she did not want my garbage bin outside because it was distracting the look of her flowers. So then I put my garbage bin in the garage. Now my garbage is in the garage and she is telling me it stinks up the garage. It was like 100 degrees for 4 days straight, I have 2 kids in diapers, what the fuck you expect me to do!??!?!?!?! "this needs to be addressed right away" REALLY LADY? Okay, let me fucking call up the magic garbage fairy and have her come take care of it for you. I couldn't decide whether I was going to write her a nice letter back (addressing it to "the landlord" of course and putting it in HER door since that is who she think she is obv) or if I was going to call up my ACTUAL landlord. I decided to not take the writing her a smart ass letter in return approach and I just called my ACTUAL landlord. (Yay for grown up decision making!) She was highly irriated. She said she would be over in 5 minutes to pick up the note from the old lady. She picked up the lettter, brought it over to the owners house in which he freaked the heck out about it, and that is that. Unfortunately for old lady Howe, I did not get scolded for my stinky garbage. Anyhow, she no longer lives underneath me. RATS! I have been highly debating calling up my landlord and seeing if I can move in downstairs. LOL. Ok I know I move a lot but just hear me out okay. When I first moved in the winter, I was concerned about living upstairs at a house because of loudness etc. I have 2 kids etc. etc. Well, they told me it wouldn't be an issue because old lady that lived downstairs couldn't hear if a tornado siren was going off in her kitchen. So I never had any problems. But being as someone who isn't ancient is most likely moving in downstairs..I feel weird about it. The last thing I want to do is stinkin tip toe around my house because I don't wanna make anyone mad. I would much rather listen to obnoxious loudness then to be the person causing obnoxious loudness & irritating people. And just living on the first level would be so much easier. It wouldn't be that bad of a move, it's only downstairs..I wouldn't really even need to "pack" that much ya know? The place is empty and today some guys came and said they were doing some renevations down there. The door was unlocked so I obv went down to take a gander at the place. The living room is larger than mine, and the kitchen is about the same size just a different set up. The rooms are a bit smaller, but it really wouldn't be that big of a deal at all. The only downfall is that it doesn't have a huge pantry like my place upstairs :( POOP! I am fairly positive that if I talked to my landlord about moving downstairs after they do the renovations, they would totally be cool with it. I just really need to think about if it is worth all the work. I think I moved there in March..so my lease would be up in 7ish months. Now, if Cody and I decide to move back in together..that is where I would hesitate on moving downstairs. I could just deal/human that moves in downstairs could just deal..since Cody and I wouldn't live in my current place together upon living together again. BUT, if we decide to continue living seperately or things don't work out between the two of us..then I plan on staying where I live for awhile. So what the h? Who really knows.

Why the hell don't people play board games anymore? I'm sick of it. I just want to have a party. A board game party where humans aren't lame as balls and just play some damn scrabble or trouble or pictionary or whatever! I'm just saying.

Duuuude, my hair is really irkin my tator. Ever since I bleached my hair and went bright red/hot pink my hair is a hot mess. It is soooo fried at the end and no longer porous. Therefore, anytime I dye my hair the ends don't hold color for longer then 3 washes. I can't take it! It is fine when my hair is down, but when my hair is up in a messy bun er somethin..the color difference is like 4 katrillion shades. I can't deal. My hairdesser lady told me all I needed to do was come in and get a deep conditioning treatment for like 30 bucks and that would do the trick but I just haven't gotten around to it and I just want my hair to fix itself lol. I could just chop all the bad stuff off but I don't wanna do that either. For pits sack. I really wanna go bright again. But dang that ruined my hair like you wouldn't believe. Ideally, I would love to have a very light purple/lilac colored hair. Maybe when I win the lottery and can afford to go get it done the right way I an attempt such bizz. Anyways, I gotta roll out, some butts are painin for some wipage.

Derp Derp

It seems to be that since I just blogged a couple nights ago, I feel like I have nothing to say? My life really is not that exciting, I'm telling you. Today I brought a frozen juice concentrate to work and made a pitcher once I got here. That way I would be forced to finish the entire thing before I left..leaving myself fully hydrated! Holy shit, what news! I also pooped for the first time in 5 days, yay for pooping finally! I'm working with Rich tonight, (one of my fav dudes, perhaps I'll elaborate about him in this blog) and he wanted to accomplish a task that requires 2 people..just as I felt the need to poop. So OBV I said hell no I am not passing up this opportunity you will just have to hold your horses on that one. Aaaaanyway I think I'm going to buy a pair of shoes online. Never done it before. BUT, daaang G there is this particular pair that I have been looking for EVERYWHERE and I can't stinking find it. Duty calls bro, time to step it up and buy online. Not that I have a problem buying stuff online cuz I personally love it..I just am hesitant with shoes cuz how the h am I supposed to know if they fit or not? I'll have to let you know if I end up buying them or not. I am obsessed with Etsy. Holy tolida begita. I mean come on, they have everything! I am finally at 0 gauge for my ears, so now that I hit my final destination I can buy earrings! I didn't want to indulge in buying really cool earrings until I was at my spot, cuz obv that would be a waste of money. Now I'm here, now I can purchase earrings. When my ears were gauged before all the jewelry I bought/found were expensive as h. Etsy has very very reasonably priced jewelry..the problem? I can't ever freaking choose? There are just SO much that I want to buy from etsy right now that I have listed in my "favorites". When I have extra cash (never) then I can splurge on somethin. I just bought two new pairs and have yet to get them in the mail. One was only 8 bucks and the other was 16 but I had a 10% off promo code so eh, whateves. Okay for real my back hurts worse then ever in my life. I can hardly take it. Every morning I wake up and practically want to cry myself back to sleep. I think it is a combination of sleeping really whacky..and rolling really large people that weigh 5 times as much as me?? Yeah prob both. Either way, I have been sleepin on my couch the last couple nights and it actually seems to be working. I think because then I can't sleep messed up cuz there is no room to sleep messed up. Last night I did not sleep on my couch and today I'm dying from back pain. At 24 years old? NOT OKAY! When I'm 50 I'll be hunched over like a C. Not okay! The facility I work at is old as dirt and they have old school crank beds..not automatic. So basically, you can break your back rolling residents to change them, or you can break your back bending over and cranking a lever for 10 minutes to raise the bed and then doing the same once you are done to get the bed back down. NOT OKAY! We are in the process of building a new facility that should be done next summer. I am looking forward to it. My luck, they will move all these stupid ass beds right on over to that facility. You know, this place irritates me sometimes in their lack of organization etc etc I could go on. BUT, something I love about this facility is that they let people be themselves. They don't make me take out my piercings or cover up my tattoos like every other facility would. It is something that really gets to me and really makes my blood boil. Ohh let me cover up my tattoos, now look....I am so much better of a worker and care so much more about the residents!! Or how bout just people in general that judge humans with piercings and tattoos. Cuz it makes me any different as a person if I had them or if I didn't, right? I know once I get my nursing degree that I'll have a hell of a time finding a job in a hospital (I know I'll just have to cover them up but still). It's really unfortunate. Close minded people are really hard to understand or wrap my head around. Then again, I realize they feel the same about me. I think I'm going to close on that topic :/

Nighty night!

Ah, Fack!

Duuuuude, I can't believe it has been since May 24th since the last time I blogged! What the h is wrong with me!? In all reality, I usually just have so much to say that I don't even know where to begin so then I just don't. Mega-fail. Should I just do the good ole bullet approach? Dumb question, obv I should!

*First off, my kids are doing great! Zaidyn just turned 1 year old and I am in disbelief! She is such a spitfire and so full of character. I love watching her personality develop and oh boy is she on the move!! Axton is talkin like none other and it just melts my heart, every bit of it!!
*Cody and I are doing much better now that we live separately. I think the space was necessary and there are many many improvements being made because of the ability to just take a look at the relationship from the outside and see exactly what we need to fix. Instead of increasing the tension daily, we are able to get the time apart, and look forward to the little bit of time we actually do get to spend together.  I am also being made aware how often he did the dishes for me, lol! I feel like I am constantly doing dishes it is sickening. I don't have a dishwasher and it's just such a pain in the ass. NOT an enjoyable task at hand let me tell you.
*Work is work. I really love that I get 4 days off a week, but daaaaaaang g, the no sleep business is REALLY catching up to me.  I swear for two weeks straight I was doing just the bare minimum that was required of me. Take care of my kids, work. No energy to do ANYTHING. I think even if I slept for 2 weeks straight I still wouldn't be caught up. On the weekends I work, Cody has the kids so I am able to sleep in..but of course I can't because I just want to spend some time with my kids before I go to work! I am picking up shifts whenever I can so I can have some extra money to do things for myself..such as...making a dent in the "to do" tattoo list. I just got my outline of Axton's but it will probably be awhile til I can get it colored in. I gotta save up for a couple months. Booo, I hate waiting!! I have picked up a rather a lot of shifts in the next couple weeks so we'll see what happens. 
*It seems to me that I have very little patience for people these days. No joke. Just everyone getting on my freaking nerves! Saying stupid shit, just acting stupid. Get your shit together people. Especially at work. I can't STAND working with someone who doesn't know what the hell they are doing. If you don't know what you are doing when you have worked here for a couple weeks, you obviously aren't going to get it at all..so do me a favor and leave. Is that mean? I mean I don't mind being the one to initiate everything and be the one "in charge"..but I certainly don't like bossing people around or having to tell people how to do their job. Not okay! Okay I'm done whining about that.
*It seems I have taken a break in my "self discovery" mode. I am enjoying just having a stress free sort of life right now..for the most part. I need to get my poop in a group and figure out the steps I need to take to finish school. I really don't have that much left, and my student loans are kicking my ass..so I might as well have a degree so it makes it worth it.  I have been on the waitlist for quite some time now at the school I was planning on finishing my degree up at. But apparently I have 2 classes that I need to finish in order to start in the Spring, otherwise I am then taken off the waitlist. It would have been way too convenient if they would have informed me of such things..you know..in the last 2 and a half years I have been out of school. Instead they wait to send me a letter telling me this right before I would have to register for classes/almost when it's too late to register for fall classes. The two courses I need to take are Advanced Anatomy and Physiology and Microbiology. Two classes I am super interested in. Also, two classes that are hard as fuck. They both come with labs so really the two classes seem like 4 as far as tests and homework is concerned. Also, since it would only be 2 classes, I wouldn't receive financial aid for the courses and I would have to pay out of pocket..not even possible!! I am living on one income paying all the bills and such which is tricky in itself. So I'd still have to manage working full time while taking these two hard as fuck courses. Not to mention I took Anatomy and Physiology when I was a freshman in college. How in the universe am I going to just jump right on in to Advanced A&P? Unrealistic! I'd prefer to actually re take A&P before taking the advanced course. I know the class is a lot of work but it would be worth it to gain back all the knowledge that is essentially extremely important anyways, and would benefit me for when I take advanced. Not possible to do all this business prior to spring semester this year. I guess I'm just fucked. What is new.  I sometimes just wanna give up seriously. I mean..with as much as I pay in student loans a month, the amount of money extra I would make by having a nursing degree and being a nurse would be fucking pointless. STUFFTHEYDON'TTELLYOUABOUTCOLLEGE101. I guess if you have rich ass parents that pay your way through school that is one thing. It is sooo hard thinking about going back to school but when I whip out 460 a month in student loans..I NEED to get my degree. Just hard with 2 little kids and a busy life in the first place....nah mean?
*I have been extremely disappointed in the friend department these days. Literally not one single one of my friends showed up to Zaidyns birthday party. Friends around here that is let me state, obv. But seriously! One of my friends even said that she couldn't wait to see me and the kids Saturday at the party..and never showed. Another said she was barfing and couldn't come..but posted a pic of herself on facebook that afternoon lookin all fancy? COME ON. I mean, I can understand where people my age who don't have kids would not enjoy attending a 1 year olds birthday party...but REALLY?! Just fucking deal with the 2 hours of birthday party-ness due to the mere fact that it is my daughter! GOL! I'm just so over it, and so over trying to maintain friendships that essentially obviously mean nothing. I really really don't have many friends at all, and even less actual REAL friends that I know actually care about our friendship. It's just such a joke really. My brother didn't even show up for Zaidyn's birthday party. REALLY DUDE?! I can't handle it. Maybe he had a valid reason for not coming, but why don't you shoot me a text or something and let me know instead of just not showing up and then ignoring the fact that you didn't show up to your neices birthday party? Again, like I stated before, people lately are REALLY irritating me. I just don't have the time and energy for it. Oh you wanna talk to me this week even though you haven't talked to me in months? Um fuck you. Oh, you are interested in maintaining a friendship, and then you aren't, and then you are, and then you aren't? Fuck off. Wow, I think I get a little hostile late at night hahaha. I'm over it.
*Ummm, I wish I could go shopping? I have my obsession with clothes back :/ Before I had kids I was literally obsessed with clothes and spent majority of any money I made on clothes. (Emily, do you remember my 2 full closets that you couldn't believe?) Then I had kids and was chunky as hell and feelin all ugly n shit so I didn't really care about what clothing was covering up my bod. But now that I've lost all that weight and can rock pretty much any kind of clothing..I want to oh so badly but need the materials to! I want really cute dresses and shoes, and accessories. I have some new clothes that I have bought or Cody has bought for me that fit me, but I still have majority of clothes that are way too big. First world problems.
*I think I am done for now. I swear I will try to be better at this, and I also know I say this all the time. But dude, why don't some of you remind me to freaking blog if it's been a while, nah mean?