A Pain in the Keester

Greetings fellow humans,

I just would like to ramble on about a few things that are currently a pain in the keester.

-I cannot poop to save my life. Honestly, is it asking that much to just drop a few kids off at the pool every now and again? I wake up in the morning and I can't get comfortable and all day I feel as if my entire stomach is made of concrete. Any suggestions of something I can eat/drink that won't give me a mad case of the squirts?

-I break every stinking pair of earrings of mine that are expensive. I got a pair of Opalite earrings from my Dad for christmas that were my faaaaaavorite pair of earrings. Don't worry, those cracked and broke SOMEHOW. I mean, i can super glue them, but they are see through like..so either way they are going to look dumb. Just yesterday, I had a pair in carved out of wood that are my newest pair. Don't worry, they just freaking broke out of no where. Now those I can super glue and it won't be as noticeable.

-This is just a side note of the above comment. I was provided with a little bottle of super glue from a friend, and it was super glued shut. As if that wasn't enough to irritate me...a couple days later the super glue MAGICALLY leaked on my really nice freaking coffee table, making a mark on it as well as taking a chunk of the wood off. COOL. When I went to grab it quickly, I got super glue all over my hands. I rushed to the sink to rinse it off and I got most of it off but I had a luscious fine overglaze of white all over my hands. (This is an example of my really good luck)

-Why can't Mcdonalds serve their absolutely delightful breakfast burritos all day long? I mean..I worked there before, and I know that it wouldn't be that difficult to serve them all day. Instead, I have to set my alarm for 10am, wake up....contain all feelings of vomitting, drive to Mcdonalds, purchase breakfast burritos with hot picante sauce mind you, store them in fridge, then go back to sleep. Upon further awakening I reheat the luscious breakfast I oh so crave on a daily basis, and enjoy more then I could ever describe. Point being....PLEASE MCDONALDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE START SERVING THESE BURRITOS ALL DAY!!!

-My phone seriously sucks. It cost a lot of money and yet it sucks. I don't get it. You would think that if you bought a nice phone, it should also work nicely. Joke is on me because that is definitely NOT the case. For one...lately my text messages get sent off into never ever land and never actually reach the person in which I'm sending it to. Why is this happening? It really beats me but I'm sick of it. For two, it freezes all the time so then I have to restart it. Not only do I have to restart it, but I have to restart it by taking the battery out because it doesn't work to just try to turn it off then back on. I have gone to T-Mobiledumbidiots numerous times complaining about this situation but apparently if you pay a lot of money for a phone and it sucks asshole, you pretty much have to have a million things wrong with it to get anywhere..not just one thing wrong with it...or 5 for that matter.

-I think that every pregnant person should have a personal massager for free. The requirements being that they show up daily, preferably in the morning, and do a full body massage no charge no tips no questions asked.

-As disgusting as it would be, a foley catheter would not be a bad option while being pregnant. I literally go to the bathroom a million times a day. It gets rather old, and toilet paper is not cheap. Well you can buy the cheap stuff, but then when you use it, it just sticks to you so what really is the point. Last night I counted how many times I had to get up to use the bathroom. Seven. Seven stinking times. For one, that is just really interrupting my sleep. For two, that is a lot of water used from flushing that many times during the night. (Not that I really mind for my landlord pays for water not I). This just gets me thinking...how many gosh darn times will I be getting up during the night when the baby is actually using my bladder as a pillow? A trillion? A quatrillion? Either way..I think it goes without saying that I am soooo looking forward to that.

I think I am done now, but I actually probably forgot a few things. Regardless, if I think of them, I will surely let you know. In the meantime, buckle up, recycle, and love mother nature.
Yours Truly and Constipatedly,
Caitlin