Practice Shmactice

I have been sleeping like such crap lately, which I am so aware happens towards the end of pregnancy. However, when I was pregnant with Axton people would always say "well you better get used to it because when the baby comes blah blah blah" Well GUESS WHAT. I don't need PRACTICE in not getting any sleep because I very well remember what its like having a newborn! So let me get some sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!!! Okay, now that I have that off my chest I can move on.
Monday I went to the zoo with Axton and my friend Ashley. I was sooo excited because I knew Axton would just LOVE it. He loves making every kind of animal sound possible so to actually see the animals in real life vs. a flash card and/or book would be AWESOME! Story goes, it actually SUCKED! The really cool animals that I was most looking forward to were either on the complete other side of their "living space" or they were sleeping and literally looked DEAD. Axton makes lion rawrs to absolutely everything, even to get my attention sometimes. So obviously I was thinking the lion would be a hit. Well why wouldn't the lion be in the furthest corner with his ass pointing our direction. As if I can pick Axton up and point out the lions butt (which he wouldn't even be able to pick out that far away) and actually have him understand it was a lion. Such a disappointment! The Tiger was the only big animal like that, that was out and about but it was furthest from viewing site so again, not like I could point him out to Axton. I LOVE watching any kind of monkey, but especially the gorillas! Were they outside on their huge playground thing? Of course not! They were inside so dead do the world that they honestly looked dead. I wanted to get to the zoo earlier rather than later before it got too hot and I got too huge. I really don't handle heat well even NOT pregnant. I always get dizzy and black out. So being pregnant makes it even more extreme since I have a mini heater inside me. With the zoo being such a non-success, I think I'm going to have to give it another shot. Can't decide which would be worse/better. Go again when I'm really huge, my back/feet really kill after the zoo day, and hate every bit of the heat...OR wait until Zaidyn is born and not be pregnant...carry her around in a nice little sling..and avoid the back issues etc but the heat issues would still be there. Who knows. I'm sure my sister will want to bring Dexter to the zoo at some point this summer so I guess she'll decide for me which one I choose since I'll just go when she goes. Anyways, these are literally the only two pictures I took at the zoo.


I lied, I actually took ONE more picture of the flamingos but I figured I would spare you that one. It's really bizarre because I thought I was being smart by going on a Monday morning quite early in the season but apparently not. There were people EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!! I usually don't mind being around big groups of people what not so forth, but it really seemed to be getting to me. I know exactly why. Because there would be a group of kids (maybe about 12 to 15) with ONE chaperone. They were out of control! I get that kids are full of energy and like to run around and be wild..but it was taken to a whole new level when I heard the kids swearing, hitting each other etc and no one saying anything about it. This was also the case with kids there with their parents not in a group. I'm not saying this is the case with every parent because that is definitely NOT the case..but what is with some parents these days doing such a half ass job at teaching their kids right from wrong? When I say "these days" I just mean that it seems to be more prevalent now-a-days. Last time I was at a grocery store there was a kid probably about 5 or 6 that was going down the isle with his mom AND dad saying "fuck fuck fuck fuck". Did they say anything about it? NO!!!!!!!! It honestly makes me frightened to think of the type of kids my children will be surrounded by at school and what kind of influence they will be. Again I say, I know not EVERY kid is like this...but still. It is really frustrating. Being a mother is work! Whether you decided to become a Mom or life decided for you, either way...you have to do your stinking job and making sure your child is a decent human being..at the least! Get with the program here people!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zaidyn's nursery is....well....coming along I guess you could say. I haven't done much since the last time I updated. I'm still working on the mobile. It is taking FOREVER!!!!!!! Whenever there is a Brewer's game on Cody and I always tune in and that seems to be when I whip out the needle and thread and get moving on the mobile stuff. I have like 20 more to do and then I can actually start assembling. I need to hit up a JoAnn fabrics sometime soon so I can get some buttons to add to the mobile circles as well as some green fabric for a little project that came to mind. My mother and I added this to the wall last week to shnaz up that wall a little bit since we can't paint here:

Don't mind the quote "Nature is the best physician." Although I agree, I think I'm going to ditch that part of this wall decal. I still have lots of her laundry to do and put away as well as just organizing her stuff and making room in a cupboard for her stuff that needs cupboard space. I really can't believe that I will be full term in 5 short weeks and then she could come at anytime. (crossing fingers for sooner rather than later). I have a doctors appointment next week in which I will also schedule my next ultrasound to get a final call on the whole placenta issue. I believe that my doctor said 36 weeks would be the best time to have it. I'm not worried about it..at all actually...but I'm not going to complain about getting to see my daughter again before her big arrival! I've always been super excited to meet her, but now I find myself always thinking about what she is going to look like, if she'll be an easy going baby like Axton or quite a bit more work etc etc. I think she is going to be identical to Cody but that is just what my mommy instincts are telling me. Cody has bright blue eyes and I have brown eyes. Odds are she will have brown eyes since its the dominant trait but that is so not a for sure thing!!!!!! If she has brown eyes then she will look like me in that sense but if she has blue eyes..hands down she will be a mini Cody. What the heck do I know, I can't say either way because you just never know. Will she have lots of hair or no hair? Our last ultrasound the tech said she has hair already and we even saw her eyelashes..but I mean..she could lose that hair before she comes out? Who the heck knows. When Axton was born, my sister, my mother, Cody and Cody's mother were in the room with me. I think this time we are going to have it a little more low key. Cody wanted it just him and I, until I asked him who the heck was going to take the pictures? Obviously not him..so that snuck in my sister. My mom is going to be watching Axton whenever I shall go into labor. I feel most comfortable with my Mom watching Axton since I will probably be so sad to leave him. I've only ever left him over night ONE time and I spend every waking second with him. The hospital stay will be the longest time away from him. I am excited for him to meet his new sister,even though I'm sure he won't give a rats butt just because he's not really to the age to get it yet.

Any hoot hoots, there is my two cents for the day.

Garage Never-Again Sale

So today as well as tomorrow morning we are having a garage sale at my mothers house. When I say we I mean my mother, my sister and myself. We put all our junk together and after a couple years FINALLY managed to actually have a garage sale and not just talk about it. All I gotta say is...why? Granted, today was NOT nice out..very brisk..therefore not many people out and about walking and such. But seriously..what the heck is the point of a garage sale? With all the work you put into getting everything ready, priced out, set up etc etc..you get hardly jack crap out of it. I think in total today I made like 15 bucks. Thats a box of diapers. Big woopie doo. As my sister says "A garage sale is NOT to make money, but to get rid of your stuff". Yes, point taken..but I could have gotten rid of my stuff at Goodwill down the street?

Never again.

There was actually a lady trying to negotiate a 50 cent marked item? I don't get it. I couldn't believe she actually was trying to negotiate something that was already so dirt cheap. For the heck of it I said no, 50 cents..and she put it back..like 50 cents is just out of this world, but 25 cents would be legit. Save me.

Any Takers?

Just wondering if anyone is willing to grow my daughter for the rest of the 9 weeks until I'm due? Heck, I'll be full term in 6 weeks, so I'll even accept 6 weeks? Please?? I carried Axton super high, and I carry her SUPER low..can't decide which is more uncomfortable? Axton's feet were always going in my ribs in such, and breathing was difficult. But with Zaidyn she is just so stinking low that it is just pressure central. I feel like I'm going to whiz my pants anytime she moves. I feel like my stomach sags down to my feet. It literally sometimes looks like a huge beer gut hanging over my pants. Especially when I go from a sitting to a standing position its like WOOFTA! Let me show you:
Me @ 30ish weeks (I know you LOVE the towel on my head)


Me @ 31 weeks with Axton:

Maybe it's just me but I think there is a significant difference. I'm just thankful that she's healthy and growing! I can bear the pain, I am woman hear me ROAR! Let me just fuss fest a little more. I knew when the heat came, it was going to be difficult for me since I already have a hard time with the heat NOT pregnant. Well yesterday was 80 and I thought I was going to keel over. Literally. Hot flash after hot flash..I kept drinking water all day to stay hydrated but daaaaaaaaang! I don't want to be a hermit the last couple weeks I have with just Axton and I. I'd love to bring him to do fun things just Mommy and Axton before Zaidyn comes, but I fear this is going to be tricky. There is a water park very near that I am super excited to bring Axton to. Maybe if I hang in the water it won't be so bad. I'll just be the whale in the wading pool, no biggie!

On another note, Lost is going good. I really do like it. Even Cody has gotten into it and really likes it. Which is on one hand good because I like finding a show that we both enjoy and like to watch..but on the other hand it stinks because then I can't watch any episodes during the day when Axton was napping like I was before. We just started the second season. It might take us awhile to get through all of the seasons!!

I have been super slacking when it comes to making dinner. I wish I wasn't but I'm just never hungry around dinnertime so making dinner is just last on my list. I wake up STARVING but the rest of the day I have to force myself to eat/snack because I'm just never hungry. Axton naps usually anytime between 11 to 2, so we don't eat lunch until 2 or 3 when he gets hungry..so dinner at 6 is just ickwod central. I need to get my poop in a group because I know Cody is probably pretty sick of no dinner ever. He never would say that ever, but he's a guy...who eats a lot..so its a given! Today I'm going to go grocery shopping so maybe some good looking grub in the house will help??

I used to be very good at experiencing my emotions. What I mean by that is I have always embraced every emotion of mine and learned from it..made it an experience. I don't know why I have changed so much since my life has changed so dramatically, but it's mind boggling. I KNOW I have bottles and bottles of emotions inside me. Before, I would love embracing these, whether they were good or bad feelings. When I am really sad, and really down..that is when I feel most like a human, so vulnerable and so alive. I'm not saying that deep down I am super sad because that is not the case. If you ask me how I feel, I would tell you that I am very happy,and feel very blessed for everything I have in life. But I know there is so much more then that? I feel like a bottle rocket that has been lit but waiting to fly up in the air for so long, and it's just not happening. Part of me feels like its all just in my head. I have always taken things as they come, and still do, so why would I have any hidden emotions that I am not dealing with? Maybe it's because I'm a mother now, so "me" comes last on my list of priorities. Maybe it's not some kind of crazy mystery, it's just not a priority to figure out "me". Music has always swooned up crazy emotions for me, I don't know what I would do with out it. Now, if I listen to music too much, I feel too much, and I have to stop because I don't even want to go there. BUT WHAT IS "THERE?" I think I experienced so much life change in such a short amount of time that I feel I can't catch up and find peace in all of it. I don't miss the lifestyle I used to have, but I really miss my friends. There are very few people on the planet I can really confide in, and spill every bit of feeling with no hesitation..because I know there is no judgement. My one friend that I feel this way about is so far away, and its been seriously forever since a "genuine" hang out session has taken place. I think its really wearing on me because it was in those "spilling the beans" times where I would find that little bit more of me that I was looking for. I have always said live each day creating myself not finding myself...which is something I really do want to live by. It just feels like I spend so many days "creating" myself..and then my life changed so much and I'm back at square one. Creating myself seems like such a daunting task because I don't know what the hell kind of person I want to be. I know I want to be a good mother, and I know I want to be a good partner for Cody. I know I want to be a good person..but what about the details?? I used to speak my mind like it was no big thang and now I find myself hiding in the dark and just dealing with shit. I over react at the littlest of situations when it's nothing to even get worked up over. I am so afraid of walking on people's toes and hurting people's feelings that I forget about my own feelings. Just because I'm a mother now and my priorities have completely shifted doesn't mean I am not a person anymore. I don't know why I can't get this through my head. Everything I talk about lately is such surface shit and I'm just not like that. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy talking about Axton, I enjoy talking about my pregnancy how I'm feeling etc...what I did for the weekend...but like I said..that is all surface stuff. I miss being able to dig a lot deeper, thinking and feeling so much more.
I just don't understand any of it. Before, I may have been able to dig real deep in myself and really experience emotions and feelings about anything and everything. I feel that has come to a halt however..with this huge life change I feel such a deep connection and love with Cody and Axton that is more real and more intense then anything I've ever felt before. I really don't understand how I got so lucky to have Cody in my life. I met him when I was 16 weeks pregnant and so lost with life. He picked up all my pieces, accepted me for who I am no questions asked, and wanted whole heartedly to father my son. I have been in many relationships, but with him everything was different. We moved in together after 2 months of knowing each other. I can't say that the minute I met him I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but I can say that the minute I met him I knew there was something so very special between us. It is an amazing thing to be with someone and fully 100% have trust in them. I have been hurt before...probably in the worst way someone could possibly be hurt. (Be with someone, find out you are bringing a life into this world and have them completely in every way not accept it. Move across the nation like a little bitch and get engaged 2 weeks later since I refused an abortion.) I know Cody would NEVER hurt me. And I mean NEVER. If he wanted to go on a 3 month drinking binge with all his friends surrounded by the hottest bitches known to mankind, I would not worry one tiny little bit because I know he wouldn't lay one single finger on any of them. That is the god honest truth. He is a GOOD person, a GOOD man, and I really do feel so lucky. From day one he felt like he was Axton's father, and embraced the whole experience. He helped me financially and physically get ready for his arrival, was there for his birth and cried with the rest of us because of the instant love all of us felt for Axton. He is nothing but a wonderful father to Axton, and Axton just LOVES him to pieces. Now we have little Zaidyn coming soon and I honestly couldn't ask for a better man in my life to father my children. Cody went from drinking every night partying with his friends working a part time job..to meeting me, moving in, settling down, becoming a father, working a full time job AND a part time job to support his family, and loving every bit of the change. I would never do anything to put our relationship at jeopardy because I know it would be something I would regret for the rest of my life. We set our wedding date to September 1st, 2012 but both of us have no wanting to wait that long to commit our lives to each other. We wanted to get married a long time ago. We are going to wait though and concentrate on our family for right now.
Now if I start talking about my feelings for Axton, I will become a absolute mess. My love for him is crippling. I may not know who I am as a person anymore, but I know that having Axton and being a mother has made me a much better person. Thinking of how much I love my Axton brings tears instantly to my eyes, and I couldn't be more proud to call him my son. I am very much looking forward to having these same feelings for my daughter.
Even though I have accomplished nothing in this blog/figured anything out..it has helped immensely just to get it in writing. Maybe I really need to once and awhile force myself to dig deep, feel and write my emotions.

IIIIIIIIIIICK

Ugh, its just one of those days. I'm so glad it is actually sunny out otherwise I'm not sure I would have made it through the day! I have nothing really extravagant to update on, but I thought I would just say that some people really stinking irritate me. I have really really really tried to not let anything/anyone irritate me because what the heck is the point. Sometimes, it just doesn't work.

I had a doctors appointment on Monday and everything went fairly well. Her heart rate was 141. He said I had to start coming every 2 weeks now...CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!! Since I have to drive bout a half hour to get to the doctor he said it wouldn't do any harm if I wanted to do 3 weeks and then 3 weeks making it two appointments instead of 4. Anything to save gas money eh? Apparently the sugar levels in my urine were extremely high. At one of my doctors appointments it was 100 when "normal" is 0. Yesterday it was 500. Well what in the h-e-double hockey sticks. I give up. I just can't believe she will be here so soon! I am getting very excited to meet her, but not excited what so ever about the following:

1.South of the border pain that for me lasted quite a long time.
2. When they massage your uterus after you have the baby to make sure it contracts down. YUCK.
3.Peeing and having to use the squirt bottle thing.
4.The beginning of breastfeeding where it literally makes your toes curl it hurts so bad.
5. The contractions you feel the first couple times of breastfeeding because its the same hormone that drops your milk as it is to make you have contractions. YUCK.
6. Labor in general?
7. Milk coming in. My tots were literally kickballs and I was in soooo much pain!

I try not to think of the above statements but the time is coming near, so how can I not!?!??! When I get into one of the "ewwwwww I don't wanna!" stages of my thinking when it comes to baby Zaidyn..I try to snap the heck out of it and think about how fun it will be to watch Axton meet his little sister and how much more love my heart will be filled with loving my son AND my daughter!

Titles are overrated. I can never think of a plausible one that applies to what I am going to write because I usually have a vast number of different things to say? Regardless, today is Saturday and today my sister is coming over so we can get some stuff accomplished. I am going to start working on Zaidyn's crib mobile. We'll see how that goes, my sewing isn't that great..but I guess I can't really say that because I've never really sewed anything. I wish I knew how to make stuff on my own, like clothes, blankets etc. I really should learn because I know I would enjoy doing that. Anyways, I'm looking forward to a down day with my sister and getting some things done.

Anyways, Cody did a real number the other night. He very rarely..and I mean VERY rarely upsets me, or even makes me even a tiny bit annoyed..but when he does he really goes all out. In the time that we've been together I could probably count on one hand the times we've had a disagreement about something or an argument. When he does piss me off I really just want to smack him upside the head as hard as possible. We always work things out though, and I'm glad we've gotten it all squared away. In his words yesterday, "so does this mean that I'm the lava at the core of the earth under the hole the dog dug inside the doghouse?" Yes Cody, that is exactly what that means.

......

Couple random things here:

1. Found another super groovy website for recipes. http://www.readyseteat.com

2. I did accomplish the other day rearranging Axton's room...and working in Zaidyn's room a little bit...and I did all her laundry today soooo that's gotta count for something right??

3. I brought Axton to storytime this morning at the library. Wasn't sure how he would do considering he's NEVER around other kids besides Dexter. He can't really play with Dexter yet since he's too young yet. At first Axton was in awe at all the kids and he just had the cheesiest smile ever and was having so much fun. Then as storytime went on, he just became a big ol bully! He was one of the youngest there but he wasn't afraid to go up to the 3 year old girls OR boys and try to push them! Where is he even getting that behavior!??!? I couldn't believe it! I kept telling him that he can NOT treat his friends like that..but he just thought it was funny. Oh boy. He definitely needs more time around kids his age so he can learn how to behave correctly. I know he's a boy and is going to act like that from time to time but jeesh. I tell you what. I am super strict on discipline and Axton doesn't get away with much of anything if anything at all (that he's not supposed to do of course) I have my way of teaching Axton right from wrong..and it seems to be the only way Axton responds and actually learns. With a room full of people (Moms and other kids) it feels super weird disciplining your kid in front of everyone. Like the other Moms are looking at you to see how you are going to respond to your kids behavior. I felt on one hand that they were judging me because of Axton's meany pants behavior, but on the otherhand I felt like out of all people on the earth they would be the ones LEAST likely to judge since they are Mom's too and know exactly how it is. All I know is next week at story time if Axton starts that business again it is bye bye story time. I'll take his little butt right out of there. On a good note, it was SOOOO cute because there was a room full of kids running around, which means a room full of Moms and everyone was singing the wheels on the bus etc etc. Axton must have gotten super excited about the song and saw me from across the room and got the BIGGEST smile, I waved to him and he ran from across the room with his arms up in the air and gave me a hug!!!!!!!!!!!! He is just starting his "affection" stage where he is learning how to give hugs and kisses and boy does it melt my heart.

4. I started watching the show Lost. I wasn't going to...but I finally gave in. It was either Lost (which was recommended by Jessie Walton) or Brothers and Sisters (which was recommended by my Mother) I decided to go with Lost and have gotten a couple episodes in and not quite sure what I think about it. I mean its not a deadbeat show because if that was the case I would have stopped watching it. But I don't get the monster creatures. Like, is this some kind of Jurassic park kind of show?

5. I probably say this every week but I can NOT believe that I will be 29 weeks on Friday. I am almost to single digits as far as how much time is left. OH EM GEE.